Wanting to let rip at her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My last contact with ex was Friday,I sent some money over to her for her children for Christmas. As I expected there was no thanks just a 'kids will appreciate it'along with abusive comments that I was the lowest of the low and she will never ever go back to us. I guess I'm just sat here feeling angry,helpless even,just wanting to let rip and tell her just how god damn ungrateful and messed up she really is. I've read and read and read here and it's always the same... .the patterns... .behaviours... .language. I also know it would be absolutely pointless,it's pointless saying anything because it will get twisted and manipulated and turned back to how it's all my fault. The feeling of being helpless,that I can't do anything and this I know mentally,but my heart just can't let go of. I'm no more important than any other person and others have had it worse,but why,why after the things she has done and said,why the accusations,the smearing can my heart not let go of this. If we cross paths she will purposefully torment and smirk at me it's as though she enjoys the pain she causes and creates. I own my sh!t and accept full responsibility for my actions and errors... .how damn hard is an apology and recognition that her actions were a contributing factor in all this too. Zero,zilch,nothing. How can anybody justify accusing a person of rape then be seen walking around with them as if nothing happened? How can she justify going to my work Christmas party and trying to seduce her friends partner who was also a good friend of mine? Instead we are all tossed away,we are the ones who did her wrong.if I make a mistake I'll hold my hands up,apologise and make every effort not to repeat. I guess reading this post back I'm back in the anger stage, angry at being a nobody without a voice that gets heard to her. Why should it even matter what this person thinks,I've seen the person behind the mask,I've experienced what I know to be real... .but... .still my heart can't let it go. I'm also angry at myself not being able to let go,why do I need someone as appaling as this to give me validation that it wasn't all on my shoulders

[Little oak]

My last contact with ex was Friday,I sent some money over to her for her children for Christmas. As I expected there was no thanks just a 'kids will appreciate it'along with abusive comments that I was the lowest of the low and she will never ever go back to us. I guess I'm just sat here feeling angry,helpless even,just wanting to let rip and tell her just how god damn ungrateful and messed up she really is. I've read and read and read here and it's always the same... .the patterns... .behaviours... .language. I also know it would be absolutely pointless,it's pointless saying anything because it will get twisted and manipulated and turned back to how it's all my fault. The feeling of being helpless,that I can't do anything and this I know mentally,but my heart just can't let go of. I'm no more important than any other person and others have had it worse,but why,why after the things she has done and said,why the accusations,the smearing can my heart not let go of this. If we cross paths she will purposefully torment and smirk at me it's as though she enjoys the pain she causes and creates. I own my sh!t and accept full responsibility for my actions and errors... .how damn hard is an apology and recognition that her actions were a contributing factor in all this too. Zero,zilch,nothing. How can anybody justify accusing a person of rape then be seen walking around with them as if nothing happened? How can she justify going to my work Christmas party and trying to seduce her friends partner who was also a good friend of mine? Instead we are all tossed away,we are the ones who did her wrong.if I make a mistake I'll hold my hands up,apologise and make every effort not to repeat. I guess reading this post back I'm back in the anger stage, angry at being a nobody without a voice that gets heard to her. Why should it even matter what this person thinks,I've seen the person behind the mask,I've experienced what I know to be real... .but... .still my heart can't let it go. I'm also angry at myself not being able to let go,why do I need someone as appaling as this to give me validation that it wasn't all on my shoulders

[Learning_curve74]

Sorry to hear you're going thru these feelings Little oak. It can be doubly frustrating to feel like we're mistreated by somebody we cared about then also feel frustrated with ourselves for caring too much about how they feel and treat us. I've been there too.

Just like a person with BPD, we often have ingrained responses to certain feelings. How do you usually deal with negative emotions like anger or frustration?

[joel6242]

I just got out of a bad BPD relationship and just accepted that he was BPD of the worst kind. I got sick of it about a month ago and asked him to leave because of the ugly comments, I thought I deserved better. He thought I should be in jail. He called the police and started with hitting him which did not work and then he found another way to get me that did work. I am also coming to grips with the fact that he will never love or feel any empathy.

I really need to detach and move on. I am so glad we did not have children, I like that I do not have to see him again. I could not do what you are doing. If I had to talk to Levi again, I might go back.

Sounds like you are a great dad, I think I would focus on the kids.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi little oak

Sorry you feel that way ,I went through the exact same  thing you described, I feel your pain .

But guess what  the illness and the disorder drives her to act that way it's not your fault by any means nothing personal , it's just how they deal with the current situation you will get better with time ,they won't... .It's very sad .

Hang in there, your future happiness will come and the right person will... .I know you don't want to hear this now  , what helped me is listening to Joel Osteen preaching ,look up his web site in my opinion ... .

[learningtoloveagain]

 

I am in a similar situation and here is some information that has helped me out.

THE BAITING GAME

A Borderline can make you behave in ways that you never dreamed possible. He/she will bait you in a way that first seems innocent/innocuous, by asking questions or making statements about your relatives, friends or co-workers, and before you know it, you'll be having to defend those other attachments, and trying to reason with this person (which we've learned, never works).

You're probably a People Pleaser who harshly judges your darker emotions, like anger. Nevertheless, the Borderline easily triggers rageful reactions from you, because they're Master Baiters (you should pardon the expression). They'll continually make disparaging comments about your kids, your favorite uncle, your best buddy, etc., that cannot help but fire you up! They do this, in effort to cull you from the herd so to speak, and exercise more power over you. The Borderline must systematically destroy other ties so that you have no alternate reality or frame of reference for normal behavior. If you resist these tactical maneuvers, another battle ensues--and quite suddenly, you're actually screaming out of a sense of sheer exasperation!

