Why did my BPD ex sabotage the good things in my life?

[reecehero]

I am 2 months NC and struggling to put the pieces together even thought I know they will never fit.

My ex with BPD was insanely jealous of anything good I had in my life. If my career was going well they would try and sabotage it by writing negative reviews about me. If anyone complimented a clothing item it would go missing. I even caught them emptying a bottle of aftershave I had after someone said I smelt like "a million bucks" while wearing it. They tried to sleep with my ex-partners and even went as far as telling my close friends that I was abusive and that they should be friends with them rather than me (thank goodness my friends all think my BPDex is crazy. I have always been very sociable and charismatic and make friends easily which seemed to be a HUGH problem for my BPDex but this was never disruptive to our relationship. I would love some insight into this behavior ,particularly as none of it was a threat to our relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey reece, Welcome!  Those w/BPD, in my view, are extremely insecure, which leads them to sabotage the happiness of others.  The odd thing is they usually undermine themselves in the process, like shooting oneself in the foot.  All part of BPD, in my experience.

LuckyJim

[CrazyChuck]

I really think they sometimes sabotage good times to self hurt. I know my BPDw will pick the best of times to get mega pissed about the color of shoes I have on.

[goateeki]

There's actually a lot that I can say about this, though the modus operandi of my diagnosed BPD ex wife was slightly different.  The same things were targeted, but there was nothing veiled about the way she attacked these things, as seems to be the case with you.

One of the big issues with her was that she never separated from her own family when we married, her mother in particular.  This is a mother who really is very ill -- there is a history of unintended, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, abandonment of the family (when my ex wife was 11) for a "man" fifteen years her junior (with whom she lived) and other things that are maybe less dramatic, but not less significant in terms of their ability to warp by ex wife's character. Also, my ex wife has at least one out-of-wedlock pregnancy at a young age (abortion) and was raped at least once by a stranger while we were dating. 

The attacks had always been a part of our marriage but began in earnest as soon as our first child was born. They were all built on the theme of "You're a horrible father" and less often "You're a horrible husband." For the record, I'm a professional (lawyer) with an extended education, am reasonably professionally distinguished, quite fit (marathons), free of bad habits like drinking, smoking, gambling, have never even come close to having an affair. I'm assured I'm not unattractive. My ex wife, when she was my wife, did not have to work.  We lived (and I still live) in a four bedroom home with a big lawn and backyard in the leafy suburbs of a large city.

It's only recently that I've gained the perspective to see a pattern that I'm told was obvious to neutral onlookers. Any thing that I did that was incontrovertibly good, that tended to reinforce the notion that yes, I'm really a good guy, was attacked as being bad in some way.

Our young daughter sees a large Hello Kitty doll and REALLY wants it, and I get it for her? Within a week I was being told that it collected dust and that our daughter wasn't interested in it (though she played with it every day). Then it disappeared.  Take the kids fishing?  I was told that I take them fishing only because I like fishing (which isn't true; though I fished with my dad when young, I did not once in the nine years preceding the birth of our first child go fishing).  Take good care of the yard? I'm obsessed with the yard and taking too much time with it. Spend less time taking care of the yard to avoid being criticized as an obsessive? I "have no pride" and the "lawn looks worse than when we first bought the house." I sign up to teach Sunday School, and I'm yelled at for doing so because, in her view, I don't have perfect church attendance and therefore shouldn't teach Sunday School.  She did not go to mass once during our entire marriage.  Re-stain the entire deck, including the 100 vertical posts holding up the rail in one afternoon? Not a thank you, but "you missed a spot." Replace every door in the house, paint them and install new hardware in each in one day?  Again, not a thank you, but "This knob is different from the others and you have to replace it." The knob was not different. She was just behaving like Captain Queeg in the Caine Mutiny. 

I could go on with the list.  All of the things she attacked -- or, I should say, attacked most viciously -- were things whose goodness could not be disputed.  It's as if she had a compulsion to think of me as bad (and she often said "You're a bad person" and "You're the source of all my problems". If I was not bad, then her self concept was disrupted: she would have to think of herself as a fortunate person.

Now she has to work, she sees her children half as much as she once did, and she lives in an unheated apartment near railroad tracks on which freight trains rumble all night long.  She is completely alone.  But she is happier, because she can see herself as she wants to see herself -- as an unfortunate victim of "bad people" like me.       

