Loving my DD29

[qcarolr]

It has been a long while since I have been here at bpdfamily. Too much going on and too fatigued. My body finally erupted to a point where the docs treated me with predisone -- the ever-present inflammation has settled now.

Overall my core family is doing OK - dh, gd10 and I.  DD is better much of the time, though still the same in many ways. She spent most of last year in jail and I loved her all through that, advocating as I could. The court system kept me accountable for her being an adult and having to manage with minimal assistance from outside. Once released the same old patterns continued. At least for now she seems to be clean of meth, though she refuses to accept treatment for addiction and mental health issues that include BPD. She has been in a couple of bad r/s's, ending up in jail in June and now on 18 months probation again. She is non-compliant and told me this week she wants to ask her probation officer Friday to just give her straight jail. She is back living mostly in her transient community -- in a group camping in culverts under a major road in the nearest city. She comes home about once a week to shower, do laundry, eat. Sometimes she is part of the family, sometimes she hardly speaks to us. We never know when she will arrive or when she is about to leave.

Amazingly I am OK with this. She is doing her best to be respectful and grateful when she is here. I do not like or trust the current bf (of this week) who has stolen from her in the past and done lots of drugs with her. He appeared clean when I dropped her in the city a couple days ago. I am having lunch tomorrow (if she shows up).

There are lots of positives. She has reconnected with gd10 - though there is a lot of "sibling rivalry" -- that is the kind of relationship I see. She can be self-reflective and I am a better listener. I breath into acceptance and non-judgement often each day, and meet with supportive people in my life every week. They hold me accountable for my part when I interfere with allowing her to be an adult. She chooses - she enjoys or she suffers. I can love her always no matter what, and tell her this. I also am better at sticking to our boudnaries -- gd10 calls them the house rules and is really assertive in holding us all accountable. She has given dh a break though on the bad words rule as he defiantly will not change. Sometimes it feels like I am living with two 10-year olds.

The past couple days I have been doing a lot of pondering on DD's preference for living homeless -- even though she does have a home with us when she chooses. My perception has shifted to thinking of her as a gypsy -- always moving around, never content, making her way in whatever means are needed. Her crimes are small - shoplifting food and clothes mostly. Most of her companions and friends rotate through jail just as she does. It is a part of their community 'culture'. And it is a community with its own values, standards and rules. How can the broader community find ways to acknowledge this underground life will not go away. All the programs to get rid of homelessness assume they desire to be off the street. The ones that are temporarily homeless do choose to work with these programs and a portion are successful. There is a lot of mental illness and substance abuse. They are adults. "Hitting bottom" is really a long, long ways down when there is resistance to treatment.

I do know of two men that were bf's with DD over the past 5 years that have worked their way out of homelessness. One has a son with pre-natal drug related issues. He was in jail about 18 months on serious theft charges. He accepted the transition program in jail, worked with it, and seems to have benefited. His son was in foster care and social svcs brought him for visits while he was in jail. He has since reconnected with his dad who is providing financial support. He is now an employee at the county mental health wellness center as a peer counselor. I wish him well. He avoids contact with DD. DD still longs for him at times when she is alone.

The other ex is back in prison for 6 months for violating no-contact with DD. He assaulted DD and she called 911 back in 2012. He does have a plan to get on with his life - going to college, working, etc. He has the support of his mom, who really 'hates' DD. And he is obsessively attracted to DD. Potential for lots of continuing drama here. I can stay out of it.

So grateful for all then changes in me that allow my good connections with DD.


qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

One other positive. DD asked if I would go with her to see the Dalai Lama. He will be in our city this fall at the local university. I did get tickets for one all day session. She asked about this last week - hoping she could stay out of jail until after this event!  She has been to church a few times with gd and I this year. I think she has gotten some emotional and food/clothing help from the local Buddhist community. This spiritual connection is the greatest hope of all the she will come to seek real recovery. There is such compassion in her heart buried under grief and loss.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

It is so good to see you here qcarol!

