broke no contact

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I wonder if there is a limit on how many times it takes to get it through my head that things are never going to get better.  She is who she is unless she seeks therapy and sticks with it.  I am pretty ashamed of myself right now.  We went out and I slept with her again last night.  I have been 3 weeks nc with her up until last night.  Then today I sent her a text and she told me not to contact her again.  I guess she got what she wanted from me. And now she is blowing up my phone telling me how sorry I am and how I have led her on.  I don't know what I was trying to gain from it.  I think I was trying to get the pain to stop.  And in doing so, the pain has intensified.    I just need a little encouragement.

[WhoMe51]

I wonder if there is a limit on how many times it takes to get it through my head that things are never going to get better.  She is who she is unless she seeks therapy and sticks with it.  I am pretty ashamed of myself right now.  We went out and I slept with her again last night.  I have been 3 weeks nc with her up until last night.  Then today I sent her a text and she told me not to contact her again.  I guess she got what she wanted from me. And now she is blowing up my phone telling me how sorry I am and how I have led her on.  I don't know what I was trying to gain from it.  I think I was trying to get the pain to stop.  And in doing so, the pain has intensified.    I just need a little encouragement.

[sweet tooth]

I'm sorry, man. Try not to beat yourself up. We're all only human. Maybe it would be best if you shifted your thinking: Your person with BPD is analogous to heroin and you're analogous to a junkie. You went three weeks without taking a hit of heroin. You took a hit (meeting up and having sex). In the short term you felt great (getting high). Afterward you feel lousy about yourself and the situation, just like a heroin junkie. You might fight the monkey off your back for awhile, but you'll go through withdrawal. You feel like you need another hit to make yourself feel good. The cycle repeats.

You're going through the same chemical cycle a junkie does. Your brain reacts the same way. The only way you'll survive is if you realize you have a problem, go to rehab, and discover why you became a junkie to begin with (therapy and hard work).

[WhoMe51]

I am in therapy. I think I just got weak.  I am addicted to her and the drama.  Thanks for the encouragement.  I really appreciate it. 

[hope2727]

Sorry you had to experience that. I've done it too. They are our kryptonite. All we can do is put on foot in front of the other.

I think of it like a game of snakes and ladders. Roll the dice and see what you land on. Sometimes you climb a ladder toward recovery and peace. Sometimes you hit a snake and slide backwards. BUT... .even if you slide all the way back to the first square as long as you keep rolling and moving you will eventually get to the end of the board.

Hugs.

[GreenEyedMonster]

You are one step closer to associating this person with pain instead of pleasure.  Count that as a blessing.  I ran back toward my ex twice, thinking he would see the light and miss me.  Nope.  Both times it was like running toward an electric fence.  I knew when we first broke up that it would take a couple tries to break me of the addiction, and it did, but I can say that I no longer miss him at all.  Every time you run back and get hurt you learn a little more, get a little stronger . . .

[heartandwhole]

Hi WhoMe51,

When you fall down, you get back up, dust yourself off, and start again toward your goal. Your feelings and longings to stop the pain are very human and normal. Be gentle with yourself. These kinds of relationships can be very addictive, and just like giving up a drug, you will experience withdrawal symptoms, which can be just as potent as coming off heroin:

"WITHDRAWAL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms."

The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSW

Hang in there, WhoMe51, you will get through this. 

heartandwhole

[WhoMe51]

Hope2727

Thank you for your encouragement.  You are right about them being our kryptonite.  She is the one thing that I am drawn to but at the same time will destroy me.  It was nice to be back with her for the moment, but the great feeling was gone in just a matter of hours.  She began to bring up all the painful stuff that we had experienced.  She painted me out to be a horrible person, even though hours before she said she loved me and missed me.  I keep trying to make sense of this.  And I can't.  I know the only thing I can do is stay away.

Greeneyed,

You are right it is like running into an electric fence.  And I am hoping that this time will be different and I won't be shocked.  The outcome is the same every time.  I am getting stronger though.  I woke up this morning feeling okay.  In the past, I would sit in my pain for days trying to make sense of what happened.  And there is never an explanation for it.  The next time I am tempted to break nc, I am going to think of the electric fence. Thank you.

