Issues with BPDbf and his roommate.

[misuniadziubek]

I'm honestly looking for some advice here and perhaps thoughts on whether this is even something I should involve myself in.

I'm with my BPDbf for just over two years now. I feel like a pro. About 70-80% of the time I am very validating of his emotions and helping him manage his dysregulation and respect his limits and boundaries. He respects mine about 80-90% of the time and he even has bouts of being validating as well so we feel pretty connected.  We have had a rocky few weeks of recent, but it's been more related to my own mood swings and issues with mental health (anxiety and depression) and he's still done his best to be supportive.

The issue is that he (24) shares a house with a female (38). She is great in many ways and both he and I adore her personality and sense of humor, but she's not the type to be straight up about things that bother her and doesn't know how to communicate with my boyfriend about her concerns.


The issue of the week has been garbage. It needs to go to the curb Thursday night/Friday morning, otherwise they have to wait another week for it to get picked up. She has deemed this the one and only real responsibility of my boyfriend. He takes out the trash and recycling out of the kitchen to the bins regularly and makes sure the bins are out at the curb in time. They have a common living room and kitchen and she's usually the one to clean and vacuum those, although he maintains his dishes and makes sure he doesn't leave a mess.

Well, my boyfriend is really invested into making her happy because she is the most decent roommate he's ever had. She doesn't mind his work on TVs and car repair and he has plenty of room for everything.

But again. She doesn't know how to express her concerns in an effective way that would give him clear expectations and not leave him worried that she's mad at him and will move out.

And what's worse is that with the borderline, he is very sensitive to criticisms and receives things as very passive aggressive which sets him off.

He won't rage at her, but he will respond with passive aggression.


Ie. Friday, the second week in a row, he's forgotten. He worked the late shift at work and overslept in the morning. He already feels terrible about it and about the fact that he's disappointed her.

Any comment will leave him feeling like cr**. Because it feeds into his intense anxiety over her leaving him if he screws up enough. He comes home at 7 pm from college classes. He walks into the kitchen. She comes out of her room. ""Oh? The trash didn't go out again? What, didn't they come?"

It's her way of confronting the issue indirectly. But he knows she knows he forgot. And his anxiety sky rockets. She's mad again that he screwed up and instead of sitting down to have a discussion with him she just makes an offhand comment and he's convinced she's trying to make him feel guiltier than he already feels, aka passive aggression.

He laughs about it, doesn't say anything and goes and gets himself a four loko and gets quite drunk. I get a text from her saying that he's acting really weird. That she told him that from now on he doesn't have to worry about trash anymore and he left and got drunk.

She tells me that she no longer wants to talk to him period about any concerns because he is obviously 'delicate' and she isn't.

I tell her that if she has a clear discussion with him about what she expects or has concerns about rather than just commenting, it will probably be a lot more effective because it's really important to him to keep her happy regarding the living situation.

She tells me that she is just going to do things herself from now on so that he doesn't have to worry if he's mad.

I don't know at this point. There's a bit of triangulation going on, which I am not that comfortable with and I'd much rather she talk directly to him but she's too worried about setting him off.

I feel my role here is purely as a support system for him and to talk to him if he needs. I don't think that her reaching out to me is really appropriate unless there is a dire need. I don't want to alienate her either. I feel kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I think that you are correct to stay out of this as much as you can.

Realistically though, and also because I recall that you stay there sometime, it is inevitable that you would have your own relationship with this room mate and that she would talk to you.

I agree with him needing to take responsibility, but is the trash a realistic one? Not that he can't do it, but if he works late the night before, it is kind of a set up as he will come home tired, and possibly forget or oversleep. There are a couple of solutions to this. Trade this chore for another one that he can do consistently? Make a point to take out the trash early before work?

Room mate negotiations are just that. What can I do, what can the room mate do. As his friend, you can help him decide what approach he wishes to take by discussing ideas, but- you should not make his choice for him or handle it for him.

If your boyfriend chooses to get drunk if he thinks she is upset, and that bothers her, then this is their issue and something he may need to learn from.

Behaviors have natural consequences, and you can't protect him from the consequences of his behavior. That would enable him. Not everyone is willing to put up with some behaviors, but that is his problem to solve. If he values her as a room mate, then he needs to learn how to be a good room mate. I hope he doesn't learn this by her moving out, but the truth is, if someone doesn't behave appropriately, it will bother other people.

The room mate's issues are also her problem to solve. As her friend, you can be supportive but also be careful not to be triangulated. You can validate her feelings without implicating your bf. "I hear your frustration and I hope that the two of you can work this out" is enough to say if she speaks to you.