i dont know what to do anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well weve been seperated for 7weeks now, it was as a result of her calling the police on me and trying to stage a dv event and have me arrested. This was just the latest in a string of escalating events. Her sister believes she may have been trying get more financial control off of me as i had all the money.

Regardless, since shes been back in her country she has been angry at me Telling everyone lies about me bashing controlling and even rape stories. She was calling me regularly demanding money for her medical bills but when it became obvious she was using the money to drink and

Party her doctor and family convinced me to stop supporting her.

Since i closed our bank account she called me to abuse me told me we are over and has told everyone not to talk to me. She has been nc for 4 days.

I now am facing my 2 greatest fears that of, she sounds like she is getting on with her life and getting herself motivated even though in 3 yrs she couldn't follow through with one thing with me and the other is my greatest fear and that is she was only in it for my money.

How do i pick up the pieces, she has destroyed my life and i dont know why... .

[jq46810]

Well weve been seperated for 7weeks now, it was as a result of her calling the police on me and trying to stage a dv event and have me arrested. This was just the latest in a string of escalating events. Her sister believes she may have been trying get more financial control off of me as i had all the money.

Regardless, since shes been back in her country she has been angry at me Telling everyone lies about me bashing controlling and even rape stories. She was calling me regularly demanding money for her medical bills but when it became obvious she was using the money to drink and

Party her doctor and family convinced me to stop supporting her.

Since i closed our bank account she called me to abuse me told me we are over and has told everyone not to talk to me. She has been nc for 4 days.

I now am facing my 2 greatest fears that of, she sounds like she is getting on with her life and getting herself motivated even though in 3 yrs she couldn't follow through with one thing with me and the other is my greatest fear and that is she was only in it for my money.

How do i pick up the pieces, she has destroyed my life and i dont know why... .

[griff24]

The sad fact is you'll never really know. ':)id she ever love me?' 'Is she capable of empathy?' ':)id she cheat?' All of these questions and many more probably play on your mind all the time.

The lies, cheating, manipulating, 'mirroring,' isolating, up-down yoyo behaviour, rage and so on are all common traits of people with BPD. It can be and generally is devastating. Believe me I know.

What makes it worse for us (non BPD's) is that although the BPD's pain and our own is torturous, the BPD will quickly move on and replace us, repeating the same pattern over and over with multiple partners, leaving us in a state of misery - emotional wrecks!

The road to recovery may be long. Being on this site helps, seeing a therapist will also. Family support (unfortunately I don't have this) is all important. Anything positive that allows you to 'detach' and move on... .Maybe go travelling, meet new people and have 'fun,' if that's an option?... .

I hope you're 'healing' is fast and you recover well.

Take care 

[jq46810]

Thank you for your comment

In your experience do the BPD ever crack under the strain of their delusion and apologise and try and make peace?

She has done this 4 times before and each time cracked by now but this time its different here victum stories are much worse and she has tried to detach everybody who could possibly make her see sense.

I know she has a new group of enablers b u t they will not support her indefintly as i was

What do you think may happen

[scgator]

Thank you for your comment

In your experience do the BPD ever crack under the strain of their delusion and apologise and try and make peace?

She has done this 4 times before and each time cracked by now but this time its different here victum stories are much worse and she has tried to detach everybody who could possibly make her see sense.

I know she has a new group of enablers b u t they will not support her indefintly as i was

What do you think may happen

Jq, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I think the more important question is what is best for you? I've learned, through my experience with my uexgfwBPD, that once I became a trigger and the dysregulation started it all really became about what was best for me. This is your life, the only one you'll get, is this how you want to spend it? Defending yourself against false accusations, putting up with unacceptable behaviors, never knowing the truth? I'm sure there may be many questions in your mind right now and most will probably never get answered to your satisfaction. Unfortunately it seems any kind of closure has to come from within. I know it is horribly frustrating to endure a smear campaign. My ex called my work and accused a co-worker of sleeping with me, then said she was afraid of me and afraid for herself and her child. However, I know myself. I know what is true and the opinion of others really isn't that important to me anymore - something I learned from all of this.