I am glad to read that your endeavors to persevere are paying off for you and your family.  Your daughter's "normal" is acceptable to her and it appears you are finding a way to accept it as well.

How is the school year going for gd10?  Gosh, I can't believe she is 10 years old... .time goes by so quickly.



lbj

[swampped]

Dear qcarol:  I have been thinking of you and am so glad to hear you are doing well---please take good care of yourself and listen to your doctors!  You continue to inspire me with your faith and your perseverance on this journey with BPD.  Your dd is blessed to have you, and we are blessed on this Board with your presence.       Swampped

[qcarolr]

lbjnltx -

DD spent last night here with headache and such. Today I drove her to probation meeting. She feared being sent to jail - reminded her there was no warrant and the next step on that would be setting a hearing at least a month away. The PO said she was doing well - did all her UA's in past two weeks. All her UA's have been clean. There were problems with therapist DD was referred to set up Domestic Violence classes. So together, on speaker phone, they called another provider and got intake set up. It is closer to our home and on an easy bus route. She got a $10 gift card for food as a reward! So we ate, then she tracked down the bf (who had her phone!) and stayed with her 'family' in the city.

Saying I read recently: If you are worried and can do something about, no need to worry. If you cannot do anything about it, no need to worry.

I have been saying this myself when I am worrying - daily. Dh and I remind each other actually.

GD is struggling with some things at school - harder work in 5th grade. We will go to her first teacher conference next week and get her assessment results and education plan. She has a great teacher who is so good at communicating via email weekly. GD shares very little about her day and says she does her homework at school. She does get along well with her friends at school and in the neighborhood. She struggles greatly with respecting others stuff when she wants to do some creative play - Dh tools that rust when left outside. My stuff in my office. She has no sense of putting things away -- well neither do any of the rest of us in many ways. Like we are all living under water which makes moving around soo veeerrryyy sssslllloowwwww.

We are pursuing adopting GD this year for the financial benefits available under dh's social security retirement starting in January. We do not fit the 'custodial grandparent benefit' rules that are very restrictive. DD signed her consent form last week -- PHEW!  I reminded her our day to day life will remain the same, her value with gd and our family will still be real, and we might even be able to give her a small steady, monthly allowance. They mailed the consent forms to be notarized for the daddy who is in prison in AZ. He has said he will do this for gd. Now to wait for the background checks to come back -- two with the FBI and one with the state. We are 'squeaky clean' - a value that is not shared in DD's community. In fact it gives a very negative, 'where is your fun?' response when we are asked how many times we have been in jail!

Swampped - thanks for the hugs too. It is good to know that my story sharing is able to give something back to others here.

Taking care of me. I reached out today with this. To my friend and spiritual mentor. I got up my courage to share with her about a comment of hers at a 'transformation workshop' class in church that felt hurtful to me. I realize it was not intentional as I pondered, prayed, wrote in my journal. She really appreciated my call, and listened well to what I shared. We set up a time to meet next week.

Then a book popped up on my phone today - that I thought I already read and it seemed new to me. "Soulful Spirituality" by David Benner, PsyD.  The point he makes about having to be grounded in my body (physical being) to grow spiritually in becoming a whole human is very important to me. I have spent most of my remembered life somewhat dissociated, wanting to get out of my physical being (it feels unsafe there often) and move into only a spiritual realm. Not to happen. As my faith in trust has grown the past couple years keeping my feet on the ground daily, and asking others to help me with this (dh, friends, counselors... .) the sense of danger has lessened so much. I wanted to quote him but could choose. The whole epilogue is too much to quote. I have 'heard' very clearly from God that the most important thing is relationships -- I have to stay.

