not ready for NC

[Jk416]

I thought i was ready. I was only able to make it 2 1/2 days before i caved and responded to a text from uBPDxbf. I didn't block him because i had such a great connection with him that i thought we would always be friends even if our romantic relationship failed. I wanted time to heal from the end of what i thought was my last relationship. I thought he was "the one." But i was told i could be his friend now or never. He is going through a hard time and i wanted to be there for him. I know that he will always behave in this childish manner if he doesn't get help and possibly even if he does get help. I know i need to let go, but i just can't make myself right now. My t says that's ok, but i need to focus on me and my well-being, which i think i have forgotten how to do after being with pwBPD for over a year. I feel so much guilt for leaving him when he is so stressed out and depressed. He keeps telling me that he will be different when things get better for him financially and emotionally. I know thats not true, but i want to believe it, which is keeping me stuck.

There's so much info on here, Im having trouble remembering everything. I remember reading somewhere about other ways to detach other than NC. I feel eventually i will have to do that, im just not ready now. I'm going to try the being boring tactic, just being there for him as a friend/listening ear and refuse to talk about our past or future relationship. I feel a little selfish for doing it this way. But i just can't make myself block him right now. I've mostly seen NC stories on the board. Is there anybody out there who was able to detach slowly, progressively? Or is NC really the only way?

[Bikerman]

I really get your problem. I'm in the same boat after 22 years of my relationship. Been considering NC for some time (2 years) but always caved in. Got to the lowest I have ever been in my life, and that's the point. You will I suggest be in a spiral going ever lower (as I have been) unless you are strong now. Why not explain you need to heal and need NC for the time being? Maybe say you would like to help but in the future, but you can't now. That's what I am doing anyway. Maybe when we are stronger after time then will be able to see more objectively?

[Jk416]

I tried explaining that I needed time to heal, but he is admittedly selfish. He asked how I could leave him at a time like this. I must have never cared about him at all if I could do that. You know, all the usual low blows. And in the heat of these emotional exchanges, my sanity leaves me and I think, he's right. It would be terrible to leave him right now. I'm to the point now where I'm ok not initiating contact. I do worry about him, but I'm trying to slowly back off. And hoping that he does the same... .wishful thinking. He said he doesn't care to talk to me everyday, yet continues to call and/or text daily. Smh. They have no clue what they want. I know I just need to cut it off now. I'm getting closer. I hit my low a couple of months ago when I had to spend several nights in my car. I now have an apartment and I'm climbing out of the hole. I certainly don't need him pulling me down again.

[Darsha500]

Not arguing one way or the other. But this way help give you some insight into nc. It did for me. Please excuse the lack of indentAtion. I'm on my phone.

From getting past your break up:


Steps to Successful “No Contact” Sitting with swirling feelings and the compulsion to make contact is very hard to do. It’s like breaking an addiction—difficult and sometimes downright painful. So do what you would do if you were trying to kick a habit. Recognize that it’s not going to be easy at first, but commit to the process because you will be a better person for it. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex no matter what. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means that you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message, or e-mail your ex. You also will not check his or her Facebook or MySpace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an “accidental” meeting with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and not act on it immediately. Have a support system of people firmly in place so that you can contact them when you feel like communicating with your ex. If you are keeping your emotions bottled up inside, it will be tempting to talk to your ex, so make sure you have a frontline group that you can go to when the temptation gets great. This way you can call people who will support you instead of doing something you will regret later. Make a list of friends and family who are available at different times during the day. You can join both online support groups, such as the GPYP blog and e-mail group, and face-to-face support groups. Gather the troops and let them know when you’re having a bad day. It’s hard to stay mentally focused if you’re physically run-down. Make sure you are taking enough breaks, getting enough rest, eating right, having fun, and doing nice things for yourself, because if you’re not, you will be more tempted to act out. If you haven’t been taking care of yourself, start now. See Chapter 4 for more ways to take care of yourself. Maybe as you have been reading this you have been contacting your ex. If so, start NC now and forgive yourself for the communications you’ve had. Don’t dwell on the mistakes you’ve made, just resolve to not make them anymore. If you don’t start fresh, the guilt and shame you feel over your past behaviors will keep you stuck. One woman told me: After we broke up, I stayed in touch any way I could. I called him, I texted him, I e-mailed him. I even went back and spent the weekend with him and was miserable by Sunday night. Now, the biggest challenge for me is feeling guilty and ashamed of myself for acting in such an undignified manner—being needy and seemingly pathetic—for so long. I finally put the “no contact” rule in place, and I can tell you that it is the rule to follow. Since I forgave myself for my slipups, being NC has been liberating. It is important that you don’t dwell on your past mistakes. Put them aside and start “no contact” now.

[Bikerman]

If you DO want to break up that's a great line of advice. Like the woman in this piece, I found that's it was ME that couldn't let go. Once I had established that I couldn't go on mentally and decided that I could actually live on my own if need be, that the NC was still very difficult but at least it was attainable over time. Still feel like Crap a lot of the time but actually healing myself now so you get just a little stronger every day.

[Jk416]

So i guess no contact is really the only way.

[guy4caligirl]

I am afraid to say so  , but it is ... .

[Darsha500]

So i guess no contact is really the only way.

I'd say that it is an effective way. At least it has been for me, and many others. But like the author mentioned, its a choice that requires allot of determination. It hurts, I relate with the guilt you refer to in your post. I felt similarly. I wanted to help my ex, i didn't want her to feel pain. I really related to this quote from the white knight syndrome.

"An overly empathic white knight who wants to leave a relationship may feel guilty about a desperate reaction on the part of his helpless dependent partner, and rescue her once again—this time from his wish to leave."

There is no way i would have been able to recover to the point that I have without going NC.

We're only responsible for ourselves. thats something that has really been driven home for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know i need to let go, but i just can't make myself right now. My t says that's ok, but i need to focus on me and my well-being, which i think i have forgotten how to do after being with pwBPD for over a year.  I feel so much guilt for leaving him when he is so stressed out and depressed.

Your T is right.  There's where your area of focus needs to be, your needs and the guilt you feel for making them a priority.  Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, the best thing you can do right now is get extremely selfish, make your needs the one and only priority, which will feel weird, but it's the way out.  Someone in constant pain and needy, along with well-formed psychological tools to get and keep you in caretaker mode, is going to deplete you eventually, we can only give so much.  And when you're depleted you have nothing to give; we MUST take care of ourselves first.

I feel a little selfish for doing it this way.

There you go!  Run with that.  Think about what flight attendants say on airplanes: in the case of cabin depressurization and the oxygen masks falling, put your mask on first before you help children or others.  We must take care of ourselves first, or we have nothing to give.

But i just can't make myself block him right now. I've mostly seen NC stories on the board. Is there anybody out there who was able to detach slowly, progressively? Or is NC really the only way?

NC is a tool we use to detach, but it's not the only way.  I left my ex and removed her from my life entirely, because I was losing my sanity and had no choice, but also because the abuse she inflicted was unforgivable and someone like that isn't allowed in my life.  But that's me.  For you, if you can keep the focus on you and your needs above all else and stay in contact with him, no worries, but borderlines have an uncanny knack and lots of tools to get your needs on the back burner, so you need to decide if that's possible with him.

And then, with some time and distance, you can dig into and learn from your tendency to put someone else's needs ahead of your own, to the complete exclusion of yours, codependency it's called, and there's a lot to be learned by digging there, what you might find to be the gift of the relationship one day.  Take care of you!