"Disregarding" him?

[isilme]

FI has a new term he's using - "disregarding".  He claims if I fail in any way to do exactly what he's wanting me to do it's because I am disregarding him, ie, don't care about his wants or feelings.

This started Saturday, when, while fighting a respiratory infection that has lingered now for about 3 weeks (been to Dr., it's just taking forever to clear up - I have lots of sinus problems and scar tissue from previous infections), I went to the store to pick up food for friends of his coming by later, and then was going to clean house for their arrival.  He had other prep to do, and so me going to the store was supposed to give him time to do it.  He asked for Johnsonville bratwursts.  I get there, and there are two versions.  Mind you, my brain has been a little fuzzy, my concentration has been off, and so when I saw two versions, I texted pics of the items, asking which one - it took forever to transmit, so I continued down our list.  After a while, he texted back, telling me package #1, and when I got there, I stupidly grabbed the one next to it - he wanted beer brats, but usually wants beef, and beer/beef - my brain broke.  I finish the list, and forget ice, partly because you have to ask at the register and  I was dying to just get home and simply forgot.  Out of 35 items, I got all but 2 correctly.  But when I get home, I got yelled at for "disregarding" him, for not listening, for wasting his time asking questions.  I don't deny I grabbed the wrong one and I made a mistake.  And I forgot ice, which was easily picked up by someone else coming over.  But I also know that cold medicine, a cold, fatigue, make my brain fuzzy, and I felt that 5% wrong was okay, and that I had done him a favor by going instead of telling he I couldn't.  This is common, for him to flip out of I forget anything at the store. 

Also, he has been looking for freelance projects to make some money outside of work, but the most recent ones have been heavy sewing of fantasy armor/costumes - so it's ALL me doing the work.  I just finished for one client, and when he came by, FI mentioned we could add a way for a cape the client brought us to attach to the chest piece.  He said the words "loops" and "button holes" interchangeably (in the past I have added loops made of cord or ribbon to hook over buttons on the front of armor).  I said I could do loops, and did not know yet how to make button holes - had never, ever, made button holes - it's a bit complex and I did not know how my machine did it.  I said this a few times.  The client thought he was promising I'd sew the guy a cape, and dropped off fabric at our door.   FI did not correct him, just gave it to me to make a hooded cloak out of.  I got it almost done, and asked about the button loops - what color cord to use, and got told I'd "disregarded" him again, by not hearing him say 100% that we would put in button holes.  Of course, "disregarding" my statement that I don't know how doesnt count :|

Last night, even though I am still coughing, I decided to go ahead and take a walk with FI for some exercise.  We both want to lose weight for the wedding, and also for a trip we hope to take in a few weeks, and I DO need to slowly work to build my lungs back up from the flu, bronchitis and pneumonia in recent years.  It's still warm here, and a walk seemed fine.  But somehow, as we walked, my trying to communicate that I didn't feel up to a lot more activity last night because my throat hurt (he wanted to be frisky outside - I could not focus much on more than wanting a hot drink and THEN see if I felt like it), and then asked if I wanted to go out to eat.  I said, "No, I'd planned to cook dinner... .but if that will take too long, what do you want to eat?"  He has sugar issues, and I know if it gets too low from too long between meals, he has a melt down.  I think this may have contributed to last night - but he said I'd told him no too many times, I was "disregarding" him, and to "figure out" what he wanted to eat like I supposedly make him "figure out" when I'm ready for sex (? Basically, he was ticked I didn't feel like jumping into the back yard last night, mostly because I am sick, and took my being quiet on the walk as being mad - I told him my throat hurt, I was not mad).  I spent 30 minutes (wrongly - I should have walked away sooner) trying to 'reason' with him that I was not telling him "no", but that I was not ready for sex in the backyard before something to drink, before the sun set, and wanted to be sure our annoying neighbors were not going to decide to take their noisy barking dogs out back.  2. I was fine getting food somewhere, but he needed to tell me where. 

Apparently, any mention of my still being sick is "complaining", talking about reservations about the back yard is "complaining", and wanting to cook rather than eat out to save money is "complaining", and asking him where he wants food is being fake.  I was in a lose lose, and I was stupid and kept engaging and could not validate anything other than I understood he felt a certain way, but then I invalidated by trying to explain I did not feel that way, think that way, and therefore was not trying to communicate that. 