I also got a steroid injection in my left knee yesterday. It was seriously injured in an accident in 2004 and now there is osteoarthritis. He said it is beyond any scope repairs and in time will need to be replaced. Had my thumbs done with similar injection after new xrays this summer - damage from too much hedge trimming 20 years ago! They have been troubling me for several years now. No replacement parts for thumbs! I also have lots of inflammatory disease in my genetic history including an actual gene I test positive for. Real 'disease', stress makes it worse. Lack of self-care leads to un-managed stress - chaos of my life is a given regardless.

DD was asking me about my health today, and I explained how hard it is to have my needs for private time respected in the house. I can leave, but there is no place to go that is private, with my computer, books, journals, pictures, paintings, etc. all around me. I did not include her in the endless demands on my presence, but she is one of the three in the house that constantly need me. I talked about how hard it was for others to accept when I pulled back on things I felt they could do for themselves, including with her. And that maybe this is why her PO does not like to see me driving her to meetings -- she 'should' be able to do this herself. Truly it takes 90 minutes for her to travel by bus when I can drive her in 25 minutes. Then I can do whatever I want while I wait in the courthouse lobby for her -- like reading on Kindle book referenced above today. When planned ahead of time it is fulfilling to be able to do this with her.

A new perspective also came out when I was talking with her. How good it felt to me to be needed, to be depended on, and how I used this to manipulate so many situations for my benefit in my unaware state. How this interfered with others views of their abilities to do it for themselves and created an unhealthy dependency between us. It felt like an unrehearsed confession of how this has hurt my relationship with her and others. All this talk seemed to settle the worries we both had felt when getting in the car today. Maybe this conversation allowed her to be  more honest and open in her PO meeting as it seems her needs for help were understood and met. DD also seems to have experienced that her PO does care.

I also checked in with my pdoc office today about feeling a bit manic after oral prednisone for my skin inflammation past couple weeks. It is really something that has been brewing for over a year until it boiled over this month. I am trying a new med. for a couple weeks to see if I sleep better and get my mood stabilized. Hate to go over the edge into raging -- it has been a long time since I have been there with my bipolar II. I was really comforted by their sincere, prompt response to my call today.

Thanks for being my friends here --- I think of you all even when I am away from the forum.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

This is a wonderful thread, qcarolr, and a wonderful update. Thanks 

A new perspective also came out when I was talking with her. How good it felt to me to be needed, to be depended on, and how I used this to manipulate so many situations for my benefit in my unaware state. How this interfered with others views of their abilities to do it for themselves and created an unhealthy dependency between us. It felt like an unrehearsed confession of how this has hurt my relationship with her and others.

You have hit the nail on the head, regarding my own situation and proclivity with my son... .I'm going to learn from this, and needed to hear it... .

I really hope that things get easier and happier for your whole family, qcarolr, and it's great that you are finding peace where you can 

[qcarolr]

Rapt Reader -- always happy my life can be a benefit to yours -- or anyone who needs to hear my story.

DD has spent more time away from our house than here the past 4 weeks. This feels OK to me even though dh does not like feeling like her hotel. It is more predictable when she is gone -- gd10 really prefers her to be away. She does love her mom - it is going to start raining soon here for the next couple days. She was worrying about where her mom would be. I said she has several friends with places to live all around us in this county. She can always come home.

DD broke the no overnight guest rule a couple weeks ago. Gratefully I dealt with it in a sane way. Spoke directly to the friend about the house policy and that I was going into the city and would give her a ride. There is no threat with this friend who has been in DD's arena for a couple years. A troubled guy that desires to be a girl. Gd even was OK with her. Just not overnight or unannounced. Dh is stymied by the transsexual issues. I was glad he left early for work. My belief is that God loves ALL his creation even though people struggle with differences. My little human being sees just a tiny speck of the BIG PICTURE. How silly for me to think I get to judge how it works out for anyone except ME. Lately I have been way too hard on myself -- read on.