Do they apologize and try to make peace? Mine seemed to do this only when she wanted something in return and it was never really a true, heart-felt apology. The sad part is, it was always short-lived, it was the entire relationship that was a strain on her so no amount of mending would be permanent. What do you think will happen? You've been through it 4 times already. Sometimes we put hope over history but unfortunately it seems history does repeat itself in these relationships. Can you focus on you, your life, wants and needs for a change?

[Mutt]

Thank you for your comment

In your experience do the BPD ever crack under the strain of their delusion and apologise and try and make peace?

She has done this 4 times before and each time cracked by now but this time its different here victum stories are much worse and she has tried to detach everybody who could possibly make her see sense.

I know she has a new group of enablers b u t they will not support her indefintly as i was

What do you think may happen

Hi jq46810,



I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this.

I can relate, my ex did something similar before she left and she told her family, friends and our mutual friends that I was abusive towards her and our kids in our marriage, when in reality she had someone under her wing in our marriage and left with him.

I was walking on eggshells in the last few months of our relationship and would come home and often she would have borderline rages. I completely understand how emotionally distressing all of this is and I had similar thoughts and wondered if she would crack and if she would eventually cool her jets, I had never seen someone have so much anger and not let go.

Some and not all pwBPD may have a smear campaign, some pwBPD will have a mother of all tantrums when their abandonment fears are triggered, at the center of the disorder is a narcissistic wound, abandonment fears the core wound of abandonment. Your ex is triggered under alot of anxiety and stress and you're split black, it's a defense mechanism, a pwBPD will see loved ones as either all good or all bad and not as an integrated whole with both good and bad qualities and as it stands now, she sees you as all bad.

The distorted stories are scary and I can see how emotionally distressing all of this would be, I suggest that you don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) to rumors and speculations, this is on her and not you. I suggest you remain radio silent, the less attention that you give, the sooner that this will pass. It gets better.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

BPD BEHAVIORS: Anger and Rage 

[jq46810]

Thank you mutt

I feel like i am dying here, i am in her hometown at the moment working for a few days, ive seen a few of her friends in the streets and the awkwardness was very hurtful. I desperately wish i could tell them the truth but if anyone threatens her veil of being this healthy person they get ejected. Years before me she had a friend who was taking her out binging and her health became wobbly so her sister asked this person to moderate their drinking because of her bp, when she found this out she stopped talking to her sister for three years, it was me who insisted on them talking and coming back together. Her sister and her brother in the last week have said they don't believe the dv stories but they dont know what to do but support their sister.

Again i wish i could understand how i have gone from being the centre of her world to being dead to her, her sister said that she thinks I am stalking her and threatening her. I have nothing but love in my heart for her and cant even understand what type of person she believes i am.

im stressed out of my brain by this latest episode her doctor says when she left her bp has morphed into a BPD fractured personality with naurcism, delusional tendencies and schizophrenia she is being supported by her old drinking crowd and has now been nc for 6 days ironically since i closed our bank account under the advice of her doctor, he insisted that id been enabling this and it needed to stop.

I wish she would calm down and stop thinking i am evil and speak resonably to me, shes convinced the people here that there is nothing wrong with her other than our dv relationship. They are gonna destroy her.

In your experienced do you think she will reach out from this fractured place

[Mutt]

I desperately wish i could tell them the truth but if anyone threatens her veil of being this healthy person they get ejected.

I completely understand. I wanted to vindicate myself and tell my side of the story and I tried for the first few months.

I lost all of her family and mutual friends, people that I trusted for years. My really good  friends, stuck by me. I also made new friends, people that are good that I trust.

Honestly, the truth has a way of working it's way out. She's likely being enabled by the people that she's close with and they likely aren't self aware of their behaviors.

