Huh? I'm confused, engaged after one month?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was in a relationship with my ex BPD for 2 years. And for the two years it was a roller coster of him loving me one day, and wanting out of the relationship the next. We broke up several times and he would find someone someone new online. He would kick me in and out of his apartment constantly. Finally I moved out and found my own place, several months later he contacts me I let him back in, and he persuades me to give us my apartment, just to break up with me shortly after. Funny how we never manage to spend any holidays together, he always breaks up with me around this time. Finally This last time around I went No contact for 7 months. He was furious, I didn't answer any emails, text, phone calls. He called my Father in another country, called mys sister at work, send her emails, professing his love for me.

Then he contacted me again after being no contact for 7 months. He wanted to apologize for how he treated me, the things he said to me, stuuuupidly I broke no contact and got back together. After a few weeks, he started talking about marriage, we went to a jewelry store on a Saturday to look at engagement rings, talked about venues for the wedding and the people we would invite. I was in la la la land again. ( I know so stupid, Its like I fall for the BS every-time). Now we went to look at the engagement rings on the Saturday and on Monday afternoon he discarded me again, went back to the other women he broke up with me for and is now engaged to be married. (Discarded me by text BTW) told me to move on with my life and he can never commit to me. its now been about 4 months of No Contact which I will certainly maintain.  Now in all fairness they were dating during the time I went NC, which was for about six months. my thought process is that maybe perhaps he really is in love with her and felt that she was more compatible. I;m just trying to rationalize if that behavior is normal


, At this point I don't even know if he is narcissistic or Border-lined personality disordered. Is he happy and have finally found the "one"? I did peek on instagram and he looks so friggin happy with his fiance and their kids. doing things with her that we never did together all is well in his world and I'm left picking up the pieces again... .here are a few quote he put on his instagram page with her pictures above it" his motto on instagram is GOD, Family, Soccer. Always talking about how blessed he is.

Don't desire what you had in the past, cherish what you have now because what you have now is among-st the things you've only dreamed of

"when you find a woman that's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her, that's how you get forever"

" A coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intentions of ever loving her"

These just seem so hypocritical to me. This is a man that goes to church EVERY Sunday. Actually once in the past when we were NC he brought a woman that he was seeing to the same church we were attending and purposely  sat with her a few seats in front of me and my family so we could see them, and still I took his sorry behind back again... .



I guess somewhere unbeknownst to me I must have been the one that treated him like ___... Even though he has kicked me out many times out of his home, called me a worthless scumbag loser, and told me I was no better off now than when he found me... .But hey I must have been he one who treated him poorly... smh, at least he's happy now, and him getting engaged means he'll leave me alone.

feel like I'm losing my mind... I do not look on his social media anymore  I think in some sick twisted way this engagement was somehow meant to hurt me,or make me feel like I was the reason he couldn't commit. He's recycled me so many times, maybe this engagement is a way for him to tell me that he's finally gone for good.

[stacma04]

I was in a relationship with my ex BPD for 2 years. And for the two years it was a roller coster of him loving me one day, and wanting out of the relationship the next. We broke up several times and he would find someone someone new online. He would kick me in and out of his apartment constantly. Finally I moved out and found my own place, several months later he contacts me I let him back in, and he persuades me to give us my apartment, just to break up with me shortly after. Funny how we never manage to spend any holidays together, he always breaks up with me around this time. Finally This last time around I went No contact for 7 months. He was furious, I didn't answer any emails, text, phone calls. He called my Father in another country, called mys sister at work, send her emails, professing his love for me.

Then he contacted me again after being no contact for 7 months. He wanted to apologize for how he treated me, the things he said to me, stuuuupidly I broke no contact and got back together. After a few weeks, he started talking about marriage, we went to a jewelry store on a Saturday to look at engagement rings, talked about venues for the wedding and the people we would invite. I was in la la la land again. ( I know so stupid, Its like I fall for the BS every-time). Now we went to look at the engagement rings on the Saturday and on Monday afternoon he discarded me again, went back to the other women he broke up with me for and is now engaged to be married. (Discarded me by text BTW) told me to move on with my life and he can never commit to me. its now been about 4 months of No Contact which I will certainly maintain.  Now in all fairness they were dating during the time I went NC, which was for about six months. my thought process is that maybe perhaps he really is in love with her and felt that she was more compatible. I;m just trying to rationalize if that behavior is normal


, At this point I don't even know if he is narcissistic or Border-lined personality disordered. Is he happy and have finally found the "one"? I did peek on instagram and he looks so friggin happy with his fiance and their kids. doing things with her that we never did together all is well in his world and I'm left picking up the pieces again... .here are a few quote he put on his instagram page with her pictures above it" his motto on instagram is GOD, Family, Soccer. Always talking about how blessed he is.