[problemsolver]

My BPDex basically did the same thing. . Its kind of funny if I tell my story from my perspective it just seems as though her way of me staying with her and loving only her was to sabotage my life... .I mean she smeared me to several girls I've lost several mutual female friends (I am now the guy who cheated on her) I've tried to defend myself to a few of the females but to no avail... I lose friends and she gains popularity and gets to be a victim. . Lost a lot of girls who were just friendly. . I'm very fit and handsome ( according to girls I'm not trying to be narcissistic) she would say things like wow you look awful today, look at you ... have you been drinking all day you look so tired. Oh look at you looks like your getting fat... I mean it's small digs but eventually they get to you. Especially when this person has played a nice role for so long

[thisagain]

One time my ex managed to try to sabotage both my professional reputation AND our relationship at the same time! By having an emotional affair with a professional school classmate of mine. That was a good one.

People with BPD tend to ruin the good things in their life, even the things they want the most, because of their emotional immaturity and reactivity. Seeing you enjoying the things they've ruined (good family relationships, successful career, friends, etc) intensifies their shame and self-loathing. It makes sense how they would think that sabotaging you could make them feel better; of course it never actually does.

[Hmcbart]

I see a lot of these same behaviors in my wife.  Once after helping out teaching a class at the Cub Scout camp my boys were attending, the camp director told me that she kept hearing from parents and scouts that they enjoyed the class I was teaching the most.  I was on cloud nine, my ego and send esteem was through the roof.  When I told my wife about it at lunch that day she told me that the only reason everyone liked my class was because it was one they all need to go through. 

She knocked the wind right out of me. I don't know if the rest of the people that came through my class that day could tell but I was down after that one.  The best part was at the campfire that night when they were having the instructors stand up, I got a standing ovation that no one else did. I just looked at her and smiled but never said a word.

There have been many other times where it feels like things are going great and she will need an excuse for them to be bad. She usually will say I did or said something mean and use that to start a fight.  I used to go toe to toe with her when she did this but now I just smile and walk away.  It makes her more mad but I don't care anymore how she feels. 

[reecehero]

Thank you all for the insightful responses. Knowing I am not alone in my experience really makes a huge difference. I wish you all the best in your personal journey and remember - we will overcome.

[Mel1968]

You're definitely not alone, reecehero!

goateeki said:

I could go on with the list.  All of the things she attacked -- or, I should say, attacked most viciously -- were things whose goodness could not be disputed.  It's as if she had a compulsion to think of me as bad (and she often said "You're a bad person" and "You're the source of all my problems". If I was not bad, then her self concept was disrupted.

I got this entirely. I hadn't really thought of it as necessary for her self concept, but that makes complete sense, thank you. This would explain why, even when she saw with her own eyes that I wasn't doing the things she was accusing me of, she either insisted she hadn't seen the truth, or twisted whatever so that I was still doing Something wrong... .because if she hadn't, what would that have meant for her concept of herself as victim?

And of course, the more I was clear and open in my communication, and entirely transparent in every interaction I had, and action I made, the less able she was to find any actual transgression, and so the harder and harder she tried, and the more and more she pushed, getting nastier all the time - she was fighting for the survival of this concept of self she was comfortable with...

Not sure where you go with that though... .apart from as far away as possible... .

[greenmonkey]

People with BPD tend to ruin the good things in their life, even the things they want the most, because of their emotional immaturity and reactivity. Seeing you enjoying the things they've ruined (good family relationships, successful career, friends, etc) intensifies their shame and self-loathing. It makes sense how they would think that sabotaging you could make them feel better; of course it never actually does.

my BPD ex was intent on destroying me as a person and everything that I felt good about in my life. Sh e tried to drive a wedge between me and my kids, tried to disrupt my career (this was very difficult as i am self employed and my jobs takes me anywhere at short notice). I was immensely happy with my life etc before I met her and she was jealous of everything in it, and by attempting to destroy it I guess it brought me down to her level which brought her happiness.

She failed on very count. I now have my life back, I am happy with me as a person and she is my distant memory. She on the other hand is pressing the self destruct button and being the woe is me I am the victim to whoever will listen

[OnceConfused]

I think BPD points out every little things wrong with us or our behaviors SO AS TO SHOW BY POINTING OUT OTHER'S NEGATIVES , THEY ARE A SUPERIOR PERSON. It is like a child who points out , oh johnny did that, implying they are perfect because they did not commit any faults.