Again i wish i could understand how i have gone from being the centre of her world to being dead to her

I understand. Its not about you, it's about her core wound of abandonment, a narcissistic injury abandonment fears perceived or real. She would have to go to therapy and work on her core trauma for change.

the advice of her doctor, he insisted that id been enabling this and it needed to stop.

He's right. You know your ex better than anybody else on these boards. My ex us undiagnosed and untreated, she's not very self aware and isn't wanting to help herself. She's dependent on others with things that really she should be doing herself, she's an adult.

Loved ones that are close to her are likely nit aware that enabling her dysfunctional and dependent behaviors isn't helping her. I have compassion for my ex with boundaries I consciously chose to remove myself from the situation and stopped enabling her so that she has one less person that enables her, if she didn't have enablers she's likely going to have to face her issues? At that point there's a possibility that she may seek help for herself.

In your experienced do you think she will reach out from this fractured place

You fulfill a need, something that a pwBPD wants when you're split white. When my ex wife's boyfriend moved a year after she left me, intimacy triggers her engulfment fears and she started to slowly started to spilt  me white and her bf black.

It's different for everyone, I've read a lot of stories from fellow members and some shared that they were split black for weeks, months, years and sometimes decades. I was split black for nearly three years.

They are gonna destroy her.

What do you mean?

[jq46810]

Thank you mutt quality advice

Destroy her, what i meant is that she has convinced her supporters that she was abused suppressed controled even raped in our relationship and they have all stepped in committed her to an apartment and are taking her out drinking most nights thinking that will help her move on, unfortunately it was the alcohol that started the escalations and her rages 8 months ago.

The one thing i struggle with is the fact that not one of these people have or will speak to me and yet my long term friends have all said i would the least violent person you would ever meet

shes been angry for 7 weeks now but last weekend told me its over however wanted me to know that she is not dating anyone nor interested and does not want me to date whilst she is getting herself better. She has been nc since then. She is really doing my head in

[griff24]

I hate to generalise people but it does appear to me that pwBPD are all the same in their actions, treatment towards others (particularly their partners) and their own perceptions of 'us' and how they feel 'miss-treated.'

It is crippling, damaging and very hurtful. My girl told my family and friends that I put her in hospital and called the police claiming physical abuse - neither are true.

I am the same as you in that even after all of what has happened I do still love her, and I (like you) feel that I have nothing left and nothing to give. It is to say the least an 'emotional rollercoaster.'

What we all have to do is figure out how to 'detach' without getting sucked back in, tough as it may be. I'm still searching for the answers, if indeed they exist... .

You can find solace on this site. It won't take away the pain but at least you know you're not alone and your understanding of everything that has gone on will improve. 

[Teereese]

Hello jq46810

It is scary that so many have similar experiences with their (stbx/ex)SO.

My ustbxBPDh surrounded himself with "friends" that are much like your ex's. They listened to and believed his black thoughts and lies, encouraged him to continue to spiral in those thoughts and lies by drinking and drugging. They jumped on board his crazy train without any knowledge of the real situation. They are being used to supply all the things he used me for, because no single one of them is going to go "all in" for him. They have no idea that they are not truly helping him, they are all crutches. He uses them for things that he, as an adult, is responsible for. They will be discarded when they disagree with him, or he no longer needs them.

I agree with all of the thoughts shared with you here. 

These relationships are draining, emotional rollercoasters, that hurt, cause damage and feel crippling.

We, the partners, are not responsible, the cause or reason for the disorder.

Detaching, gaining insight and self awareness is a process for us.

It took me some time, but I now trust the process.

[Mutt]

It took me some time, but I now trust the process.

Keep your chin up jq46810.

There are two sides to every story, they're not giving you the benefit of the doubt by coming to you and hearing your side of the story? They are her friends and are loyal.

Your friends are loyal to you?

I'll tell you what my P told me when I was going through a smear campaign.

"These are her actions Mutt, you're not responsible, if she chooses to go around and tell people stories about you, that's on her, its not on you, don't worry"