Want/Need to stop financially supporting BPD Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother is not officially diagnosed but is a classic BPD. She is 72 years old. I am 43. I am a psychologist and have been through therapy so am emotionally in a super healthy place (not to say she doesn't cause me stress bc she does!). There is no doubt about her diagnosis.

My mother has been a destructive force my entire life though things became markedly worse when my parents divorced when I was 14. From that point on she became unhinged. There was terrible emotional neglect (I basically raised my self and my younger brother from that point on, no exaggeration), horrible manipulation (told us terrible things about our father which resulted in us not speaking with him for 5 years, him missing my wedding, etc), and constant drama (her falling outs with friends, neighbors, her numerous failed romantic relationship, lying to us, labile extreme emotions ranging from anger to guilt to anxiety, making my brother and I feel terribly about so many things, so many arguments, etc, etc.). I could go on and on, but reading through this board, you all know the drill.

Things got even worse when she lost all her money. A decade or so ago she invested with yet another fiancee of hers, despite asking us 1) if we would invest with him (no!) and 2) if she should invest her money. Despite us imploring her not to, and her promising us she wouldn't, she invested everything anyway. Within a year he lost all of her money in a Ponzi scheme and was sent to federal prison.

My husband and I have been 100% financially supporting her ever since with an automatic monthly payment (out of duty? guilt? manipulation? obligation?). My brother never had the means to financially help but lives in the same state as her so helped by seeing her more often than us, taking her shopping, etc. We each had our burden to bear dealing with her. Through the years we've asked her to help contribute money, to work in some capacity. She always had an excuse as to why she can't work and help (always some vague but horrible health issue). We know she isn't honest with us about how much money she needs and we are sure we've been terribly manipulated by her. Our relationship is distant, superficial and has very strong boundaries which is stressful at times but is the best I can do. And I am at peace with that. Now what I really need to do is to stop supporting her for various financial reasons including having to save for our own children and our own retirement. We literally spend around 30k on her a year (tax free for her!). And it just can't go on. Merely telling her we had to reduce her lifestyle by moving her from a large house into an apartment a year ago sent her into a breakdown. This past month we told her we need to reduce the amount of money we give her each month and she raged and pulled out the guilt how she can't live without our help, her medical issues, etc. Exhausting and stressful to say the least.

Any advice on how to take this next step and stop paying her money all together? We really can't do this anymore and I'm not sure how somehow it's become on me to totally support her. She was and is a horrible mother for whom I have emotionally grieved and have moved on from. It sounds awful but you all hopefully understand. I am so emotionally detached from her at this point I would be thrilled to just not have her in my life in any way. I just want her to go away and not burden me anymore in any way. I ask myself, why do I have to drown along with her? I have decided that I don't. But I'm looking for validation on this decision from people who understand and also concrete advice on how to make it happen. And what if she does become homeless at 72 years old? Or hurts herself because of this? By enabling her for so long is this now my responsibility?

I really appreciate your time reading this long first post :-)

[Hello16]

My mother is not officially diagnosed but is a classic BPD. She is 72 years old. I am 43. I am a psychologist and have been through therapy so am emotionally in a super healthy place (not to say she doesn't cause me stress bc she does!). There is no doubt about her diagnosis.

My mother has been a destructive force my entire life though things became markedly worse when my parents divorced when I was 14. From that point on she became unhinged. There was terrible emotional neglect (I basically raised my self and my younger brother from that point on, no exaggeration), horrible manipulation (told us terrible things about our father which resulted in us not speaking with him for 5 years, him missing my wedding, etc), and constant drama (her falling outs with friends, neighbors, her numerous failed romantic relationship, lying to us, labile extreme emotions ranging from anger to guilt to anxiety, making my brother and I feel terribly about so many things, so many arguments, etc, etc.). I could go on and on, but reading through this board, you all know the drill.

Things got even worse when she lost all her money. A decade or so ago she invested with yet another fiancee of hers, despite asking us 1) if we would invest with him (no!) and 2) if she should invest her money. Despite us imploring her not to, and her promising us she wouldn't, she invested everything anyway. Within a year he lost all of her money in a Ponzi scheme and was sent to federal prison.

My husband and I have been 100% financially supporting her ever since with an automatic monthly payment (out of duty? guilt? manipulation? obligation?). My brother never had the means to financially help but lives in the same state as her so helped by seeing her more often than us, taking her shopping, etc. We each had our burden to bear dealing with her. Through the years we've asked her to help contribute money, to work in some capacity. She always had an excuse as to why she can't work and help (always some vague but horrible health issue). We know she isn't honest with us about how much money she needs and we are sure we've been terribly manipulated by her. Our relationship is distant, superficial and has very strong boundaries which is stressful at times but is the best I can do. And I am at peace with that. Now what I really need to do is to stop supporting her for various financial reasons including having to save for our own children and our own retirement. We literally spend around 30k on her a year (tax free for her!). And it just can't go on. Merely telling her we had to reduce her lifestyle by moving her from a large house into an apartment a year ago sent her into a breakdown. This past month we told her we need to reduce the amount of money we give her each month and she raged and pulled out the guilt how she can't live without our help, her medical issues, etc. Exhausting and stressful to say the least.