Heartandwhole,

I have fallen down so many times.  I have been to hours of therapy.  I fall down and I get back up.  I had been almost 3 weeks nc and I felt stronger.  I think I was fooling myself that because I felt stronger something might be different with us.  Things seemed to be fine, when I asked her a question about being with me.  That is when all hell broke loose.  I know it wasn't because I asked her a question.  I could have said the sky is blue and she would have went off on me about our past.  It is always just below the surface of things.  She may put on a loving and kind face, but inside there is nothing but rage.  I always fall for the sweet words that she says.  And I always find myself starting over.  But you are right, I need to be gentle with myself.  I need to give myself the acceptance that I give to her every time.  Thank you for your encouragement. 

[HarleypsychRN]

Who Me 51,

Trying to understand why we do the things we do is paramount in the disengaging process. Please forgive me for saying this but sleeping with her and then telling her you don't want her to contact you again... .really? What kind of a message are you sending and what are the dynamics behind that. Man, I know it's tough but if you want to be free is this the way to do it?

They are our drug, the attention and dynamics they give off meet our needs. Like they say in NA, "Keep doing what you're doing... .keep getting what you're getting".  Forgive me if this is harsh I'm speaking to myself as well as my fantasy that she will come back and things will be better... .they won't.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

[WhoMe51]

HarleypsychRN,

No she said that to me.  You miss read what I said.  I thought it was going to be different this time.  She told me not to contact her again and preceded to text me and tell me how horrible I was to her in the past.  All I did was ask her a question. 

[WoundedBibi]

Who Me 51,

Trying to understand why we do the things we do is paramount in the disengaging process. Please forgive me for saying this but sleeping with her and then telling her you don't want her to contact you again... .really? What kind of a message are you sending and what are the dynamics behind that. Man, I know it's tough but if you want to be free is this the way to do it?

They are our drug, the attention and dynamics they give off meet our needs. Like they say in NA, "Keep doing what you're doing... .keep getting what you're getting".  Forgive me if this is harsh I'm speaking to myself as well as my fantasy that she will come back and things will be better... .they won't.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

Actually as I read it, WhoMe51 sent A text today, and SHE sent back "don't contact me again". So she's giving the mixed messages. Although sleeping together of course wasn't the smartest thing to do and that was something both were involved in.

Dust yourself off WhoMe51, start again, and try to remember: if you are in a hole stop digging.

[WhoMe51]

I am not justifying sleeping with her.  I know that it was wrong.  I know that I have to start at this new place and figure out why I thought it would be different than before.  I got caught up in the emotions of seeing her.  I still love her and I miss her.  And that's okay.  I know these type of relationships are hard  to break free from.  I have read this on here many times.  How people struggle to let go because we loved them so deeply only to be discarded.  I was thinking how in my first post I said I felt ashamed of myself.  I don't think I feel ashamed, I feel disappointed in myself for going back.  I have been down this road so many times with her and yet I still miss her.  And that is something that I will continue to work on. 

[JerryRG]

My ex is NOTHING but trouble and going back to her was always a mistake. In my perfect world she would be different and we could have been together, I left her when I finally realized the cons outweighed the pros 9.9 to .1

Unfortunately we share custody of a 2 year old. Texting her the last couple of days reinforced my beliefs about her. She's nothing more than a child in an adult body. I do hope I see her for who she is so I can visualize the facts and stop trying to figure her out.

A good friend told me yesterday to try and understand my ex would result in my own madness. So true because that is precisely where I've been the last 4 years. I DO NOT want to be inside her head any longer, and the drug hit from sex isn't worth the price. She wasn't that good anyway.

She's was broken when I met her, I couldn't put those pieces together and she's still broken today. Bent on self destruction and self sabatage she will never be happy. That's certainly not the life I want. Drama, chaos, fake illnesses, control, lies, disrespect, on and on and damn she couldn't even cook that well. Lol

Sucks to be BPD, at least we can get better

Wanted to add one more thing, I couldn't help her but I did the best I could and maybe one day she will see this.

I need to stay away so she can learn on her own, if she survives or chooses to destroy herself is out of my hands, I never had that power to begin with.

I'm still angry that she's so emotionally ill but I cannot fix that either, I will not be a part of her life or responsible for her problems ever again. She is a victum of her own choices as long as I'm no longer trying to help

[HarleypsychRN]

HarleypsychRN,

No she said that to me.  You miss read what I said.  I thought it was going to be different this time.  She told me not to contact her again and preceded to text me and tell me how horrible I was to her in the past.  All I did was ask her a question. 

Man, that is one my ex-BPD used a lot... .you misunderstood what I meant in my text. Just another strategy they use to try and gaslight you, make you think you are the one with the problem. Mine was good at that until I caught her in so many lies, she finally left me in less than 12 hours, lock, stock and barrel.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown