I'm so tired

[fireflyzzz]

Why does my ex boyfriend keep going back and forth with me and his current girlfriend? I'm so sick of myself, I hate myself, I am so stupid because I gave him too many chances but I see he is a pathological liar and he won't change. This time I block everything so he can not reach out to me and I PRAY TO GOD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK AND LET ME JUST BE HAPPY FOR ONCE... the truth is I can’t get over the hurt and betrayal, I have been consumed with anger and can’t seem to move on. Sometimes I think, wouldn't it be nice not to wake up tomorrow so I don't have to think about him every second of the day anymore  :'( :'( :'(

[Darsha500]

The pain is so intense, huh firefly, you know it, your in it, the pain is present.

Your posting an sharing your pain is a sign of your resourcefulness, it will be an assist for you on your journey toward your professed goal - being over your ex.

I heard a definition of courage that I loved recently. A Buddhist monk said that courage is the ability to sit with the full spectrum of the emotions that arise in one's experience. To simply be present with them without trying to minimize them or magnify them. That is, not trying to avoid them and push them away, or pull them close and act them out. It involves a poise of fearlessness, a stalwart stance in the face of the intense and monstrous emotions that crash over us like tsunami waves. Yet we remain steadfast in our composure.

We are space, so says he monk, our being is not concrete. In this way nothing can break us. I can understand your self hate. It is an ingrained tendency in many people. I catch myself saying "kill yourself." Or imagine myself putting a gun in my mouth. Dramatic right!

I try to smile at the antics of my ego. Even laugh. Humor is good. But most importantly, I strive to meet my experience with loving kindness, with deep heartfelt compassion for my own suffering. I connect with my intrinsic worth and dignity, my loveablness. And I rest in that as best I can.

Many will tell you, as I will in right now, it gets better. That may not be much of a consolation. At least when in the wake of your pain. However, having that faith is essential. The spark, the ember, that is your vitality will grow, so long as you keep fanning it and providing it with the oxygen and resources it needs.

[Herodias]

Because he can! Only you can stop this... .Mine would do the same thing. He will never make a choice if he can have both or more! If you take him back, he just thinks less of you anyway... .It's not worth the pain. He needs help to figure out who he is... .you can not help him. be strong. I am sorry you are going through this... .watch lots of u-tube videos on the subject of NPD and cheating... .It is what helps me get through the day! xo

[lovenature]

I know how hard it is to try and get through another day, knowing what reality has proven but trying to accept how you feel. Remember who you were, and know that's who you are!

Remember BPD is a serious mental illness; you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Try to be kind to yourself and realize it will take time to heal  .