When this darker side of your nature gets activated, you'll feel ashamed and guilty afterwards. The Borderline might even add to this, by telling you how deeply you've hurt them (but they're the one who's lit that flame!). Still, this facet of you could have gotten drowned and discarded in childhood, because God knows, you never wanted to be like your abusive parent, who took their anger out on You. No in fact, you wanted to be just the opposite of that.

So you're damned if you take a stand for yourself--and damned if you don't. Sitting with that debilitating guilt you feel after one of those bouts, and the ways you punish yourself for these outbursts, is more painful than numbing-out with booze or pot, giving in--and just not making waves. And that's the rub that keeps you with this twisted, tormenting individual.

STILL CRAZY, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

You and I have a need to make sense of our life experiences. This need gets our attention and holds it, until we can figure out where we stand, and get a handle on interpreting the uncomfortable/bad feelings that a person or event triggers in us! This normal reflex helps us determine how we feel about what we've perceived. When a lover's emotional responses to various situations are incongruent (they don't make sense), it has us questioning our reality, and feeling like we're on shaky ground.

With the Borderline, our sense of congruency is constantly being challenged. A Borderline's selective memory and distorted thinking convincingly make us doubt our perceptions, and have us believing that black is really white--thus we're always floundering in chaos (this is called gaslighting). There comes a point, at which we can't decipher which end is up or down--sort of like being trapped beneath tons of snow, in an avalanche.

We're now obsessively focused on trying to dig our way out of this disaster, by making sense of something that's utterly nonsensical. We feel so crazy, we keep attempting to fix it, or right the wrong! This alone is often the hook that keeps us going back for more (it's part of our control issue). Even after years of separation, you might be inclined to think that things can be normal between you and your ex--but you're mistaken. Listen to Paul Simon's Still Crazy After All These Years, for confirmation.

Perhaps you're holding yourself "responsible" for staying in this relationship too long--especially if you're left with serious physical ailments. Owning your part in any dynamic is important--but only if it serves as a learning tool, to keep you from stepping into that same hole in the road again. Would you continue to scold a little child every day, for having made a costly mistake? Of course not! It's time to let yourself off the mat. If you could have done it differently, you would have. Use this experience to learn, heal and grow.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has a ton of self help videos do a google search he can help you reconnect with yourself. I am currently in the process and his work helps a ton. Look up his video called:

"How to get what you really really want"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuttNmIDB1w

Never will a Borderline take ownership of their failings/flaws. Never. Closure allows a meeting of souls, a healing acknowledgment of each person's part in the demise of the relationship, and an opportunity for both to learn from their mistakes. No such thing will ever exist for the Borderline. Oh, you may receive a perfunctory "I'm sorry," but there is never genuine remorse. So why is this, do you think?

Closure equals Ego Death to a Borderline. They're so fractured/fragile, they really can't manage any hint of abandonment or loss. They're so full of self-loathing, they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings. Their defenses are deeply entrenched, automatic and reflexive because they need them, to survive. Point out your Borderline's weaknesses, and you might as well drive a stake through their heart--if they can take it in. Most cannot, so their denial remains. For you this can mean no harm, no foul.

I keep wanting to show her all this information but it's like trying to show a 3 year old the matrix and expect them to give you a detailed analysis. Not going to happen. Unfortunately we have to salvage ourselves and make a new path. Fix the dependancy issuse we have along with anger we are carrying.

Keep your head up. It is possible to regain your momentum towards your true passions for a great existence beyond this current hell we have unfortunately allowed to manifest.

[NoNoNo]

learningtoloveagain, thanks!

[Little oak]

Thanks for your replies,it really helps just being able to vent at times... .I work in a very public place and today she appeared out of nowhere. I didn't recognise her at first but she seemed to have made an effort to dress up and do her hair. We never spoke but she hasn't been to my work place in months and now after our last contact on Friday when I told her I was sad that we couldn't work things out and her response was she would never go back and I was the lowest of the low,I didn't fight,beg or plead I just replied with an ok no worries. Why does she pop up and unbalance me,my gut tells me she isn't done and wants me to feel I'm missing out on her,so she can put me down again. I guess she wants to feel wanted but wants me to suffer and hopes I will plead and beg for her which I will not do. Does she feel abandoned? I'm only doing what she told me to do which was to forget about her and her children. So confused and so desperate to put this all behind me,this site has been a sanctuary to release and unburden my own thoughts in a safe environment

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Little oak, it sounds like you're trying to be strong, and it's hard to be strong sometimes, so please hang in there. 

Borderlines often engage in push-pull behaviors towards others. One moment they'll try to draw you in, another moment they will push you away. Is it logical? No, but that is part of why it's a mental illness.

Always feel free to write and even vent on the forum. People here understand, and I think in general other forum members want it to be a safe place for others to discuss and support each other. Good luck to you!

[wwfd1220]

I have not visited this forum in months, but felt the urge to swing in here today. My exwBPD gf and I have not had any contact since July 25... .I am not going to lie. I still think about her several times every day which is weird because I have since met a very wonderful and awesome lady. I am assuming that this is part of the healing process still. I am somewhat open with my new normal gf, and she knows my history of "loving the crazy" as she calls it. I am very glad I swung back in and did some reading tonight. I just cannot believe that I still miss that lady, and I definitely have a gut feeling that she is not done with me yet... .It is just a gut feeling... .push/pull sucks ass, but I am so glad she has left me alone for almost 4 months now... .That has allowed me time to see just how crazy it all was... .to all you new members... .just keep reading and venting here. These people are amazing, and truly helped me in my recovery