Hi everyone-I am new to the boards.

[Chrissie]

I believe my mother meets the criteria of BPD or NPD but aren't there traits of both in each disorder?

I only in the last 2 years truly understand her impression of me is not me, not who I am or represent, it's my mothers view as she sees me through her very shattered lens, but as a middle aged woman, I feel that I have so much of life to catch up on as I am beginning to see ME and see HER as a broken, evil, pathetic and tortured woman. I don't really feel sorry for her, I just want nothing to do with her again. I was estranged from her for 5 years having had no intention of ever reconciling with her again. Two years ago, she reached out and because I was feeling like I was in an emotionally good place I took it slowly. I established boundaries which I don't think she has even picked up on and saw her very infrequently, as in only when I had to and rarely called her, certainly never to catch up since we never had a relationship like that.

Isn't it the strangest 'feeling' to look at a woman who gave birth to you and know that she hasn't a clue about who you are and feel the hatred she feels for you even though she is trying not to show it in her eyes when she looks at you?

I'm happy to meet you all follow travellers. I have a story that happened yesterday which has ended my contact with her for good this time. I will speak of that a little later. I wanted to introduce myself.       

[Kwamina]

Hi Chrissie

Thanks for the introduction! I’m the child of an uBPD mom so I can relate to your story. And you're right about how BPD’s and NPD’s can have certain traits in common. It can be quite hard to break free from the worldview a BPD/NPD parent imposes on her child. You’ve taken some significant steps in that direction by realizing that her view of you isn’t a reflection of who you really are, just a reflection of who your mother thinks you are. In fact it may not even be that your mother really thinks this is who you are but more that this is who she needs you to be so she can project certain negative aspects onto you. When you feel ready, you can share more of your story. You indeed are not alone on here and will encounter many fellow travelers on a journey towards healing our inner wounds  

[scallops]

Dear Chrissie

I want to welcome you to the bpdfamily. I am glad you found us here. This site has helped me so much and it is probably becuase the members here really understand this disorder and can offer some good advise when I am struggling with my dd16. I am sorry you have been struggling with your mother. I have posted some links at the bottom of this post for you to read. I encourage you to read the articles and workshops here... . very helpful. Please post more when you are up to it. The healing board is a good place for that or you can add to this thread. I look frorward to reading more from you.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively affect everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.


Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

[Chrissie]

Thank you Kwamina and Scallops for the warm welcome!

Kwamina, you mentioned that my mother may see me as she 'needs' to see me as opposed to how she sees me... . This is interesting, thank you for the insight. I will have more time to get into my story over the weekend.

Scallops, thanks for taking the time to dig up those links for me. I look forward to looking through them.

I'm sorry for what you have all been through yourselves. I wouldn't wish having a BPD in ones life to anyone, except maybe my mother. How would that work I wonder? LOL. I look forward to being with you all that really, really get what I have experienced. I am so sick of others just thinking my mother is a difficult person and that I must have some responsibility for her reactions. God knows they can certainly turn up the charm when needed and make the most sane of the sane appear to be whack jobs.

Thanks again.

[Chrissie]

Oh... . Scallop I neglected to mention-yes the family dynamic is seriously affected. I no longer have a relationship with my only sibling/brother who is becoming more and more like my mother.

My Dad, with whom I had a very close relationship with passed away of a heart attack 18 years ago. (A family friend of there's once said "Your mother took 10 years off your Dad's life) I have 4 nieces aged 10-17 and only the 10 year old wants a relationship with me because of my brother and SIL's interference. Now, if you didn't have life experience with BPD, wouldn't you think I sound like the one who has the problems? 

[Joseph54]

Hi Chrissie,

I have a relationship with my sister now that Mom has passed away. I was fortunate that my sister was willing to listen to me shortly before mom died and realized the way mom had treated me was wrong.

I had realized she was evil just prior to Dad's passing.

It felt great to see her for who she really was and not question or blame myself any longer.

I have not been able to rectify the relationship with my brother, which is ok as he has a poor opinion of me. I do not need to prove anything to him. I know who I am and many people in my community which is located in the opposite side of the country I grew up in love and respect me.

I believe the benefit of it all is the great compassion I have for others due to my upbringing and how it has made me special and unique.

Thanks for sharing.

Joe

[Chrissie]

Joe, I'm happy to hear that you were able to find a relationship with your sister. I have tried to maintain some sort of a relationship with my brother for the last 18 years (since he got married) but in looking back, we have been NC for as long as 5 years at some points. Two years, three years etc, so a lot of off time. It's ridiculous to me know-I don't have the energy or bother anymore. It's just more of the same, it's just a matter of time when it goes south I have learned. He likes to tilt the bottle and suffers from depression. He  takes medication, but drinking while taking anti-depressants crosses out the benefit of the medication. He has admittedly been terribly affected by my mother although he was the 'favourite.' Sometimes I wonder what the heck he's talking about but I think she put a lot of pressure on him to succeed which he did academically and has professionally. I'm not sure why he has taken to hating me. Maybe because I am sober 9 years, am not married and don't have children. i don't know. I do find that i am happier when I am NC with him although I miss having my my nieces in my life.

I understand your feelings about your brother Joe. I too feel the same about my brother. I don't know what he's thinking-heck, I don't think he's clear on what he's thinking.I don't want any of that in my life anymore.     

[Chrissie]

Hi BabeR- Interesting that you mention that you feel your mother loves you albeit in her limited way. I think I know that also, but at the same time I don't think my mother knows what love really is, or how it feels to love someone, even her own child. About 5 years ago she told me while literally foaming at the mouth, blamed me on the hard labour she went through giving birth to me and that I DID to her on purpose... . Yea, right.

I am 53, not married (I was 20 years ago for a short time) and no children. I know she resents me for not being married. For some reason I think she believes that me being married would be a badge of honour for her, like she did something right. My mother is 78.

Yesterday, she picked me up on her way to her club where she plays bridge 3 times a week. I am self employed and had a disastrous 2013 financially. I usually rent cars when I need them, but I asked her if I could borrow her car to go to the hospital where I had a basal cell removed. I know she felt terribly put out by having to pick me up 4 blocks away from where she lives and not have her car in the club parking lot while she played. I could tell by her face when she picked me up that she was angry (she usually is) We started talking about my niece graduating high school in a few weeks. she will be going to her graduation, I wasn't invited. Then I asked her about a court case my brother is involved in (he's a lawyer) She told me to shut up twice within 5 minutes. I realized that when she is being herself I can't say anything w/o pissing her off. I flipped out and told her not to tell me to shut up, that she is an angry miserable woman and that I am done with her. As usual, her comment was to stop yelling, that people were looking at us. Ha! she was driving, no one was looking at us while they were driving by. Then she told me that if I didn't stop, she was going to punch me in the face. I mean really... . who needs it. It's always been this way.     

[BabeRuthless]

Chrissie: Welcome to the boards! Glad you found your way here. I am new here, too, and a middle-aged woman with no kids and have a uBPD mother... .  and sometimes feel others think it's ME with the problem. You're not alone!ur

I felt sad reading description of your mother as the woman who gave birth to you but looks at you with hatred. My uBPD mother loves me, I believe, in the very limited way that she can; when she looks at me, I feel that she is seeing herself -- and drowning in sadness and fear -- and not seeing me.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.