My emotional life with DD is easier, at least in my mind, as I am able to truly let go of beliefs that I can 'make' her do, say, be, care about, etc the things that are valued by me. She does have values, is a compassionate friend, and has expressed her appreciation and love for each of us (dh, gd, me) on a regular basis this year. AND she knows I mean business about the basic house rules. If things deteriorate to violence, the police are called every time. Then I am there with my phone account and care boxes while she waits in jail. Somehow I have been able to impress on her that my love is there no matter what and the boundaries are just as real. Hmmmm -- why did this take me 60 years to figure out (just had my birthday!)

On a more puzzling note, my body is not cooperative with my mind's idea that things are 'easier'. Or my body is playing games with turning 60. Then maybe my body is not able to deny, project, rationalize, mimimize... .  Seems like I a walking, talking workshop of the 10 kinds of distorted thinking (David Burns calls them cognitive distortions in his book "Feeling Good... .". If I search there is a sheet with how to undistort this -- need to find that!

I am on a new med for slipping into a manic episode after taking prednisone for sores that won't heal. That was about 5 weeks ago. The sores started in May and the biopsies in June showed only signs of inflammation, no infectious germies. I also have been really fatigued, etc. that I have shared here before. Now my feet and ankles are swelling. My PCP says 'venous insufficiency' with spider veins and to walk, elevate and wear compression stockings. Haven't found any local source for latex free compression socks and they come in all kinds of strengths and measures. Then there are these pesky sores on my legs still that these socks would go over the top of -- how will that work?  No so much I am thinking. And now I have new lesions popping up in various non-leg places.

So I spent some time today on the phone with my HMO - dermatalolgy, primary care, behavioral health. Guess I expressed my distress enough for the dermatology nurse to call the primary care nurse to call me who called the psychiatrist to check in that I was doing OK on the meds -- and with life. Nope -- no suicidal thoughts. Just escape fantasies. Told her the story of a member here that had a 'book store' for relaxation and any of us could come and have 'tea' to chill out. I told the psych nurse that my fear of actually taking a retreat break of some kind would lead me to not wanting to return. Nothing would likely change during my absence. I have done this a few times when DD was young -- dh did the best he could and I had lots of chores to catch up on. Not a real stress buster.

Dh's sister has just finished her chemo for breast cancer and started radiation yesterday. She has one other med to infuse until next May that is an antibody. Then his mom, in the final stages of Alzheimer's, has had two crises recently that she rebounded from with antibiotics. This is part of the disease. Some of the 3 siblings think a higher level care facility is needed before she becomes bed-bound. The sister has the POA and wants to delay this as long as possible (even though uses up the financial resources faster). She did do a lot of work coming to this decision, and listened to our concerns. I think there is peace, at least with dh and his sis. His brother and SIL no so much. Do I Need This Extra Emotionally Heavy Load In My Life? My reality - NO. Truth of the value in these relationships - YES. Yikes. No wonder my body is in revolt.

So off to the primary care - new doc for 2nd opinion - in the morning. Then to the GI doc re: Chron's disease check in on Friday (made this annual appt. 3 months ago). Have a dermatology appt. in 4 weeks - first available.

Thanks for listening to my rambling vent here tonight. As things settle again, and they will, I hope to be here more often. I miss my bpdfamily.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Update on Gd10 and DD together.  :)D signed the consent for dh and I to adopt gd. This was a difficult decision for her, and I am so grateful she chose to agree. I got a letter from gd's dad on Saturday that was his long lament about fear of losing all contact with her and the family. Ultimately he stated this was the best for gd, and he is always going to do what is best for his daughter. He was going to get it notarized as soon as he finished this letter to me. He has two more years in Arizona DOC on a four year sentence for assault. He was in the Calif. DOC system for the five years prior to that.

We have had legal custody (Parental Responsibilities) for 9 years with zero financial assistance from the parents. The past 5 years we have received a nominal cash benefit and medicaid for gd. The state may squeeze some funds from the dad -- we will never see any of that. DD is deemed disabled and exempt from child support. With the adoption all that legal stuff goes away. We are adopting so gd will get dependent child benefits under my federal disability and dh's social security. He has applied to start this in January. She should get half of one of our benefits. I can see above the water for the first time in years.

