Back after a long absence...whew

[anncgrl]

  I was on this site awhile back. I don't remember how long ago and I don't remember why I did not continue posting. It is highly probable that my absorption in the life of the BPD or BPDs in my life. It is disarming to realize that codependence has sucked the life out of me yet again. Someone posted an article from this site on FB and it had to do with codependence/BPD. I read it and immediately came back to this site. My plan is to use this forum regularly. At this point it is my belief that my son and his wife are BPD. They are intertwined with each other in a love/hate bond that impacts everyone they know. My heartache at this point is for my 9 year old grandson who seemed to have the largest part of his dad's attention until my son met and married his current wife. At that point everything changed in all of my son's relationships. I am not trained in the mental health field but I have been around for a long time. I believe my daughter-in-law is at the aggressive/manipulative end of the BPD and my son is aggressive/passive. Both are as deeply ingrained in being victims as anyone I have ever met and that is saying a lot.

Recently I reached the end of my ability to cope with the drama, accusations, my own codependence... .the list is long as I also am the caretaker for my mom and husband. I have a psychiatrist who is awesome and I have an amazing support group of friends. But they cannot protect me from my own blindness to reality nor can they stand between me and the heartbreak. I nearly asked to be hospitalized but chose a short trip away for a few days to decompress. It helped. I am currently not in communication with my son and his wife. Feels pretty darn good.

I have to start work now so am signing off. I will definitely be back on today.

I am grateful for this site and grateful I found it again. There are no coincidences.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Hi Ann.  I just wanted to say hello and say how sorry I am that you are one of the many of us suffering along with our disordered kids.  I'm glad to hear you took some time for yourself as many on herehave stressed the importance of doing. 

I too oftentimes find myself wanting to commit myself into a pychward because I feel the anxiety taking control of me and want to give up.  But I try and remind myself that this too shall pass, that I'm doing everything I possibly can to make things better, but only have so much control, and I come on here for the support that has served me extremely well over the past couple of years!

It is by the far the most heartbreaking and stressful feeling to have children like ours who we love so much and just wish were "normal". But know you are not alone and we are here to support you. 

[lbjnltx]

Welcome back anncgrl 

Your struggles are ours and we have felt your pain. 

The truth about being a parent to a disordered child is that the struggles will continue into adulthood so we must continue to use our skills, evolve our skills, learn new skills, and grow in strength along the way.

Progress, not perfection.  The ongoing grieving process is draining, tiring, and necessary.

[anncgrl]

Thank you for the encouragement and especially for the acknowledgement of the pain and sorrow of having a child with BPD. My son and his wife are both in their 40's but "child" is the correct word to use for them. Actually they are like children in a horror movie and I say that without anger or resentment. I love my son as much as I have ever loved him. I do not love his wife but I accept that she is his wife and that if it were not her it would be someone else equally as ill as my son.

I have come to that place in the road where I have to choose which path to take and fully let go of my son. Probably all of us experience periods of time when our adult children seem to be doing much better. At least I have times when there are moments of fun mixed in with an incredible ability to be in denial... .on my part. Soon the illusion fades and the drama, manipulation, raging, etc. resumes with a greater intensity. It seems to me that the calm period must be nothing more than a time when the illness refuels itself and having rested waits for the perfect word, look, innocent moment to spring out into the room spewing venom.

During the times when my son has had a place to stay and a vehicle I find myself seemingly invisible. The idea that we have a reciprocal relationship trips me up. We do not and, as he has gotten older and married his perfect match, our relationship is clearly based on meeting needs... .yep... .his and his wife's needs. This is why I am here at this point in time. I blinded myself to the truth and that truth existed long before this marriage. My fantasy of a tender-hearted, loving son with an anger problem and victim mentality is gone.  I just realized that is kinda funny. I have been trying to pound a square peg into a round hole for a long, long time.

What has it cost me? I cannot calculate the money, emotional despair, embarrassment, inconveniences, assumption that I am available 100% of the time, stress that has burned out my body and my mental health and a broken heart. I was an active participant. The belief that one day all of the ugly will turn pretty is intensely insidious. I am now at the point of knowing that my life is in danger... .not from them... .from me. If I do not stop my codependence and accept reality I am going to go crazy or die. I choose life.

I know that my son loves me in his way of loving. I know that I will see him again and that I will love him always. I know walking away from him in a healthy way is going to hurt, is hurting and the compulsion to rejoin the dance will be strong. I am embarrassed that I have gotten so enmeshed again. And I sure wish I had some of that money back.