Not sure she loves me

[BlueBagel]

My girlfriend told me this morning that she's not sure if she loves me or not, is this a 'normal' thing for a pwBPD to think/feel or does this probably mean she doesn't actually love me? For clarifications sake I don't think she's splitting as she told me she wants to love me because I am the most caring, loving ect person she has ever met.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

 

Maybe she doesn't really know what loving someone feels like.   :'(

[pineapple78]

This may still be a BPD response as you may be on a pedestal for her right now and she feels undeserving and is pushing you away perhaps? Sounds like there may be guilt issues in there possibly playing a part, but Im trying to read into something with little info to go on. How long have you been with her? Has she shown love for you in the past?

I know my wife pushed me away often early in our relationship and described it to me once as testing me to see if I would go or not. To see how much I would take! Appears I can take a fair bit as Im still here. Im not sure if its still a test she puts me through now as she has not mentioned it in this regard for a long time.

If you have been in this relationship for a while and you are committed to staying, its probably something to talk to a psychologist about. If you are still getting into this relationship and have not made any "better or worse", "sickness and health" oaths, then you might think twice about the toll this will take on your well-being before going further. Especially if she says she does not love you. But thats just my opinion from my own personal perspective without all the info.

[BlueBagel]

Hi Rockylove,

I do feel at times like I have to show her what love actually is as we had completely different upbringings. I think children learn from their parents what love is and her parents didn't show her what I would consider proper love, of course just because I think love should be a certain way doesn't mean that is the right way to love.

Hey pineapple78,

Could be possible she definitely feels guilt and shame a lot. We have been together for 6 months and she told me she loves me very early on but I don't think she fully loved me till later on, she definitely can be loving at times although she really treats me in this manner consistently. Weirdly enough the way she was telling me she had doubts about her feelings for me was actually quite loving, she said she respected me too much to stay with me if she didn't love me any more and gave me some of the nicest compliments she ever has.

I know she as definitely tested me quite regularly but this didn't feel like a test, of course she could just be changing her tactics in this regard.

Although we haven't been together for too long I do feel very committed to staying with her. Thank you very much for your opinion and sharing your own experiences

[BlueBagel]

So she text me this morning accusing me of trying to manipulate her because I told her I wouldn't be able to handle being friends if we broke up. To clarify I wasn't trying to manipulate her but I can see why she would think that. She told me she asked someone else about it and they agreed but said she wouldn't name names, I think this was an attempt to imply she talked  to one of her ex's who is still interested in her knowing it would upset me, I cant say for sure because if I asked her about it she would go into 'I hate myself' mode. Anyway I spent quite a while trying to convince her I was not trying to manipulate her but nothing worked, in hindsight I should have stopped sooner as it got to the point where nothing either of us said make a difference. She ended up ignoring me for a while and I got very upset so decided to go back sleep. When she did text me again she 'I know I love you because you are the first person I want a cuddle from when I'm upset and the one person who really cares' so I suppose all is well for now? I feel like none of this is real right now, do any of you ever get the same feeling after coming down from a big fight/drama?

[Jungle_jake]

Welcome to my life!

[KarinB]

Hi Blue Bagel,

My Fiancé has told me countless times during our 4.5 years together that he is not sure that he loves me, that he believes he will always be lonely, that he doesn't deserve me etc. And every time I try to reassure him saying that he won't be lonely, that I love him and so on. I even told him I still love him as he told me yesterday that he wants to break off our engagement (HE proposed 10 months ago) and cancel our wedding as he is only 50% sure that he wants to be with me. Only a few hours later he had been cuddling and kissing me like nothing was wrong!

In the early days he would come crying after a few hours or a day and beg me for forgiveness. I feel that the longer we have been together the longer he leaves it before he apologises but I am almost certain that he will 'break down' and be sad this time too. Perhaps a little like your girlfriend when she text you saying she knows she loves you.

How do you feel about her now?

[BlueBagel]

Hi Karin,

How do you feel about her now?

I still feel the same about her but I definitely feel more insecure about her feelings towards me.

