Lost

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have to admit, I went from crying to not crying anymore to crying again.  So infuriating.  Today was horrible.  I woke up early this morning and just felt this huge sense of sadness.  It was painful.  I cried so much and I am sure will cry again tonite.  I am feeling so much anguish knowing that my exBPD has moved in with the woman he had cheated on me with prior to the breakup.  I shouldn't be surprised since he has cheated on me many times before. I guess knowing now that this time he left me for her is just devastating.  7 years is alot of years dealing, hoping, trying, crying, and loving a person who just never loved me.  How could he have loved me and do all of the horrible things that he has done?  It doesn't make sense to me.  I could read up on BPD all day long, it just doesn't change what I feel, and what I feel is shattered.  I sit here crying and going over and over again the events of our 7 year relationship and the night that he told me he no longer wanted to be with me, and what does he do?  The night he left he moved in with his other girlfriend.  I have so many unanswered questions.  I just want for him to just admit the truth about everything he has put me through, I don't care if hurts like hell to know the truth from him because I already know the truth from what his family has told me about what he has been doing and has done, but even the truth from him, he doesn't feel I am worthy of for closures sake.  At times i want to just hold him in my arms again and other times I want to hurt him as fiercely as he has hurt me.  His smile, his hugs, his touch is what I will miss the most.  Now someone else has that and it's not me anymore. 

[Ashamedandangry]

I have to admit, I went from crying to not crying anymore to crying again.  So infuriating.  Today was horrible.  I woke up early this morning and just felt this huge sense of sadness.  It was painful.  I cried so much and I am sure will cry again tonite.  I am feeling so much anguish knowing that my exBPD has moved in with the woman he had cheated on me with prior to the breakup.  I shouldn't be surprised since he has cheated on me many times before. I guess knowing now that this time he left me for her is just devastating.  7 years is alot of years dealing, hoping, trying, crying, and loving a person who just never loved me.  How could he have loved me and do all of the horrible things that he has done?  It doesn't make sense to me.  I could read up on BPD all day long, it just doesn't change what I feel, and what I feel is shattered.  I sit here crying and going over and over again the events of our 7 year relationship and the night that he told me he no longer wanted to be with me, and what does he do?  The night he left he moved in with his other girlfriend.  I have so many unanswered questions.  I just want for him to just admit the truth about everything he has put me through, I don't care if hurts like hell to know the truth from him because I already know the truth from what his family has told me about what he has been doing and has done, but even the truth from him, he doesn't feel I am worthy of for closures sake.  At times i want to just hold him in my arms again and other times I want to hurt him as fiercely as he has hurt me.  His smile, his hugs, his touch is what I will miss the most.  Now someone else has that and it's not me anymore. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there Ashamedandangry,

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain must be dreadful. My break with my BPDxbf was clearer because there was no one else involved, I can't imagine how you must feel but I want you to know I care about what you are going through even though there's nothing I can actually do but post.

Don't be ashamed to cry. It helped me a great deal.

As to unanswered questions, many people here have found the lack of closure very difficult. The likelihood that you will get closure from him is slim. I can understand the urge to both hold him and hurt him. I've been there too.

Love Lifewriter

[Ashamedandangry]

Lifewriter:

I am just so hurt.  The tears just won't stop flowing.  I just want the pain to go away.  I was going to write him an email telling him about how hurt I am feeling, but I began reading on this site about how the BPD feels no remorse and could care less what I am feeling and it just broke my heart even more.  I feel like I am mourning the death of a loved one.  I am mourning the death//Loss of him and the loss of me.  I try so hard to be strong around my children which is why I figured out I haven't cried in some time, but when I am all alone my heart just aches, drowning in so much sorrow.  No one around me understands my feelings.  I am told, how could you still love him, and it makes me feel so ashamed for loving him.  But I can't deny that I always loved him despite all of the heartache he caused me,  There were some good times, and I miss those times so much.  I miss that side of him that brought me so much happiness and made me feel so loved.  I continue to see his face in my thoughts, his smile, I still remember his gentle loving touch, how he would caress my face when I was sad, and his hugs and how it made me feel when I needed it.  And now I don't have his hugs any longer.  His hugs and smile and touch belong to some one else.  I even miss his voice and when he would call me his Nena which means his little girl.

[Lifewriter16]

I'm hearing you Ashamedandangry.

So many people here can relate to what you are saying, right down to feeling that their loved one has died rather than left. The person you fell in love with was subsumed by his disorder and at that point, ceased to exist. Of course you feel sadness and are left feeling bereft. The love he gave you reached deep into your core. You took a risk and trusted him because he made you feel safe. Little did either of you know, that his disorder would make this love unsustainable.

I'm not convinced that it's true that people with BPD have no remorse (if he had ASPD, yes, but not BPD). The ability to move on, apparently without regret, and the lack of closure don't come from a lack of remorse. I think it comes from needing to run from the threat we seem to pose them accompanied by their needing some kind of relationship to help them manage their pain. They need to be close but not too close.

I think that we pose a threat to them because to them love equals abandonment or abuse or trauma. My BPDxbf once told me that 'love' means 'abuse' to him, that they go hand in hand like two sides of the same coin. The more he loved me or I loved him, the more he anticipated that I would attack him physically. The more he loved me, the closer he got to the memories of the physical abuse he went through as a child. That's why he turned on me and tried to push me away. That's why he eventually realised that he couldn't stay. He couldn't stand waiting for the inevitable (the abuse to repeat itself) and he simply couldn't change his mindset to distinguish the current situation from the historical one. He couldn't face his buried trauma. He was so convinced that I would unleash the physical beatings of his childhood on him that he had to run away. The anxiety of that was unbearable for him. He had to make me go away. He had to make me leave. And when I wouldn't leave, he went No Contact. That was the only way he could cope.

There's nothing normal in this type of relationship and consequently in this type of breakup, which is why people around you can not understand. Resist the urge to feel ashamed for loving him. When you met him, you probably became more of yourself than you have ever been, which is why you feel like you are mourning yourself too. You probably have little-girl needs that he met and he encouraged you to manifest with him because he can relate to your vulnerability. He wasn't trying to hurt you. I believe that what happened between you was genuine and that it is BPD, the disorder that robbed you of your special love. None of the hurt was wilful on his part. That's what I believe anyway. So cry those awful tears of loss. You have suffered a massive bereavement and your tears are healthy.

In time, you will begin to see what it was about him that made you love him so deeply. By reflecting upon that, you will begin to heal your past and begin to get stronger. I can assure you that I was once in your position and I felt I'd never get over it. But, I was wrong. I am healing. I am feeling better. But, in the meantime, keep posting. We're here for you.

Love Lifewriter 

[OnceConfused]

It is ok to cry as you mourn the death of your r.s. Time will be the only healer.

Whenever your mind drifts back toward the good times with him, immediately switch to the bad times in the r.s.  and how he moved in with his now gf the day he left you. That will help the healing process.

Perhaps you can focus on the fact that he moved in with the gf the day he left you. To me, it meant he has NEVER LOVED you. He might use nice behaviors to get you close but that did not come from a feeling of love, it came from an intention to deceive. YOU DID NOT HAVE A CHANCE.

Hang tough there my friend. It is hard to see the sun while you are in the middle of the storm, but trust that the sun is out there. You will get to that stage of the grieving process.