Help With Consistency

[Charleespeech]

Hi!

My bestfriend of 20+ years has many traits of BPD. I have noticed lately that I have had a harder time managing the demands that this relationship places on me. I have isolated myself from many close friends because it was easier to isolate myself and keep my friend happy than to have to deal with the constant disapproval of my decisions to hang out with these people... .Or just other people in general.

I recently had a very honest conversation with my friend... .Perhaps the most honest i have ever been. I told her that as of late (more like... .The last 20 years), I have noticed that our interactions have largely focused on things that are negative. As someone who values the friendship and cares about my friend I told her that I felt responsible for fixing her problems and Making her feel better always. I told her When these phone calls or get togethers were happening everyday and every weekend... .It becomes overwhelming for me. I mentioned that there are stresses in my life that require my attention and mental capacity and there are also other people in my life that also require time and attention. The result of this conversation was hat my friend felt very offended and hurt by my words and how I have lost her trust. That conversation happened over a week ago. She mentioned that I don't include her in my life... .In talking to a therapist I realize that this is her viewpoint and I am responsible for settings the boundaries that are good for me. Like I said, the conversation happened over a week ago and we have barely spoke. To be honest... .The distance has been a relief and I am enjoying the new found freedom. My therapist asked what an ideal relationship would look like and I said a friend with whom I get together with every month (if that).

There are a couple of events coming up (including her Christmas party where I agreed months ago to be her plus one). I am happy to attend these events and think the group dynamic will be helpful in this time of transition.

My struggle comes with the holiday time. I have plans to have a get together with mutual friends of ours that she has hurt very badly with her words. I want so much to go but I feel guilty that she is not invited and it is not my place to invite her. I also would like to go away with my boyfriend for New Years but feel guilty (and scared) of her reaction to when I inform her of this decision.

I have made a lot of gains in the past couple weeks and hope to have the strength to continue to be consistent with boundaries and my expectations from my friend and our new relationship. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Charleespeech,

you are doing well  You can't invite someone to an event a third party is throwing. And you can't take her along to a romantic getaway with your bf either.

It may be worth exploring why you feel so guilty about it. Certainly a pwBPD can cause us to feel dreadful, walking on eggshells and being afraid of being the bringer of bad news. But then maybe there is more to it which gets you to feel responsible for things you don't control.

[Charleespeech]

I suppose the guilt comes from breaking habits that have been formed over the last 20+ years. I haven't felt in control of my own life for years and feel that the biggest part of my identity during this time has been to act as caregiver and number one cheerleader, confidante, and companion for this friend... .Something that I felt uncomfortable with but felt trapped. Now, having caused a break in old habits, I feel like my sense of identity has been shaken.