Update... He thrives on hate now

[Monarch Butterfly]

Hi,

   Well yesterday was the first time I saw him (him as in my uBPDh) in 2.5 months of NC. I left the house with the kids and with three suitcases in the car.

    Good news is I have found a little place to rent and the kids are far better off. I am learning (slowly) to rebuild my life. I have felt so much peace in these last two and a half months, it is unexplainable. I have found some of me in this process, but there is a lot left to look for.

    Anyway, I am posting because we were in court a few days back. It was the first hearing. He was not the man I knew for 18 years. He was so skinny, looked liked he was ill. His words were overridden with a sense that I had wronged him deeply.

   I had to get a restraining order to leave so I could fight for what was decent. You cannot, I repeat, cannot live in the same house and negotiate a divorce in one's right mind. With all the threats I had to go somewhere safe with the kids. He had told me he would kill me if I ever left him. (But then he gets to leave when he wants to... .?)

   I could have the peace I needed to negotiate what I thought was right. So he sees that as a hit and threat to his moral and name and I have humiliated him beyond reason. He was so obssessed with "justice" that it was kind of scary. Of the 18 years, I had to live afraid of him for 10+ years and now he is the one victimized?

  He doesn't seem to remember any of the threats (or he is a pretty good liar). I can understand that in his mind, he thinks I am lying, because he has erased all his bad behavior and replaced them with memories of how horrible I am. So he honestly doesn't remember any of his threats. He swears up and down I am a liar and out to ruin his life. I have never seen him so driven with hate.

   I guess I have elevated to a new position in the split black compartment that I wasn't aware of of. I have seen him mad and angry, but he was shaking with the desire of revenge. He could hardly talk without his teeth rubbing together, He told the judge he was willing to work with me before (how so?) and since I ruined his reputation, now he wont give me one cent.

    He would rather prefer to see his kids go hungry than give me money. Of course, that didn't go over to nicely with the judge, but it did give me a chill in the spine. I can understand his hate towards me, but towards the kids? And then he calls them and says he loves them on the phone... .Ugh.

   Sometimes I feel sorry for him. I am hurting but am going to get past this. I have been destroyed and torn apart, but am moving on and learning to fight for myself. I am learning to speak up and out and have found happiness among what was left. I have plans, dreams, hopes... .I have a future worth fighting for. But then I think of him. He is hanging on to that hurt so strongly that he is sinking inside. It is tearing him up and he is holding on to each thought of rage and anger.

   Well, I really don't have any questions this time. I am just sad (for the time being). I wish he could find help. I wish he could let go. I wish he could be healed. I wish he would want that... .

[cloudten]

I hear you. I understand how much it hurts. You aren't crazy or wrong. You need to do absolutely everything possible to protect yourself and protect your children in every way possible.

One of the most frustrating things for me has been to deal with his hypocrisy. I am sure his lawyer was not happy with the kids going hungry comment.

Keep building. Keep dreaming. Keep filling your other buckets with friends, family, hobbies, heath, and spirituality.

I know you are sorry for him. I feel sorry for him too. I am sure having BPD is debilitating... .obviously it must be as we all watch them self destruct.

He needs to be held accountable for his actions. You cannot save him anymore. It is your job to save you... .and you must save you so you can also save your children who depend on you. I can hear you are a compassionate person... .I think all of us here are to an extent to deal with what we have dealt with. You have to let him sink or be sunk yourself.  Letting him sink is, ironically, the most loving thing you can do at this point. He has to help himself.

 

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thanks cloudten. I really need to move on. I have gone NC but seeing him again shook me up inside. The nightmares came back again. I guess I need to learn to let go inside... .What happens to him is not my fault. I sometimes believe that. Other times I dont.

[cloudten]

Its hard because they appear to be grown ups, but on the inside they are scared children. I think especially as women, we want to help... .but we simply cannot without drowning ourselves.  If you grew up in any kind of religious household like I did, its even more our "duty" to love others... .so it can feel against the grain to throw your hands up and say "you aren't my problem".  That's where I am at anyway.

But you have to love yourself too. And you have to love your children... .not to mention it is a mother's duty to protect her children.

Stay strong!