Gone NC and then lost your entire family?

[lauren2013]

Hey guys,

My mom is BPD and I have lived my whole life walking on eggshells (I know I don't have to explain). Unpredictable behavior and reactions, emotional trauma and abuse, unsafe feeling around her, etc. I had my first baby two years ago and something snapped in me when my baby was 2 weeks old. My mom ruined my wedding (at least for me) she ruined the birth of my daughter, she's basically tainted every big event and experience in my life. I was already at my breaking point in 2013 with limited contact, but she sent me over the edge in November 2013 when she had one of her "episodes" in front of my 8 week old daughter at my brother-in-law's house. It was like out of a movie. It was the last time I spoke to her and the day I decided I was DONE. It took me 30 years to get to that point, but when I reached it, it felt scary and freeing all at the same time.

I am in therapy still dealing with the PTSD that I now suffer from b/c of her emotional abuse. I have two brothers, and, although EVERYONE has endured her wrath, I think I've had it worse since I am the only daughter and she seems to treat me differently.  We have all always walked on eggshells with her and we've known that she is unstable, but we've just endured the suffering. Finally, I've made a change and I feel wonderful. Not having her in my life has been amazing. I feel at peace, I feel like I have normal relationships with people where I am not living in fear, I don't have to live in this terrible world of unpredictability. But the family members that are still there and in contact with her do not 'agree' or understand my decision. They say I'm being "vindictive" and that I "want to see her suffer." They say this is "unjustified" and that they are "ashamed of me." Specifically, this is coming from my older brother and my dad.

We have all known over the years how horrible she has been and I never thought I'd have to explain myself, but now it's almost like they are making ME feel like the crazy one. You guys were there! You witnessed this stuff! You know how she is! I'm so confused? How am I suddenly the bad guy!

I don't want to be in touch with my mom. The thought of her makes my stomach turn and my hands shake. But I fear I'm going to lose my brother and my dad if I do not sacrifice my own happiness for them... .which is what I've basically done my whole life.

Has anyone else dealt with this type of situation? I'm feeling quite helpless and alone. :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi lauren2013

I am very sorry you are feeling this way and are in this unpleasant and difficult situation.

It sounds like your brother and dad might be slipping back into denial about your mother. It could also be that your mother applies things such as fear, obligation and guilt on them to get them to behave this way. Would you say this is something your mother has done in the past, use fear, obligation and guilt to get her way with people?

Another possibility is that because you aren't around anymore, your brother and father now find themselves the main target of your mother's abuse. Perhaps they think that if you would come back in the picture, they might become less of a target.

Your own well-being and happiness is what's most important here and I don't believe it would be fair for you to sacrifice this for your mother, father or brother.

Do you still have frequent contact with your father and brother?

Feeling helpless and alone isn't easy, I am glad you are reaching out for support here and I hope this will help make you feel less alone  

[thefourth]

Hello lauren2013,

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I know how painful this is. My mouth dropped as I read your words because I related so much. I went NC with my mom and dad 7 months ago after things became so unbearable living felt like dying. My mom has UBPD and is the center of my family--she controls everything.

This past summer, I had a conversation with my older sister when she told me how growing up, mom was the hardest on me--in fact, she could not believe mom could treat me like that. She also affirmed that, since going NC with my parents, I was the most healthy and happy she has ever seen me. A week later, I got a call from her that I was selfish, unloving, and was doing this to just see my mom hurt. She said she could no longer have a relationship with me. Though this was the most extreme encounter, I have had similar experiences with my other brothers and sisters. Right now, I have lost my entire family, and I can't describe how painful and scary that is.

It is hard because I know that I am doing really well since going NC, but it has come at such a high cost. My mom is spinning a completely different narrative -- I am the daughter who she has done everything for, and I have selfishly rejected her and have gone off the deep end. She is just waiting for the day when I come crawling back as the prodigal child apologizing for all the pain I have caused.

I am realizing how delicate the family system is with someone who has BPD. Every piece is balanced so precariously, that when one piece leaves, the entire system is disrupted and falls apart. At least, this has been my experience. I think my family is mad at me because, by leaving, I disrupted the entire operating system. Everyone is so enmeshed and interconnected, that my choices affect everyone. They are really mad at me for this. It's hard, and I often don't know what to do with the loss and pain I feel. One of the things that I do find hope in is that in refusing to operate in a system that revolves around my mom, I will not just be creating healthy boundaries toward my mom, but my whole family.

It is always a relief to me to feel less alone in this difficult situation, but I am also very sorry that you also know this kind of pain.

Wishing you all the best,

TheFourth

[HappyChappy]

I totally understand your frustration and why you would feel it is all so unfair. I’ve been NC for a long period and the relative living with the BPDm behave similiary to yours relatives. But those living outside regular contact with my BPD understand. A BPD is the mistress of brain washing, if you have to listen to her rage on a daily basis, you’ll believe whatever she wants you to. You can’t fight a propaganda war with a BPD, they invented it. When the war is over, the truth of her propaganda will surface. Sometimes you have to cut out healthy tissue to get rid of the cancer. For me the benefits of NC far out weight the casualties of war. For me, blood means nothing. Behaving like a brother, that’s what matters.

I once read that we must seek radical acceptance about our BPD relatives. My Therapist asked me to formally grieve the mother and brother I wish I had, but never did. I even had a burial of items that reminded me of them. Sounded daft at the time, but it helped me realise my BPD won’t change, so that relationship isn’t worth it. But then my friends brought me up, so in a way I always knew blood was immaterial. Do you think you have radically excepted the loss of a BPD mother? 