Any advice on how to take this next step and stop paying her money all together? We really can't do this anymore and I'm not sure how somehow it's become on me to totally support her. She was and is a horrible mother for whom I have emotionally grieved and have moved on from. It sounds awful but you all hopefully understand. I am so emotionally detached from her at this point I would be thrilled to just not have her in my life in any way. I just want her to go away and not burden me anymore in any way. I ask myself, why do I have to drown along with her? I have decided that I don't. But I'm looking for validation on this decision from people who understand and also concrete advice on how to make it happen. And what if she does become homeless at 72 years old? Or hurts herself because of this? By enabling her for so long is this now my responsibility?

I really appreciate your time reading this long first post :-)

[seekinglight]

I am sorry you had such a rough go of it.

What I would is have your local brother seek out low income senior housing and place her name on the list. We have 250 units connected to our church. The cost is 1/3 of whatever income you have, your mother's income not your gifts.

Make sure she is drawing the social security she is allowed, and give her an end date of your support. If you wish cut it each month until zero but I would go in six months you are not sending anymore.

As you know now your mom has no reason to be self sufficient because there is no penalty. No consequences means nothing will change. She will not change so the only way out is for you to stop.

Of course there will be meltdowns and raging, she is ill and living off you. But life still sucks with your money, so what is really lost?

I truly hope you can bring yourself to say the free ride is over.

[Hello16]

Thank you so much for replying to my post. It is so nice to be able to hear back from people who understand BPD (it's all so crazy, the rest of the world wouldn't understand so it's like a stressful dirty secret always being kept, the difficult situations in which we find ourselves). Everything you said makes good sense and helps me feel empowered to do what I know in my heart needs to be done for many reasons, mainly my own immediate family's well being.

I really appreciate the support!

[Confused#2]

Hello Hello 16

I think that Seekinglight has some good advice. I would also suggest checking with her local social services as well as the church (if any) that she attends. Social services may have a division that works with seniors needing help and/or those that are considered "vulnerable adults".  Probably not much help in southern states since they seems to have almost nothing for social services.  I do not think that you have to keep financing her lifestyle but I think you would feel better if the withdrawal of financial help was planned out in writing , giving her a time line to regroup although she probably will not utilize the time correctly.  If she has other relatives (sibs,etc) they may help or at least understand what you are doing if explained up front. Good luck. I worry about my older sister who is very unable to care for herself. If her husband dies first who in the hell is going to step up for her?

[Turkish]

Agree with the others, and in a way I'm still going through this. The only way to change things is to change them...

I didn't support my mom like you are doing, nor does she demand it, but I've spent money in the past which I realized in retrospect was enablng rather than helping. The $2k in rooffing materials I gave her a few years ago because she had "someone lined up to do it" that month was the best example. The wood and roofing materials rots in the yard to this day. Money to have her go through probate 10 years ago to clear the properties from her dead husband, hundreds on a water bill, Electric, money to rebuild the engine of the truck I gave her which she blew by refusing to learn how to use the 4WD properly, back property taxes... .and other things...

It's hard to balance this, or to understand what our roles may be with a disordered parent who is also beset by old age. Sometimes it needs to be forced by circumstances. My mom s a Hermit-Waif. Your mt her seems to have more Queen-like entitlements. Boundaries can work in whatever instance. The guilt or FOG coming from their side can be hard to deal with, but with consistent boundaries, it can fade.

Have you seen this?

What it means to be lost in the FOG

[Hello16]

Thanks again for your posts. I haven't seen that article about the FOG yet but plan on reading it as soon as possible. It looks very interesting.

I actually got an email last night from my mother blaming us for her situation and expressing how she won't be able to live without our support and how her biggest mistake was trusting us when we said 10 years ago that we'd always take care of her (financially supporting her 100% in perpetuity wasn't what we said or meant at all). It was an email full of anger, sadness, and guilt inducing, distorted venom, Anyway, the good news is that I felt totally detached from it, knowing I was reading the email of a sick person. Still doesn't make the situation go away or make it any more simple. What a sad, crazy shame it all is. Sigh.

[busybee1116]

My in-laws actually hired a private investigator to find out exactly what a BPD relative they were supporting was up to. Turns out she had subsidized housing, utilities and transportation, free healthcare... .and did not need their money! Years of lies. So they felt much better cutting down her stipend in stages and ultimately off. They did not confront her with what they knew, just told her they were no longer able to afford supporting her, laid out the plan to reduce/stop and assured her they were still concerned for her welfare and would keep in touch--which they did. It caused fallout, but they were comfortable knowing she was safe and supported, no matter what she said! Good luck to you and your brother. Boundaries are so hard.