Our day to day lives will not change. DD will always be the mom. Dad will always be the dad. Dh and I will always be the grandparents. Gd will get the financial resources she needs that we cannot provide. Our hope is to stay in our house as long as desired. Also to pay for the sporty new-to-me car purchased in the peak of my manic fun - my old car needed a new engine and is waiting for the donation tow truck. It was only a couple years older and a little more costly plus really fun to drive. It fits me - one place that my back and legs don't hurt! Maybe we can go on a trip or something too. Black Hills of S. Dakota sound good to me -- gd is at the perfect age. Well, how about Yellostone. Dh can get his lifetime pass for National Parks now. Load up the travel trailer and go -- how nice that might be, say a 2 week trip somewhere.

Gd loves fishing, and is persevering to overcome her intense fear of the big fish that jump at the wildlife refuge near our home. She has actually learned to let go of some of the critters she rescued from the farmers ditch this summer. Without arguing -- just some intense negotiations. She is letting the two salamanders go this week. We are allowing the aquarium fish, of course, and her little girl Betta in her room. The big toad, that spent 8-10 years under our shed, gets to winter over this year. And she is allowed 6 tiny toads - they eat little crickets and not so many. We adopted the collared lizard from the neighbor boy - it eats BIG crickets and is fun to watch romp around his habitat. The last are two little hermit crabs that survived the 'crab wars' last year. They were fighting over shells I guess. Some teaching moments are brutal for all of us.

5th grade is a good fit for gd. She is at grade level in math and reading. Keyboarding will help her overcome slow writing. Only practice will organize the content - and the need to present research projects in front of other people. She is actually cooperative this year in doing the work on the project and negotiating the presentation piece with her teachers. Last year they made some accommodations and she got at least partial credit. She likes her new resource teacher. She is taking Adderal and Intuniv for her ADHD. She refused her meds. for a month in the summer -- did that work for her? Not so much. When we met with pdoc in August she actually could tell him about this.

One good thing having DD around is she holds me accountable to let go of gd. To support her in growing up and offering her as many opportunities to be independent now. The consequences are much less dangerous. DD has been able to listen when I have offered apology for various situations when I was just not there at an emotional level for her. When she was 3, when she was 5-8, on and on. The one that brought tears to her eyes and mine was my taking responsibility for her coming home on the bus after the first day of kindergarten and the house was empty! The school put her on the bus in error -- she was signed up for after school care at the school. It was no ones 'fault' and I felt real sorrow about the impact this must have had on her sense of safety as a child. I am in awe of the impact of this - for both of us. It has taken a lot of persistent work for me to be able to bring this up to her in a sincere and compassionate way. In a way that she can hear it how I mean it.

It comes to mind that maybe her being gone a lot right now is related to signing the consent for adoption. She does not have the words, like the dad, to lament this loss. She seeks comfort from her friends. Oh I pray she is finding clean friends to hang out with -- meth is a monster in her.

Guess I better get to bed. Peace and rest. That is my prayer tonight.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

So much to contend with on a daily basis for you!  It "seems" that your own physical health is demanding that it be a top priority and given the care/concern/attention that it deserves.

I hope that you are listening and making the needed commitment to follow through with radical self care. 

Let us know how your dr visits go and how we can support you in loving, caring for, and valuing yourself.



lbj

[qcarolr]

Indeed, I am visible and have heard from most all of my support network and medical team. I almost forgot that this network is here for me. All I need to do is call out.

DD has left a couple of incomplete messages -- she is a mystery right now. I am feeling that my best help is to wait, be still.

Work - I set some limits with my boss today. He is also a friend and supported me in taking care of myself with boundaries at work.

