New to Staying Board.

[Seeks]

 I've been reading the different boards trying to find a place to settle.  I think here may be the place for me.

I've been with my dBPDgf for five years now.  I have known about BPD for four years and  have done my homework both on BPD and my codependency issues.

Things have been going well for us with an absence of the large disregulations and rages of a few years ago.  She is now in her mid 30s and has matured some, and I have become better at engaging and/or disengaging from her.

We just ended our third attempt at living together ( The first time was when we got engaged) Each time it has resulted in her becoming engulfed and emotionally distancing herself from me.  At which point she starts sleeping on the couch more and more until it becomes her permanent bed.

At this time she also begins communicating with other men online.  This round it being a single man three states away that she met on a surrogate site (she is considering becoming a surrogate mom).  Looking at it I have doubts he is even who he says he is but that's another story.  Regardless they have become texting buddies, though she is not aware that I know  

She broke up with me about a month and a half ago and moved out two weeks ago.  :)uring the break up the only change was the sleeping arrangements and the discontinuance of our sex life.  Other than that we interacted and got along well,  unlike our previous break ups

While in the moving process, the last two nights she was here she slept in our bed.  And now that I have her moved I have been going there a few times a week to help get her settled and set up and help with her son.  He is a teenager that appears to also have BPD symptoms as well as developmental learning disabilities.

When I go to visit her I spend the night and we sleep in her bed together.  Slowly she has warmed back up and we had sex again a few nights ago.  She has even been talking about Thanksgiving together, skiing together in January with her son, and saving for Disneyland next summer.

Everything seems back to normal ( as normal is as normal was )  and our relationship seems to be back on track again.  So yesterday  while we were out on a walk I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend again. Her reply was that she was undecided.  And from there the dysregulation soon began  

In my next post I will talk about what happened and the questions I have.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

welcome to Staying Seeks.

good for you on doing your homework on BPD and codependency. 

you mentioned she was diagnosed, is she in treatment of any kind?

'ducks

[Seeks]

 No she is not in any treatment.

I found out about her diagnosis through a family member.  She is in denial and the few times I have tried to speak to her about it have not gone well.

She has self-esteem issues, and I can understand not wanting to be labeled mentally ill.

[babyducks]

Seeks

I understand how that conversation might not have gone over well.

Since there is a tremendous amount of information on this website I thought I would point out this link which might be helpful to you. 

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

This is from that link.

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders

For my partner is was the responsibility part that was hardest, she struggled to be responsible for that much of the relationship.   Which I can appreciate, I don't want to be responsible for 90% of the relationship either.   

'ducks

[Seeks]

 Thanks for the info Ducks

The first time we had the BPD talk was a meet up after three months of NC. She was wanting to recycle and I was wanting to let her have it with both barrels over all the things I had kept pent-up during our relationship.  Yes as you can imagine it did not go well,  and at that time I wasn't concerned.  Two weeks later she calmed down and tried again.

That was a turning point for us because the proverbial BPD cat was out of the bag.  She knew that I knew.  From that point on I didn't try to push it but instead immersed myself in learning about the disorder.  We have had a few blowups when she has found reading material or  evidence of what I had been doing online. This has resulted in defensive strikes and her calling me a narcissist and mentally ill.

My GF sees nothing wrong with herself.  And I honestly have not found a way to broach this to get her to consider therapy.  I once got her in under the guise of premarital counseling.  After two sessions I was unable to get her to return. She is plagued with trust issues, and with me being in a relationship with her, that is exasperated.  Much so to the point that she projects or alters reality to align with her feelings.

And that will be the subject of my next post.