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Author Topic: Accusing thoughts -any help to try and stop them?  (Read 535 times)
wundress
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« on: November 18, 2015, 04:22:07 PM »

Due to my pwBPD telling me lots lies over the past fww months I now find it hard to believe much that she says. I also find myself thinking accusing thoughts which I struggle to keep from projecting onto her.

For example I question how long it took her to get somewhere and assumr that because it took longer than expected then she must be lying. Or she has already arranged something prior to discussing it with so the discussion with me was really only an after thought.

The list such thoughts is endless and I get myself in an anxious state. I've tried mindfulness and distraction techniques with very little success.

Any tips please?
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2015, 07:47:31 PM »

wundress: if she's lied so much, it will certainly be difficult to trust her. That's to be expected. Of course you will second guess everything she says and does.

You say you're anxious now, about what? What if she IS lying - why does that matter to you? Are you scared she'll leave, or worried she's doing something behind your back? What is the impact of her lying?

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wundress
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2015, 02:11:57 AM »

She's already living somewhere else. I don't know why it matters to me apart from that it hurts. I had thought she was having an affair but rationally I know she's not because she doesn't want anyone not me, not family, not friends and certainly not an affair.

I'm an anxious person anyway and do tend to question people's motives due to low self esteem so some of it is just my issues. But lying awake at night or waking up worrying and thinking these thoughts is getting me down. And I can't seem to rationalise.

I'm worried she will get herself into trouble and also that she will have told so many lies that when she comes out of this particular crisis she will struggle to trust herself. I'm worried she will think that I won't want her anymore because in my heart I think she will come back eventually but she does this thing where if she has upset someone she feels embarrassed and assumes she won't be forgiven. Which probably stems from the abuse she went through as a child and teen.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2015, 04:37:19 PM »

It sounds like you love her and want the best for her - hence your worry. That's fantastic!

There's also the other side - about you worrying about her OPINION. Yes that's probably your low self esteem - i used to be there too. Part of the emotional dependency. You WILL drive yourself crazy trying if you assume that her thoughts and actions are DUE TO what you do! Will be constantly wonder if YOU do things different, whether SHE will be different. Unfortunately you cannot control what she does or thinks. I think with my wife, at best, I have perhaps a 20% influence on her mood. I've learnt that what she thinks and feels comes from within HER, and very little of what i do can change that. So somehow you need to find the belief in yourself, you own self-esteem, the KNOWING that you ARE doing the best you can, you ARE a good person/partner/friend/mother, and that you can only control YOU. You need to let your partner own her own pain. You do not cause it. You probably can't make it better - you can just learn to not make it worse.

I believe this is emotional detachment. It feels like "I don't care about you" - at least for a few years. Then it feels supportive.
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wundress
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« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2015, 04:47:21 PM »

Thanks, that helps. I think over the past few days I have been doing some radical acceptance (if that's ehat it's called). I've accepted things for how they are. I can't change the situation or my partner I just have to suck it up for a while and work on learning techniques for managing the situation and to be supportive. It will also help protect my daughter from any fall out. I've been practicing validation on my daughter actually as I realise that it can have a long term positive affect on children.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2015, 07:20:54 PM »

Good to hear. In the end - you can only control YOU. I think accepting that is the key. Buddhism teaches that suffering only comes from not accepting your environment - trying to fight it. I see this in my past, and my kids. We need radical acceptance - accepting reality is what is - we can only choose our mindset/reaction. I read a book by Victor Frankel (Mans Search for Meaning) about his experience being in a concentration camp. He said is was obvious there were 2 types of people in the camp - those who would not accept their reality and those who did. Accepting their reality didn't mean agreeing with it, or liking it, but it meant acknowleding that it existed. Those people survived. The one's who fought reality ended up getting sick and dying. Don't agree with it or like it, but don't fight it.

With your daughter: that's one of the side-benefits I've also learnt when learning to validate my wife - I now validate my kids! I think it lets me 'hear' them a lot more - I can agree with their feelings without throwing "truth" in there. I can see how invalidating I used to be.
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waverider
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« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2015, 06:27:38 AM »

It is hard to accept that someone naturally just colors the reality, makes stuff up, has hidden agendas and generally just says things that they believe will meet their needs best, rather than any ethical need for honesty.

Unfortunately that is an ingrained personality trait, and wont easily be eradicated it is too ingrained. This is where radical acceptance comes into it. As you say if you suspect everything, then it is hard to show interest, the result is they hard sell you the fantasies even more and the gap widens.

It comes down to really knowing what affects you, realizing you can't stake anything important on what they say and just treat everything as "interesting". A bit like a fishermans tale. maybe true, maybe not, probably exaggerated but interesting conversation non the less.

Often the only truth you know is that you will never know the complete truth. Once you can accept this you dont waste as much time being suspicious, and you dont feel as let down as you were never quite sold in the first place.

When it comes as part of a personality disorder you will find it pervasive, from big issues to little issues, even when there seems no reason for it
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wundress
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« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2015, 08:20:37 AM »

Does it make a difference that she recognises she lies? She said to me a while ago that when she lies and hides stuff from me she knows she is doing it and knows it will hurt me but can't stop herself doing it anyway. I guess that's where cbt or dbt would help her?
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« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2015, 11:53:26 AM »

Does it make a difference that she recognises she lies? She said to me a while ago that when she lies and hides stuff from me she knows she is doing it and knows it will hurt me but can't stop herself doing it anyway. I guess that's where cbt or dbt would help her?

                     That is interesting that she is aware.  It is likely that when the emotional pressure is up, that she lies without "thinking" about it, and when it goes down she realizes what she is doing.  If you get the vibe that she is calculating and plotting to lie, then that is a bit different than BPD (IMO).                      

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waverider
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« Reply #9 on: November 23, 2015, 04:04:46 PM »

Does it make a difference that she recognises she lies? She said to me a while ago that when she lies and hides stuff from me she knows she is doing it and knows it will hurt me but can't stop herself doing it anyway. I guess that's where cbt or dbt would help her?

Inability to alter their own behavior is what gives them their underlying feeling of being a failure... so they cover it up, with more excuses and cover stories...

Yes there will be insightful moments, but still wont change their behavior.

This inability to alter their behavior that is frustrating to anyone trying to support a pwBPD. It is not just applicable to lying but also much dysfunctional behavior. Almost like self sabotage, its like they stubbornly refuse to learn by experience.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #10 on: November 23, 2015, 04:40:05 PM »

I'm a non and I'm aware when i lie to my wife - and i know that when/if she finds out about the lie she'll be hurt - but I still do it. I think it's that pain avoidance - if I tell the truth now there'll be an arguement, if I lie then all may be good and she may never find out. I'm certainly trying to do it less these days but there are still times when I just can't face what her reaciton will be.
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