Don't desire what you had in the past, cherish what you have now because what you have now is among-st the things you've only dreamed of

"when you find a woman that's too good for you, you change to become a better man for her, that's how you get forever"

" A coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intentions of ever loving her"

These just seem so hypocritical to me. This is a man that goes to church EVERY Sunday. Actually once in the past when we were NC he brought a woman that he was seeing to the same church we were attending and purposely  sat with her a few seats in front of me and my family so we could see them, and still I took his sorry behind back again... .



I guess somewhere unbeknownst to me I must have been the one that treated him like ___... Even though he has kicked me out many times out of his home, called me a worthless scumbag loser, and told me I was no better off now than when he found me... .But hey I must have been he one who treated him poorly... smh, at least he's happy now, and him getting engaged means he'll leave me alone.

feel like I'm losing my mind... I do not look on his social media anymore  I think in some sick twisted way this engagement was somehow meant to hurt me,or make me feel like I was the reason he couldn't commit. He's recycled me so many times, maybe this engagement is a way for him to tell me that he's finally gone for good.

[Mutt]

Hi stacma04,

I'm sorry to hear things were so tumultuous in your r/s. There were several break-ups and you got kicked out of his apartment and found your own place. I can see how frustrating and distressing that would feel with interrupting your life with a place to stay.

A pwBPD have an insecure attachment style that is manifested from early childhood and these patterns continue into adulthood, the pwBPD want intimacy but they get uncomfortable when we're too close.

Let's step back and take a look at the bigger picture.

~ No contact with your ex for 7 months after getting kicked out, I think it's reasonable if you were getting kicked out several times over two years.  You didn't answer his emails, texts or calls, it would signal to him that you're done with the relationship?

~ He was in a new relationship when you were in no contact with him for several months, maybe he was having troubles in the new relationship? He broke up with you by text, it was likely too emotional for him, and he said that he can't commit.

Now we went to look at the engagement rings on the Saturday and on Monday afternoon he discarded me again

What happened on Sunday? Did you tell him that you can't commit?

[stacma04]

@Mutt, On Sunday we went to Church together, told me I was his future wife and his best friend, and we spent the rest of the day on the couch watching TV. no arguments, no fighting nothing. On Monday I was starting my new position at my job, before I left in the morning he told me he couldn't wait to hear about my day. At 330 pm on Monday afternoon, he was singing a different tune, he couldn't commit and wanted to go back to the OW.

[Mutt]

He had a tumultuous pattern with you and he's likely going to follow the same patterns of break-up / make-up cycles with the other woman? The relationship is going to play out differently with different people, but BPD psychopathology isn't being addressed if he's not getting help.

Do you think that these break-up / make-up patterns will carry-over into his new relationship? It sounds like they broke up and then made up, maybe he got a message from the other woman over the weekend or on Sunday?

Finally This last time around I went No contact for 7 months. He was furious, I didn't answer any emails, text, phone calls.

You didn't talk to him for 7 months, how does that feel when somebody blocks us out of their lives? We tend to feel sub-human, he signaled it, he was furious. Why did you stop talking to him? I think that I would feel anger and frustration if I had to worry about a place to stay? Were you fed up?

[stacma04]

@MUTT, I honestly don't think he'll bring these patterns into the new relationship. From what I've seen he only broke up with her once which was when he came back into the picture. when I asked him why he broke up with her he said, because he couldn't get over me, and wanted us to get back together( ya right) ... Yes I didn't speak with him for 7 months because I got so tired of the break up/make up mess and him telling me to move out all the time, not to mention I had a young child. Yes i was angry and frustrated for having to always find somewhere to live. I think when I look at this big picture, he just never wanted to be with me , I was a stepping stone until he found what he was looking for. 

[Mutt]

when I asked him why he broke up with her he said, because he couldn't get over me, and wanted us to get back together( ya right) ...

stacma04,

Absolutely, I can relate with getting tired of the emotional roller-coaster and not knowing where I stood, you also have a child that you have to take care of.

I recall the idealization phases and thinking that things will return to the way that they used to be when we made up, then the devaluation followed every time. It was heart-breaking that things never seemed to work.

Does that sound right?

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking.

Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

As natural relationship realities that develop over tie clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"