[Sarah girl]

You can’t fight a propaganda war with a BPD, they invented it. When the war is over, the truth of her propaganda will surface... .For me, blood means nothing. Behaving like a brother, that’s what matters.

Very well-said! I am so sorry you are going through this. The fact is, you can't control all of the unfair and untrue things that are being said about you. What matters is that you are happier today and are living a more peaceful existence. As a child of a BPD parent, taking a stand to self-preserve is truly a couragoues act.

A few years back, my DH went NC with his parents for a while because of enmeshment and continued abuse that was not being ackngowledged or changed. At the time, my in-laws started lobbying to family members against DH (and us by proxy). His parents involved everyone in their campaign; aunts, uncles, cousins and even longtime friends - anyone they could get their hands on. I remember how DH told me that he had to "bury" the parents he thought he had in order to move on with his life. We cried a lot and talked a lot.

Finally, we told his relatives that we were happy to have relationships with them but would not discuss the parents. Some of them came around after a very long time, others have been NC even though we are now very LC with his parents. 

We came to a point where we felt that our safety and well-being were more important than other people's misunderstood frustrations. And it really was a catalyst for change. We know that his parents will never change. But now they have boundaries and will never be allowed to abuse us again. And everyone else has to either accept the situation or walk away - and we're ok with that. After all, we don't expect others to live their lives according to our standards. Love is not ownership.

There is always pushback at first. I think you're doing the right thing by protecting your children and yourself even though it's hard. 

[Needless2say]

 

Read your posts and can relate to all.  Without going into the whole story, I've been LC with my Mom and NC with my sister on and off for years now.  Recently there was a health issue with Mom that brought us all together.  I wish I would have stayed away because nothing changed.  My sister is still the all controlling nasty witch she's always been.  My Mom is elderly and while she was very BPD before her illness she has changed for the good and is no longer the hateful person she once was.  Mom is in a heavy FOG with sister.  Sister has turned everyone in the family except Mom against me because of the NC with her. 

That is a very small price to pay to have tranquility, peace and happiness in my life.  It hurt for awhile.  It still does hurt sometimes especially around the holidays and birthdays.  But then I remember what life was like and I am grateful for my choices. 

For months now I have told myself I don't have much longer with Mom.  I spend as much time as I can with her avoiding my sister at all cost.  If she walks in, I walk out.  If she texts or emails, I ignore.  Once Mom is gone I will close the chapter of my original family and be done.  For good. 

My advice (especially if you have a family of your own) stay away and don't look back.  Live your life.  Don't live in the negativity of someone else's hate.

[Coral]

I am LC but have two family members who keep me informed.  Otherwise, I would know nothing including deaths, births and marriages.

[lauren2013]

Thank you all so much for your responses!

@TheFourth - I honestly feel like we are living parallel lives. I am in the EXACT situation with my brother that you are in with your sister. I just got a text from him last week out of the blue basically saying that he is "ashamed of me" and that "he won't stand for it anymore." He ended the text by saying "I am tired of your self righteous quest to tear the family apart." It's insane. I am not on a quest to tear the family apart nor do I think he has any right to say he's ASHAMED of me (in fact, he is the one that has been the 'bad' kid - in rehab for alcohol abuse, didn't get a job until 35, etc.) I have been the golden child! But it's just such an inappropriate way to react to this and is EXACTLY what you said - he is upset that the balance is now off. I am no longer there to take the brunt of it and so now everyone else is affected in a different way. My dad and my brother are asking me to give up my happiness and independence (that took me YEARS to finally get) so that they can be more comfortable.

I still have the little kid in me that is scared of my mom... .feels guilty about my dad... .and feels guilted by my brother... .but i have to realize I am an ADULT now and i have to make decisions for MYSELF and my FAMILY.

Oh and by the way, my mom is the EXACT same way that you described yours is. She feels like she gave me everything, bought me tons of nice things, etc... .and she kind of did... .she gave me a great education, bought me nice things, etc, but was emotionally horrible. But I feel guilty because she didn't deprive me of material things and she was SOMETIMES kind of normal. She has created this whole story in her head of what is REALLY going on here and I'm sure all of her 'friends' and people she interacts with think that this whole thing is my fault and that I am a selfish, ungrateful daughter. The last thing she yelled at me before I decided to go NC was that I was "conceited." Something I am proud to say is absolutely the opposite of what I really am.

[SunshinePuzzle]

Hi Lauren - 

Your post struck such a nerve with me.  I haven't posted in a month or so, but came here this morning because I sort of 'broke up' with my sister last night, or realized I have to go LC with her now b/c of the repercussions of my being LC with my mom.

I came here for support because even though my husband is very supportive, he doesn't understand the immense pain of losing a loved one over something like this.  I love my sister with all of my heart.  She was abused by my mother, same as me, but she is still listening to my mom - more than she ever has in fact - and my mom controls everyone in our family, same as yours.  I have never met someone so skilled at manipulation.  She is painting a picture, like yours is, as me being some kind of vindictive ungrateful daughter - she's painting a picture that she's a victim that my sister can then come rushing in to defend, thus winning more of her love.  So last night I finally accepted that I have to be LC with my sis now too - and I don't know how man more family members I will lose because of this but my guess is it will cause lots of problems.

I feel lost, though I know LC is the right and healthy thing.  I want to have my sister in my life, but I am trying to accept that it may not be until later in life, when she's in therapy herself and on a healthy path, that we can be that close again.

I don't have much advice to offer yet - I came here looking for the same.   But know that one more person here understands exactly the kind of lonely isolating position your mom is putting you in b/c of your decision to be healthy... .and the pain of having loved ones turn on you because they can't break out of their own toxic patterns with her.