My BPDw sent me this letter. What advice do you give?

[ArleighBurke]

I feel a little bit like I'm betraying my wife's trust by posting this letter on-line. If she ever found out it would really hurt her. But I really want other's opinions.

The letter is here word-for word. I've added explaination text in (red). My wife is high functioning, and I think this letter is from a position of temporary stability... .



So this may be a rambling email or lots of thoughts  - try to track it emotionally rather than go to logical fix it.

I don't know how to live with me. The more I learn about damage, brains, reactions and life long impacts, the more despondent I get. I always go through how much better life would be for everyone without me in it. I don't accept love is enough to change the impact having me around has. (She reads internet stuff herself - but she is focussed on PTSD, she has no idea about BPD. Her PTSD is from witnessing abuse from her father to her mother growing up).

Managing my stressors on a daily basis is exhausting and I am failing. It seems as time goes on there are more and more things that I struggle to deal with. Mess, noise, smells, change. I see every facial expression (from me I think) as a threat, anger, disapproval and every word I hear reinforces this. I have to admit, I prefer living with the passive aggressive (what she calls me when I was co-dependent, before I learnt about BPD and changed my interations with her) - although it was isolating, it had a lot less threat than what it is now. I hear you grump at the kids - mostly deserving and my heart goes into my throat cause I am frightened for me and for them. (I'm guessing because me being assertive triggers bad memories about her abusive dad) I can rationalise all this but it doesn't change what comes up.

I see the kids worry and care for me - in a way I wish they didn't have to. They talk about my headaches, my day, the noise. My ___ and worrying for me is so ingrained in them in a way I wish it wasn't. Yes, there is a side that is healthy, builds their understanding and sensitivity, but I wish they didn't learn that from me. I don't want them thinking of me in this light when they are grown, but I know they will. (I have also been trying to teach the kids about mum - explaining that mum gets headaches, that she needs time alone just to unwind, that sometimes she feels scared for apparent reason. kids are 12/9/6)

I can't work harder than I am, but it isn't getting easier. I know work. It is safe. It is structured and gives me a temporary relief. The words I say, the care I give, the calmness and gentleness is soothing for me. (She loves work. Enjoys going there - is good at her job and gets lots of validation. is currently working 10hrs days most of teh week) Then I come home and I jump on guard. (She has always talked about being "on edge" around me. Every since we were first married 15yrs ago. She knew it was because her dad often came home and if things weren't perfect then hell would pay. not me at all. If anything I tell wife off for doing too much in a day and not taking care of herself) I am so shaken by the changes in our relationship. The changes in you. For me it is a threat to me and the kids. I understand you needed different ways, but I can't change how I feel about it. (3yrs ago I learnt about BPD, and stopped being co-dependent. She probably feels that I'm more emotionally distant now and I don't accept blame for her feelings anymore. I've also started talking about the things I want in life - socialness, friends, doing stuff - things that we've not really done in the last 10yrs because they make her feel anxious. )


I want to relax and live, but I just can't work it out. I can't work out how to be a mum and wife and worker and housekeeper and person. There is too much and I can't shut out the ___ in my head. I think about all of this every day. There is not one day I don't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish to be able to breath and relax. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish I knew how to laugh and not worry. (She's been seeing a psych for PTSD for the past 8+yrs. We had marriage counselling 2 months back where the (BPD specialist) counsellor told her that he's not helping, and gave her a list of psychs who specialised in what she had. She hasn't called any of them.)

And for me, I don't know an answer. I don't want you to point out my flaws, just hear me. It doesn't change that I love you. (She's told me that I've started 'pointing out her flaws'. I thought I was 'accepting her as is', by recognising her anxieties and limitations, and not trying to change her - but obviously by talking about her issues i am 'highlighting' them.)

love uBPDw




So - thoughts? It sounds like she is aware of herself, and I know that i can support her. I do try to accept her as is, but I need to be more 'discrete' about it. Perhaps I just need to ramp up telling her she's OK, an OK person. I SOO want to discuss BPD with her - I figure as high functioning she'd be able to take it - but all advise I read EVERYWHERE says not to. how can I encourage her to go to a good psych?