Met with internal medicine doc. She wanted to say there was little she could do for me. I just persisted in my manic way of sharing the depth of my distressful story. I think she got it. Her words "let me refocus here... ." UA ordered - antibiotics rx given. Photos of my leg sores sent to dermatology dept. -- new ointment for lesions.

Behaviorial health psych nurse call today - increase my respiradone, call them in 2 weeks to check in, made appt. in November for follow up with pdoc. My dear dh was there while I talked on the phone last evening so I did not have to repeat my day to him. He had just asked "How was your day" when the phone rang. He is my ground stone, my man-of-the-earth that holds my wandering spirit connected to realities of life. My belief is without him, and all my other supports, I would drift away searching for safety and comfort in a realm not of this world. That would look like being an inpatient in a psych hospital to those living around me. Not a good scenario for the ones I love and care about. Well not so good for me either.

T call back from my voice msg. - she was able to validate many of my concerns, including that I sound a bit manic. My response "Well, yes!" She scheduled me an appointment in 2 weeks and suggested we meet regularly for awhile. She asked about my self-care plans as I had skipped most of them over the summer. Checked in about talking with my mentor - have a meeting with her tomorrow (she is my Al Anon sponsor/spiritual mentor/prayer warrior).

What do ya know -- when I called out they were all there. So much different than in the past believing I was totally alone in my mania. So comforting to feel that I am cared for, loved, and can drift down safely to a more balanced place.

Prayers for continued healing of my body, mind, heart and soul. I can feel how integrated all these parts are becoming.  

You have already helped me by posting your reply letting me know you have me in your thoughts and prayers. Prayers for healing all these parts of me. Thanks.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

I know that it can take years to get a well rounded and caring support system of professionals in place.  You are truly blessed to have so many who listen, understand, validate, care, and take action on your behalf.

The greatest amongst the support system is self and having the courage to help yourself, the belief that you deserve the highest level of care and concern and advocating for it.

You are loved.



lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

To become an advocate for myself required a belief that I was worthy of the listening, understanding, validating, caring and action from others for me. This is where the real work began many years ago. Real change has only stuck around, even in the same chaos, in the past year or so.

My personal growth has been jump started by many things in the past couple years that have all come together for good in my life and relationships with others.

Persistence and believing that what I think and feel are 'real' works. I was just not going to be sent away without some change in the treatment plan today -- this was not all stuff that the pdoc needed to 'fix'. Many organizations for care don't really know how to help unless the person receiving the service can let them know what is going on. So often with our BPDkids they do not choose to get their needs met with services available to them because they do not accept that anything is 'wrong'. At least this has been the case with my DD.

FYI - DD is back on facebook so she has found and/or charged her phone. Always good to know she is OK.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Interesting day - girls' day out with Dd29. Shopping for something to wear to niece's wedding tomorrow afternoon -- outdoor wedding. It was SO FUN. I bought DD a new 'nice' outfit. DD has not worn a dress or skirt since middle school. She got a long black skirt, nice top, black shoes and it looks really nice. She gained a lot of weight in jail last year and this looks so slimming on her. We even were able to joke about body changes - joked with the mid-age cashier too. Just turning 60 I think my skin has decided to detach from all underlying muscle    And then shift it all to the front of my body. I also got long skirt, nice top, a beaded necklace and boots. I haven't shopped for new outfit in a very very long time. Things are pretty casual here so it is jeans, T-shirt, athletic shoes and colorful socks.

I was modeling in the fitting room for DD, making comments about my changed figure. DD pointed to herself and shook her head like 'you have a belly!'. So I said, well I don't have two kids. And her reply  "You do have two kids?". DD and GD, those are my girls. Soon they will both legally be adopted daughters. And they are building a stronger, healthier relationship that feels a lot like my sister's and I had. I had to take a couple quick, deep breaths to keep from crying. A sense of relief washed over me. Then it felt kind of like shopping with my own sisters today. What a crazy constellation of emotions.