For example, after a short 1/2 hours of visiting my old friend and his wife, the xBPDgf already made some negative comments about my friend's wife. After a short meeting with my 16 yr old daughter, she made some negative comments about my daughter as well.  THE XBPDgf thought she was the nicest person on earth, and all of her problems in life were from others like her Xh, her xbfs ... .

I was with xBPDgf for only 9 months and I can say that was the most difficult 9 months in my life. I was constantly walking on eggshells for the fear of being criticized , or fear of the frequent break ups. It was insane.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree with that, OnceConfused.  You could say that a pwBPD likes to shift the focus to others, to avoid looking at him/herself.  They have little or no ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for their own actions, so it's alway someone else's fault.  If they can pick out a negative in someone else, so much the better, in their minds.

LuckyJim

[goateeki]

Mel1968, I'm going to attempt to quote here (I can't believe that I've forgotten how to do this -- it's late):

"I could go on with the list.  All of the things she attacked -- or, I should say, attacked most viciously -- were things whose goodness could not be disputed.  It's as if she had a compulsion to think of me as bad (and she often said "You're a bad person" and "You're the source of all my problems". If I was not bad, then her self concept was disrupted.

I got this entirely. I hadn't really thought of it as necessary for her self concept, but that makes complete sense, thank you. This would explain why, even when she saw with her own eyes that I wasn't doing the things she was accusing me of, she either insisted she hadn't seen the truth, or twisted whatever so that I was still doing Something wrong... .because if she hadn't, what would that have meant for her concept of herself as victim?

And of course, the more I was clear and open in my communication, and entirely transparent in every interaction I had, and action I made, the less able she was to find any actual transgression, and so the harder and harder she tried, and the more and more she pushed, getting nastier all the time - she was fighting for the survival of this concept of self she was comfortable with... ."

Mel, I've been told by my T and also by a friend (whose husband went nuts and was diagnosed with BPD among other things during their divorce proceedings) that in all frank BPD, there is an assumption that the pwBPD is a victim, that a malevolent universe is plotting against them, and something horrible will befall them eventually. My T has said it's a belief that the world acts on them, while we nons know that we act upon the world, and that there is very little they can do in their personal relationships other than exert control or leave them. I think that this is true, too.  Even if you look at the different varieties of BPD, there does seem to be in all of them an assumption that the world is out get them.  I think that this holds for the entire range, from the witch to the waif to the "quiet" borderline (the "as if" borderline).  They just respond to that assumption in different ways.

What my T said about either exerting control or ending the relationships seems correct, too.  All of the behavior we see in a pwBPD has the goal of exerting control. Is she a misunderstood person with a string of bad boyfriends? You'll be drawn in in your attempt to show her you're not like other guys; you're sympathetic.  On the other end of the spectrum, we see the witch who rages at a towel folded the wrong way or the non's exchange of pleasantries with an old girlfriend. Step out of line even one bit, and you'll pay. Whether it's accomplished through postures designed to evoke sympathy or intimidation, the goal is always the same: control. 

My friend, who is more familiar than me with the extremes of BPD aggression, tried to explain her view on this, which she came to know during therapy.  She said (I paraphrase) "If the good things that you did were recognized by her as being unequivocally good, this would mean that she's a fortunate person; fortunate to be married to a man who maintains the yard, takes the kids fishing, etc. She can't be a fortunate person, though, because if she is, then she cannot be a victim.  Being fortunate and not a victim is too hard for these people. So you have to be a villain, and she has to play off you as villain in order to maintain her victim identity, which is the only thing she knows how to be. It's who she MUST be."

I really do believe now that this is accurate.  I had not considered it before my T said it, and when my friend mentioned this idea, I started to think of all of the attacks my ex made over the decades (the most energetic attacks, too) on those things that I did that you'd see some romantic leading man do in one of those Lifetime movies for women.  Imagine someone whose entire identity is based on being unfortunate being confronted with a reality in which that's not just untrue, but the opposite is true: she's actually quite fortunate, quite lucky. It's at those moments (when the non treats a child lovingly, makes the yard or house beautiful, contributes to the community) that her good fortune is most clear to her. So she has to act to destroy that perception.  I can't tell you how often I was assigned the worst possible motives for all that I did. If I took the kids outside to play ball, I was told I did it only because I like to play ball. If I got her flowers, I was told that I got them from the wrong florist and that if I really cared, I'd have got the flowers from the florist she prefers. Once I gently coaxed a new fishing lure with particularly sharp hooks out of my young son's hands (he was playing with it like it was a toy), and within a half hour was told that I did it only because I wanted the lure for myself. 

