Checking in

[non_stuck]

Hello,

I got an email asking me to check in, and see if I can help others.

Well, my brother-in-law and his BPD fiancee planned two different destination wedding scenarios. Then, they decided to get married with two weeks notice on the same weekend my parents in-law and I were planning a weekend get away with just the four of us. Those plans were in place for nine months and had to be cancelled. I didn't react. My husband was angry, but I told him that this BPD sister-in-law would always be selfish. I said, "Your brother has a mental disability and will always do whatever she wants. She has a personality disorder, and will usually act like a 5 year old. If we expect her to act like a grown up or to be considerate, we will always be frustrated when we have to deal with her."  They were having the wedding where they live, so we didn't have to travel. We don't know whether or not she found out about our travel plans and did this o purpose or she was just being inconsiderate. In any case she could no longer continue to send us emails informing us that we would be flying to the the destination of her latest fantasy. Before the wedding, I went to the hair salon with her to pay for her hair styling since my husband's sister had done that for me on my wedding day. BPD S-I-L  didn't know I could hear her talking with the stylist. She lied and said 60 people were coming to the wedding. Her whole family flew in. They had a special designer cake inspired by a magazine. The truth is nobody from her family came. One person who runs a social club where the couple met came to take pictures for the group's Facebook page. Everyone else was from our family, so there was a total of 9 people at the wedding. There was no fancy reception. The cake was a regular white cake from a bakery. We went to a nice restaurant and had dinner with tables pushed together in the dining room.

Before the wedding, I had a talk with my mother-in-law and told her that I am still going to take care of myself and I'm not going to spend time with BPD S-I-L because she lies to me. I told her that I have myself been in abusive relationships and cannot handle all of the victim talk. I did not use the term BPD, but I did say "abandonment issues."

I kept my mouth shut the day of the wedding and sat through the dinner. When my husband's sister said on the way home that it was so sad that the bride had only one friend there and no family, I kept my mouth shut. The bride had lived in the city where she was married for almost 5 years. She's had time to make friends.

Last year, before the engagement, at my in-law's 50th anniversary dinner, the BPD girlfriend mentioned to my M-I-L that she was born at such-and-so hospital in such-and-so city - in the same state where my husband’s family lives. Supposedly, her father was “in law school” at the time (she told me her dad was a doctor.)  Lo and behold - the city where she claimed she was born was the very city and the very same hospital where my mother-in-law was born. They both squealed with delight.  The girlfriend exclaimed, “It’s like this is all meant to be!” I was seething, but didn’t want to spoil the anniversary dinner.  I thought that was another BS story meant to make it seem that there was a special spiritual connection. So time passes, and after the wedding of BPD fiance to my B-I-L , my father-in-law spilled a drink on the envelope the marriage certificate came in, and he pulled the certificate out so that it wouldn’t get wet. I saw the marriage certificate, which required a birth certificate was shown in order to obtain the license. While I don’t want to give specifics, The bride's state of birth is 1,000 miles away from the hospital where my mother-in-law was born. As I suspected,she had stooped so low as to research my mother-in-law and find out the name of the hospital where she was born so that she could drop that lie into conversation at her 50th Anniversary dinner. You can’t even say it was impulsive. It was creepy attention-seeking and plotted. I told my husband that I wouldn't say anything to anyone else and get through the day, but he needed to look at the certificate.

I feel better since they got married because at least the planning is over and I don't have to dread it. So far, I haven't been sucked in. Hearing the lies the bride told the stylist was helpful. Her lies aren't personal. She doesn't think I'm stupid. She didn't think the stylist was stupid. She just creates scenarios that make her feel good at the moment. It's pathetic. I tell myself , "I have to get through Christmas with her once this year, but I don't have to rehearse being miserable in my head."

Wishing you all peace and wisdom  . . .

My only advice is keep your expectations of these people low. Set your limits.

So I have stuck to my guns and stayed away from her as much as possible. My mother-in-law is starting to hide one-on-one visits with my husband's sister from her new D-I-L. I suppose it's because she knows that she expects to be invited to everything and takes offense. When I hear my M-I-L wants time with her daughter, I don't take offense, so they don't tip toe around me.

[Turkish]

I used to have a friend like this in high school. He wasn't BPD, but he would tell lies so outlandish that in looking back, I wonder why we ever believed them. My T said that there was a term for this. I need to ask him again and write it down... .The lies were similar to the [creepy] lie about your SIL's birthplace. You would share something with my friend, and all of a sudden, he had a similar hobby, "toy" or acquaintance connection.

In Understanding The Borderline Mother, Lawson writes that for a pwBPD lying "... .feels essential for survival." Your SIL can get away with a lot, and she probably has over the years, because she isn't exposed. Maybe she gets exposed, but then she moves on to a new social circle. There is no reason why the hairdresser couldn't know the truth. The other explanation is that SIL actually believes what she is saying at the time. Though it might feel good at the time to call her out, it's likely not to change her or anything about her distorted world-view.

My old friend couldn't understand why people were mad at him for telling his "fibs" as he put them.

My BPD mother couldn't understand why blowing $5,000--- just about the amount she owed the county in back property taxes which caught up to her 8 years later--- on some get-rich quick scheme leaning to trade commodities was a bad idea. Similarly, my mother couldn't understand why I didn't walk away from a well-paying 20 year career to go to school full time, never mind me making twice my Ex, supporting two little kids and paying a mortgage. I'm kind of a failure because I never fit her model of success.

My Ex couldn't understand why I was emotionally distraught while she was still living with me and conducting a relationship outside of our home away from me and the kids (it felt like she wanted me to be happy for her).

My T told me, "I sense a lot of your anger stems from expecting her to be who she is not." Radical acceptance. Like you, I stay away. With my mom, I don't get involved with whatever dysfunctional people she happens to bring into her lives.

It's too bad that the family is tip-toeing around this person. That you chose to have a strong boundary of limited contact is probably best for your mental health.

[Kwamina]

Hi non_stuck

Welcome back and thanks for this update.

It seems you've come a long way in mastering the art of staying calm and not getting involved in the drama  Good for you!

My only advice is keep your expectations of these people low. Set your limits.

Having realistic expectations is very important. It is unfortunate that BPD causes so many problems in the lives of people with this disorder and their family-members, but to deal with this reality it really helps to be prepared. And a good preparation requires expectations that are based in reality. Your comments in many ways tie in to the concept of radical acceptance. BPD presents us with a harsh reality and there are various ways to deal with that. You could stay in denial and/or try to make your reality into something it is not. Or you could despite all your past experiences keep holding on to the idea of your 'fantasy' family-member you never had and unfortunately might never have. Or you could radically accept reality as it is, as hard as it may be. Only after radical acceptance of the current reality is it possible to make radical changes in your life. Radical change requires radical acceptance.

Your comments about setting limits are also very valuable. Boundaries/limits are very important to protect our own well-being. Regardless of whether the other person changes or not, by changing our own behavior (for instance by setting and enforcing boundaries), we can change the dynamics of our relationships with people.

Wishing you all peace and wisdom  . . .

Wishing you peace too  Thanks for sharing your insights.

[non_stuck]

Thanks for the feedback. Yep, acceptance is the key. All of my anxiety just hurt me.