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Freeatlast_1]

Well my situation is different as it was a GF not a wife. When she was in 'normal' mode, I told her I think she has a disorder called BPD and I showed her the criteria online on the DSMIV and I was asking her if she fit them. She fit them all. Then we looked at eachother and laughed about it, and moved on to having dinner. Next day I got resources for her to start DBT, which she refused, as she does not want that to influence her work, in case anyone ever finds out. So until this day, and we split a month ago, she remains untreated.

So... .it's easy to face her with it if you got the DSM IV to back you and having her in a 'good mood' first. The challenge is would she accept treatment... .

Your wife sounds like a BPD from her letter, she is definitely struggling all the time. Therapy will help her first to be in peace with herself, and of course your r/s as well. You should consider coming on to her from the perspective of a concerned husband that wants her to be happy with herself.

Good luck

[Hope12345]

Tell her you hear her, love her, and will remain by her side BUT listen to what she is saying and do not offer advice or input at this time.  She is trying to share her feelings and is specifically asking you to not try to fix it or "help" like us guys so often want to do.

I agree that it sounds like she is becoming more aware of herself.  That is a pivotal point when the BPD "wakes up" and starts to see it isn't everyone else, but themselves. 

Support... .validate... .but do not attempt to solve it for her by making suggestions or offering info about BPD at this time.  MC often beats it into us guys that sometimes the woman just wants you to listen and not try to take control by offering them advice.  This is definitely one of those times and she even goes so far as to spell it out more than once.  She will perceive advice as proof that you don't listen and she will feel even more isolated.

Its tough, I know.  We feel like the solution is right there and we just need to point it out to them, but that is us thinking logically... .not necessarily correctly.  If anything, find comfort in knowing she is becoming more aware of herself and many with BPD, as we read on this board, have yet to progress even that far, and some never will.

When my BPDw reached this point, the fear of abandonment was HUGE.  It helps to just remind them you are there and not going anywhere.  She might already be reading about BPD or will probably be more open to consider it, just don't respond with it now.

[formflier]

And for me, I don't know an answer. I don't want you to point out my flaws, just hear me. It doesn't change that I love you.

Great letter... .great post.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Focus on this line.  There are lots of things to hear and validate.  She is doing her best... and doesn't feel it is enough. 

What can you do/say to validate that?

I see lots of ways that you can "get on her side" with this.

I suggest you ignore her statements about "changes in you"... .that can lead to "why" you changed.  Don't go there.

Maybe there is a way you can agree that your role is to support... .not to fix or advise.  That role is for others... .(psychs etc)

Straight up ask her... .how can I be supportive of you and your treatment?  That you want to encourage her... not fix her... .

Thoughts?

FF

[walbsy7]

Wow that letter is an amazing start for you. I only wish my uBPDw can muster up the courage/strength/realization/etc to put herself into "perspective" and talk to me about her true feelings, emotions, and pain. I agree with everything formflier has said, and I have gotten amazing advice from him in the past. I would NOT mention BPD, but I would stress FULL SUPPORT and assure her that you are never leaving her (aids against fear of abandonment). I would put the ball in her court (since it always is, lets her be in control, and she seems to currently have momentum towards reaching out for help as it is), and ask her if there is anything you can do to help her. Validate her feelings, and depending on how the converstaion is going, depending on if she is dysregulating, maybe offer help on getting her a therapist to begin sifting through the layers and layers of her life in the hopes she lives a happier and healthier life. Let the therapist make the diagnosis. It is all well and good that we can see she is mentally ill, but it is not our place to say anything. We are also not "able" to do this since we do not have the "knowledge" in the grand scheme of things. I would just support her and offer your help in ANY way she wishes.

good luck

[joshbjoshb]

Wow! All I can say is that many people on this board will make a party the day they receive such a letter from their spouse!