I have been thinking a lot about this and I am amazed at how perverse and horrible a thing genuine BPD is.  People with BPD and made unhappy by happiness, they are dismayed by kindness, and they have a compulsive need to wreck the people in their lives who are happy, caring and kind just to maintain their identity. It's sick. It gives us an idea of what intimate relationships in hell must be like.  I look back now and don't know how I survived it.   

[Mel1968]

Goateeki,

Everything you've said rings true for me, and does help to explain why, especially in latter months, she's really upped the ante in terms of her determination to find fault with me, just as I was determined she wouldn't be able to. How very sad.

She never has a good word to say about anyone, unless she's in the brief idealisation phase which often happens with new people, but never lasts. As for me, one of the things she was attracted to in the first place was my success and confidence, the very things that she grew to despise and try and destroy. It does make me so sad.

I have to admit I had a chuckle about your lure tale, you couldn't make it up!

[greenmonkey]

Thank you Goateeki for that, that was probably the informative post I have read in a long time, and explains and confirms so much.

My uBPDex was intent on destroying me, I was /am happy and content with my life, I looked after, cared for, cherished etc gave her a life most women would dream of and yet she was intent on destroying it.

I am now one year out (next week) and it is posts like these that just reaffirm to me how seriously ill and sick she is, and unless she wants to do something about it herself no-one else can help her.

Thank you again

[Lucky Jim]

My uBPDex was intent on destroying me, I was /am happy and content with my life, I looked after, cared for, cherished etc gave her a life most women would dream of and yet she was intent on destroying it.

Same here, greenmonkey.  My BPDxW tried, and is still trying, to do away with me.  As you note, she was intent on destroying me.  To what end?  She only shot herself in the foot by undermining my ability to earn more income, but she doesn't get that and never will.  I guess she thinks she will feel better if I am pulverized and/or flattened, but that's not how it's playing out.  I'm still here and continue to improve.

LuckyJim

[greenmonkey]

My uBPD ex shot herself in the foot big time too. She is just pressing that self destruct button. She cannot and will not get close to me again to finish what she started although she has been trying for a year and not succeeding.

I too have learnt so much from being here, I am improving day on day, but as the anniversary looms next week of 1 year that I last saw her, I am wondering if she will attempt something. Time will tell. I know she won't succeed whatever she tries

[Michelle27]

I didn't understand it at all when it was happening to me, but now it makes sense.  Early on in our relationship, I became a huge fan of a music group, met the members, traveled to concerts in 2 different countries and even worked on the website.  My immersion in the group was in part an escape of my life, but he saw it as a threat to him.  Everytime I went to a concert (with at least one of my daughters every time), he would have a rage just before and after.  I never understood why he always did this.  And for the last 5 years of our marriage, I took one holiday away by myself once a year and same thing... .he always tried to ruin it for me.  I know now he tried to sabotage anything good for me because he was so filled with self hate and shame that he'd rather try to ruin anything good for me than work on himself.  Such a sad existence.

Oh, and when things were really bad (I assume he was battling the demons of BPD and depression for at least a few years) and I ended up taking over everything around the house because it seemed he could barely cope with going to work.  That went on for years (and now I know I shouldn't have let it... .).  At one point, I found out that he was actually telling his family that I sat on my a$$ all the time while he slaved around the house.  HUH?  I was lucky if he picked up a broom or cleaned a bathroom once a month, and then of course wanted a ticker tape parade in his honor if he did.  I worked full time too and make much more money than he did but somehow I was supposed to also take care of everything else too.

[myself]

She can't be a fortunate person, though, because if she is, then she cannot be a victim.  

In learning to make sense of the who and whys of the person I was with, I've come to this conclusion over and over again. To truly live the life she could choose (real friends, real love, real peace) needs to be a choice. To do so would bring the old house of cards down, yes, but would also allow her to rebuild in more long lasting and positive ways. *%@&# disorder.