Another conversation today ended up on the new plates DH got me last year for Christmas, and how the old ones where in boxes saved for her home. "Well, mom I don't think I will ever own a home."  I asked if she planned to live with us always --- well yes unless her guy gets a place and she can be with him.  DD has failed utterly at managing her own place to live. It is how it is. She said even when she is doing the very best she can, she does not have success in keeping some people out and others she wants to stay to be there with the ones that need to leave. Sound confusing? It sure is.

I am so glad we got out today. DD has been ill all week and fears it is a flare up of liver disease. Left a message for her clinic today for blood work and an appointment. DD cannot do her UA under her probation being sick. She sees her PO tomorrow and fears being sent to jail. I reminded her that requires a judges order. The worst that could happen is the PO request a hearing. Then she will have time to prepare for it with her public defender. She has talked with me about asking for home detention if she goes to court. If her liver is flared up jail is doubly unhealthy for her. And she has been clean now for over 4 months. I see no signs of drug use. She does not drink because of the liver stuff.  The drama has no end. Enjoy what I can each day, and try to include her in this joy seeking. Not simply 'happy'. Able to find good in the midst of chaos -- a laugh, a hug, a good story, some good food... ... ... ...

It is DH's turn for my attention. He and GD10 had a meltdown while we were gone for an hour this evening looking for my boots. Too many toys, bikes, wagons, piles of leaves strewn about -- all the other kids were called home -- mess left for GD to put away -- she dawdles -- it was not pretty when we got home. Both were having meltdown. DH took time out in the bedroom with TV. Relationship repairs will take a bit of time after this -- some apologies were started tonight before GD off to bed.

It would be awesome if DD and I could write a memoir together of our life these past 29 years. A story told from two sides. We talked of this today. She showed me the next book she and bf plan to read together - he reads to her. It is a memoir involving someone addicted to multi-substances. I read the epilogue to her tonight -- where he is 4 months out of rehab and 1 year spent writing his story. It is so amazing to hear this step toward recovery from her -- to be able to share this book with me. I asked her about writing our story together. It would need to be done with the support of a network for each of use -- T's, friends, etc. I think we each have access to this. And then someone to help get it all on paper in a readable way.  Do you think this could be a healing path if done in this way?  Besides, most of the story is on the servers for bpdfamily! And in my journals and paintings. Hearing both sides of the story of two lives that radiates out into so many other lives. DD shares bits and pieces of her story all along the way lately -- she remember so many details that I have lost. It is actually kind of a scary idea. Something to ponder and pray on.

I am tired from my good day. Who knows what tomorrow will hold for me -- it is best to be rested. Really good or less good -- it is always unpredictable.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Writing a memoir sounds very therapeutic qcarol. 

It would be most enlightening to see the differences and similarities of both perspectives on the same events, on your relationship perceptions, and which events carried the most meaning in your lives. 

An ongoing journey towards peaceful acceptance of who each of you are, how you hold each other in your hearts, minds, and visions of the future would surely be a blessing.  Like a peek into each other's souls.

lbj

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks so much for the update and the story of your very good day! 

I agree with lbjnltx that writing a book with your daughter would be very therapeutic and so helpful for others reading it--your audience would be doubled with the two viewpoints. I know I'd love to read it!

Besides, most of the story is on the servers for bpdfamily!

  I think of this all the time... .If I ever wanted to chronicle my life/story with my son (and also my other BPD/BPD traits family members), it would mostly be a matter of compiling and editing what I've written here 

(For me, though, it's not likely that would happen. I'd be afraid to have everyone give me permission to do so--they'd have to actually read what I've written!--and I would never do it without their permission unless I used a Pen Name and went all anonymous with the whole wide world    )

You're very lucky that your daughter is becoming aware of her situation and yours and your whole family's, and is even thinking about compiling it... .What a remarkable breakthrough she is having!