Things are icy right now.  I spent much of the night coughing, and so moved to the couch so I'd not worry about making noise.  I was also hot.  He's probably taking that as me hating him or something :|  Ugh.  Things like this don't come up as often as they used to - but I am so tired, I can't always be Miss Perfect Validation, always remembers the tools.  And I am frustrated he lacks the empathy at the moment to give a damn I am sick, have been sick, and in fact, caught this damn cold from him in the first place.  I need a week of being able to do nothing but drink chicken broth and get well.  But I can't miss work, and am tired of letting things slide at home because he won't do them (like clean, go to the store, etc.).  He seems to be throwing a tantrum lately, fussy, and spoiling for a fight, and I was stupid and tired and gave him one. 

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[isilme]

Meh.  Yesterday improved slightly by bedtime, but I'm still sick, and spent the better part of another night on the couch so I'd not worry about keeping him up coughing.  Our young cat likes to play about 5AM - we live close to work and so don't need to get up till 7.  So I think she woke him up, too (I know she woke me up), and he's cranky again this morning.  I finished a project for a freelance client, and am going to get it to him during the day, but FI still won't share the guy's info with me to let me contact the guy directly.  I think that's some sort of control issue.  I mean, I did all the work, I should have been the one in contact.  Whatever.

FI's having to prepare an updated resume for some sort of assessment,  he's constantly worried he's about to lose his job (part of me thinks he WANTS to lose it - he's reverted back a bit to an old mindset of "i can work from home and do creative stuff and make lots of money!" - but he won't.  We tried that for a few years.  All it did was isolate him from people, which spiraled into deeper depression and anxiety, leaving me holding the bag for keeping the bills paid and food on the table.).  I understand the fear, after his last job and the way things went in it, it's not an irrational fear, just his reactions to it can be irrational. Also, his current bosses just gave him a merit raise, and he just got back from a retreat with them where they were positive with him - I don't think he is in danger.  But his emotions trump logic and actual events, and if he feels anxious, then all events are seen through that lens.  He's also freaking out because he doesn't keep up with the passage of time well at all, and the trip we usually take annually next month requires him to build a lot of stuff, and he has been screwing around doing other things or playing video games.  He wants to lose weight to feel better about himself for the trip, but can't reconcile his own sick-time as a valid reason he has not exercised. He was surprised how close Halloween is.  I'm like, you work in an office and use Outlook calendars all the time, all day.  How can you NOT know what day it is, and by relation, how soon others things are coming up?  Halloween does not come a different day each year.  Our trip is about the same week every year.  His poor executive control gets him every time. 

So, I think a lot of his moodiness right now is based on all of that, and he's taking my being sick and exhausted as some sort of purposeful slight, instead of being able to see me as simply - sick.    I have a staff luncheon at my job today, and figured I'd go, but any time something like this comes up and he can't see me halfway through the day, he gets mad.   I'ts not very often, and in fact, we are very lucky we work in the same complex of buildings.  If I worked even on the other side of our small town, seeing each other mid-day would be much harder.  Sorry, I just need to "talk" on here.  It helps me see better what I am doing that is making it worse, and what might be the causes for his current funk.  I can't help not feeling sexy or energetic while fighting a 3 week cold/infection that didn't clear up after 7 days of antibiotics.  It will pass, but I need time to rest and heal.  I burned through much of my sick leave in January with a nasty bout of the flu + one of these sinus  infections on top of it, so staying home from work is not an option.  I just get frustrated with him taking my being sick as a personal slight

[babyducks]

Hi isilme

I am sorry you are feeling sick.   I am troubled by re-occurring respiratory stuff myself.  So I get how you feel.   There is nothing that sucks the life out me faster than having a long drawn out battle with an URI.  

I'm still sick, and spent the better part of another night on the couch so I'd not worry about keeping him up coughing.  

ahhh quick thought here,  since you are the one who is sick, wouldn't it be better for your recovery if you had the bed and he had the sofa?

So, I think a lot of his moodiness right now is based on all of that, and he's taking my being sick and exhausted as some sort of purposeful slight, instead of being able to see me as simply - sick.    

Being run down, tired and feeling ill takes a lot out of a body.   Remember to be gentle with yourself.   I would encourage you to put yourself first.   I know it's hard.   Antibiotics always knock me on my butt.  

And maybe if you feel up to it try a little SET.

Support:  There are a lot of thing going on with work right now.

Empathy: It would make any one a little frazzled.

Truth:  Truth is I am still pretty sick and need to manage my energy and focus on feeling better.

In your own words of course.

hang in there.

'ducks