Dealing with jealousy and resentment

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi folks. I've been reading posts on here for months now. It is 11 months since I split with my BPDbf although we have communicated and he made an attempt to reconnect a few months ago. To say his behaviour towards me was vile is an understatement. The day we split he 'loved me so much' at 7pm and by 9pm it was over for good. He has now gone back to a previous partner and is deliriously happy because they have so much in common. They are posting together photos on FB for all to see. Can he have changed so much being with this new person that he is able to act normally now and have a normal relationship when his behaviour with me was distinctly crazy making. I feel hurt, confused and dare I say jealous although I don't know why because being with him is a nightmare. Anyone else been here?

[JD Heart]

Hi folks. I've been reading posts on here for months now. It is 11 months since I split with my BPDbf although we have communicated and he made an attempt to reconnect a few months ago. To say his behaviour towards me was vile is an understatement. The day we split he 'loved me so much' at 7pm and by 9pm it was over for good. He has now gone back to a previous partner and is deliriously happy because they have so much in common. They are posting together photos on FB for all to see. Can he have changed so much being with this new person that he is able to act normally now and have a normal relationship when his behaviour with me was distinctly crazy making. I feel hurt, confused and dare I say jealous although I don't know why because being with him is a nightmare. Anyone else been here?

[patientandclear]

Hi JD--I can relate, for sure. I had such a hard time when this person, who had led me to believe I was so special and unique in his life, moved directly from the end with us, which was so confusing and involved him wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, then days later realizing he didn't want to be with anyone ... .Suddenly was showing a ton of romantic interest in a colleague of mine whom he'd previously said was just a friend who had an inappropriate interest in him. Suddenly, mutual friends said, the story was that his feelings for her had made it impossible for him to make it work with other women (me). Nice! I had such a dreadful time with the questions you're asking here, for months.  Then it was over as soon as it began.  Later, he denied that it even happened. But while it was underway, my impression is that he said all the wonderful things to her that he had said to me and many others before and since.

While it's happening, it looks like something that could be what you imagine: a new leaf, better practices, more commitment, more promising.   What's amazing is that it can look that way, and still collapse or go up in smoke. There's a lot of wishful thinking going on and perhaps a lot of good intentions.

[Mutt]

Hi JD Heart,



I can understand feeling jealousy. A relationship break up with a person with BPD ( pwBPD ) can be chaotic, painful and confusing.

I'm glad that you had the courage to join us after lurking. Many of our members can relate from experience.

It's terrible to hear that he broke up with you so suddenly. A  pwBPD lack impulse control and thoughts to their consequences and actions and display chronic rigid thought patterns, have black and white thinking can't see the grey area.

A pwBPD want intimacy, emotional intimacy triggers the disorder and the person will push away because they fear engulfment and pull because of their fear of abandonment, the pull /push behavior can feel like crazy making behavior to the non-disordered partner.

What does "engulfment" mean?

Learn as much as you can about BPD. Welcome to the family.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Schermarhorn]

I don't really have any jealousy of my replacement or my replacement's replacement.

They will be hurt just like I have been hurt. If it lasts longer, they will be hurt even more.

[fromheeltoheal]

Can he have changed so much being with this new person that he is able to act normally now and have a normal relationship when his behavior with me was distinctly crazy making?

Yes.  Borderlines have an unstable sense of self and mirror other people to affect an attachment, since attachments are everything to borderlines, the point being to 'complete' himself, make his 'self' whole, all subconscious for him mind you, they're just feelings as far as he's concerned.  So since he's not with you and with someone else, he has 'changed', by taking on the good he sees in the new attachment as his own, to counteract his 'bad' and make him whole.  And as you probably discovered, all of that is an unsustainable fantasy, so the wheels will fall off eventually, and the new attachment would then agree with you that his behavior is distinctly crazy making.

It's been a while for you, and good for you, and the best thing to do now is use what you're feeling as drive to grow, on your way to discovering the gifts of that relationship.  Take care of you!

[EJ]

Hello, JD. I too have suffered from jealousy after breaking up with my ex BPD gf. We broke up & had minimal contact for a few months, one day I curiously looked at her Facebook & saw a picture of her with her new fling. I completely fell to pieces. I couldn't control my anxiety or the amount of hurt I felt. She seemed so happy & the fact that the caption to her picture was "one can never have too much happiness" added a little more insult to injury for me. Needless to say, about a month and a half later she had already left this person & was calling, emailing, texting me wanting to rekindle. I agreed & it was over less than a month later. Truth is, there's nothing for us to be jealous about. We are better off without these mentally ill individuals. We deserve to be respected, loved & cared about; unfortunately, BPD partners are unable to do any of those. Hang in there!