I read your post and I hope your after dinner talk went well, I'm sorry you're going through this 

Is it possible he is scared of such a big commitment? I'm wondering if he usually needs to take a few steps back before he can go through with a big change?

[unicorn2014]

Hi blue bagel,    without knowing more about your story its hard to say. How long have you been together? I"m not sure that is a borderline thing, it could just be a person who is unsure.

[BlueBagel]

 

Hi blue bagel,    without knowing more about your story its hard to say. How long have you been together? I"m not sure that is a borderline thing, it could just be a person who is unsure.

We have been together for 6 months. I guess it's not necessarily relevant whether it's because she has BPD or not? Maybe me wanting to blame it on her being a pwBPD is invalidating?

[unicorn2014]

Hi blue bagel,    without knowing more about your story its hard to say. How long have you been together? I"m not sure that is a borderline thing, it could just be a person who is unsure.

We have been together for 6 months. I guess it's not necessarily relevant whether it's because she has BPD or not? Maybe me wanting to blame it on her being a pwBPD is invalidating?

Without knowing more about her behavior its hard to say whether or not that's BPD. Also to be fair to her, 6 months isn't a very long time to know someone either. Perhaps she's just a cautious person. Or perhaps you two just have different temperaments. From what I understand a borderline trait is people who rush into relationships too soon.

[BlueBagel]

Without knowing more about her behavior its hard to say whether or not that's BPD. Also to be fair to her, 6 months isn't a very long time to know someone either. Perhaps she's just a cautious person. Or perhaps you two just have different temperaments. From what I understand a borderline trait is people who rush into relationships too soon.

She has been diagnosed with BPD. I guess she just doesn't feel the same way about commitments as I do? She's generally more likely to reassess things often as time goes on(possibly because she can change her mind 10 times in an hour) where as once I've committed to something or someone it's quite rare for me to consider whether it's still right for me. I'm probably more cautious than I need to be at times, I think she could benefit from being cautious in a lot of areas of her life. We have almost opposite temperaments. She did move things very fast at the beginning which is possibly why this is so confusing for me? It's like she got to her maximum feelings for me really quickly and by the time I caught up she had started going back?

[unicorn2014]

That does sound confusing. I will allow more experienced members of this board to advise you as I am currently residing on the undecided board. I hope that someone is able to offer some guidance. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Blue bagel

A pwBPD can act on feelings rather than facts. The fact that she may be feeling insecure may mean that she feels she doesn't love you. It may be that she feels you don't love her so she doesn't feel that she should love you. Who can say for sure.

Your circular argument you had as you say went on too long. I know Ive been there. No matter what you say or what argument you use you cant get your point across. This is another time that the pwBPDs feelings come into play. As they feel a certain way then nothing you do can change this. The best option in cases like that is to say "Im sorry you feel that way" and then leave it at that.

If you read the communication tools there is a lot of useful information to make these interactions less inflammatory.

[KarinB]

Hi Karin,

How do you feel about her now?

I still feel the same about her but I definitely feel more insecure about her feelings towards me.

I read your post and I hope your after dinner talk went well, I'm sorry you're going through this 

Is it possible he is scared of such a big commitment? I'm wondering if he usually needs to take a few steps back before he can go through with a big change?

Hi BlueBagel,

I can understand that completely. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would perhaps suggest that you keep being there for her (if you can) but keep yourself distracted and try not to think about it too much (impossible, I know). Have you heard from her today? Enlighten me has got some good points in regards to how to deal with an argument below. I read your other post as well and it sounds like your GF has a lot to deal with. I hope you look after yourself in all of this!

Thanks for your support in regards to my situation. It is hard as we have been together for some time now and have grown extremely close. It has all come as a bit of a surprise really. We had a good talk yesterday and even this morning and I think he is committed to keep the relationship/engagement going but to postpone our wedding until further notice. I agree that it has been too much pressure from the day I started planning it all and in hindsight we should have waited a few months before making any plans.

I feel proud of myself that I 'survived' our chat last night without getting offended or too emotional. He was the emotional one and he is a textbook pwBPD!

I am so glad I found this website and the lovely people who offer their advice/experience here.

Baby steps...