My letters are full of blaming me for the world's problem and why I am the source of all issues

In any case, the fact she can realize what's going inside her is AMAZING. You have to really appreciate that.

Now you need to ask yourself what is it in your relationship you would like to improve. Set goals and discuss with her. She seems to be able to understand.

[Wrongturn1]

Wow, this could have pretty much been written by my uBPDw, even down to the issues around witnessing father-to-mother abuse as a child.

Some here have suggested things like asking how you can support her and her treatment or discussing relationship goals with her.  I would advise against this and suggest validation and support as your ONLY response.  Maybe statements like, "thank you for sharing this with me; I'm always interested to hear how you are feeling because you are very important to me; I hear that you are really struggling in a lot of areas and that must be incredibly difficult for you; I will always be here for you to help you through these times in the ways that I can".  Encouraging talk like that, but steer clear of anything that smells remotely like problem solving or fixing.

Additionally, I am hearing some attacks by your wife on your lack of codependence, and I implore you to keep your boundaries strong and do not let her manipulate you into walking on eggshells again.

Good letter, though.  That's encouraging that she is that self-aware... .perhaps a step in the direction toward BPD treatment. 

[ArleighBurke]

That you all for your responses. I must admit they were all much more positive than I was expecting!

Just so you know, I DID say that she wrote this in a stable moment for her. Normally she IS blaming ME for all her problems.

Is this one of those rare insights where it appears the BPD is fully aware of what they are doing? There have been other such posts on this forum. Or is this just her telling me what she knows I want to hear?

I believe that she IS aware. But then the question is: when she loses control of her emotions and blames me, then calms down, why can't she apologise? I read this www.anythingtostopthepain.com/20-rules-for-understanding-BPD/ a few days back that explained that admitting fault was close to dying - so it'll never happen.

[losingthewill]

I wish there were more glimpses into their thoughts and minds available. Every time I read anything like this I get cold chills and I can see why my girlfriend does the things that she does and feels the way that she feels. I will never understand how she feels, but things like this help me put things together and understand her behaviors and actions.

Thank you for sharing.

[waverider]

I think our role is to 'support" rather than "lead". To be led is to relinquish control. Lack of control is what they fear. High function pwBPD hide behind structure, such as the workplace to avoid the chaos. Home with family and its unpredictable mulitasking is chaos, and it mirrors that inner emotional chaos the are trying to hide from. Throw into this mix you are trying to bring out her inner chaos to shed some light on it and it is overwhelming. This leads to anxiety, discomfort and fears.

I discuss the order openly with my wife, but only when she brings up issues and wants my opinion. I never open with it. This reduces her fears and defensiveness and increases her willingness to talk about these things when she is good and ready. Even then I try not to expand too much.

[formflier]

 

Don't overthink the letter... .

She wrote it based on what she felt at that MOMENT... .those moment's pass and she will feel differently.

One goal from bpdfamily is to teach nons how to stabilize a r/s... .so that the moments don't shift so often.

Don't overthink... .

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I'd love to have any form of letter from BPDh where he discussed his feelings. I have yet to have ANY written correspondence from him, and he knows I'd love that. He also shared with me that he's written a long, heartfelt letter to his adopted(mean, angry, selfish) daughter. It's so nice knowing that underserving people get what I'd treasure.

It's nice that your wife has a growing degree of self knowledge, and she doesn't just blame YOU. That is what I'm struggling with, still. BPDh won't take any responsibility, and he still wants to blame so much on me. When I ask him how he feels about anything serious, he says he "doesn't know". What a crock. I think he does know, he just doesn't want to share. I mean, he knows how he feels when he's raging, or tearing me down.

If your wife is communicating, that is progress? I'd kill for some simple communication.