37 days in... I might not lay down and die after all, lol

[mjssmom]

Okay so I've survived the sudden, unexplained breakup so far so I might as well keep rolling with it.  Still having some out of the blue meltdowns here and there but they have become less frequent.  And I'm still having some times where this seems like a bad dream that didn't really happen.  Like he's going to call me any moment and things will be like they always were.  It's surreal almost.

I do have to say the cheater's diet is the best diet ever.  I've lost 13 pounds despite the fact I already am a petite person anyway.   I started working out regularly again now, what a great way to just get out all these emotions, but the trainer says now I need to try to regain weight again.  I try to eat but once I start, I lose my appetite. Maintenance at 25 was much easier than it is at 45 I tell you!  He says I look like I'm 35 though so now I've made him my new best friend.  Love you trainer guy! 

I pulled out all the big guns for this one.  I'm doing EMRD therapy for PTSD.  This triggered some things for me I need to finally deal with.  History says I'm a co-dependent personality so it's time to take care of that too.  One day I'd really like to be in a healthy relationship.  I'm also bi-polar, tend to be almost always on the manic side but I'm typically well controlled. I'm my psych doc's fav patient!   I've probably sent him on many fine vacations.  However this situation REALLY hyped me up.  I can even see it looking back at my emotional and frantic posting here.  So working on getting that back in check too.  I can't even describe what it's like to be in a constant state of mania to people.  That dang ticker just running in you head over and over that you just can't catch up to.


I stopped looking at his online profile and his FB about 3 weeks ago.  Have asked everyone to stop looking and updating me but they are nosy and can't seem to help themselves.  Who doesn't love drama when it's not them right?  I might need to think about cutting off some other people like he did me only I promise to be kinder about it if I do.  Changed my email address.  Not sure about changing my phone # since it's such a pain but I'm mulling it over. 

And the week after next, I'm going to go blow off some steam and get in some girl time with my BFF and go visit her in TN again like I did when this just happened.  A little bit of apple pie moonshine and some shooting can be good therapy if you don't over do it, .  Promise I won't do both at the same time. 

Okay so I think I might be doing all right.  Am I missing anything?  Any suggestions?  The more in my arsenal the better.   Especially when your also manic... .

But thanks for reading and commenting on my posts. I'm sure if I have a setback or meltdown I'll post frantically again cuz that just happens when your manic and get rev'd up but this has really helped.  The more I learn, the more questions I have about my own situation.  I'm getting closure one way or the other even if I have to find it myself. 

No one around me except my therapist and a co-worker who has treated BPD seems to understand this and why I've actually found a bit of empathy for him.  It does make sense to me when I can look through his eyes.  It makes me sad for him.  My doc thinks I've been bi-polar probably since I was a kid.  I got help 13 years ago for my illness.  I know now when I need help.  When I don't know and someone tells me I need help, I don't resist calling my doc anymore.  He doesn't really know what he's doing and that what he's doing isn't working for him.  He knows "something" is wrong.  He has the panic attacks and went on depression meds about a month before our undoing.  Even told me our last conversation the meds weren't making him "feel right" but that he'd talk to me about it more when we talked more about me moving in with him.  We never got to have that talk.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder because he had been complaining shortly after going on those meds, that he wasn't feeling right on them.  I have to wonder if those meds had a hand in this considering the timing.  Guess I'll never know... .

He'll go through the rest of his life living in the prison of his own mind.  I remember that pain myself.  I know how it is to be unable to control how you think yet know your life is passing you by and dysfunctional but you just can't stop from jumping in front of the train.  I don't have to do that anymore.  I have choices to be well that he doesn't. He'll never experience real joy or real love.  I still have a chance.  How sad is that?   

That's my take on it anyway.  So any suggestions are welcome.  And thanks again for being there.  God bless us with rested hearts and minds today.

[infjEpic]

He'll go through the rest of his life living in the prison of his own mind.  I remember that pain myself.  I know how it is to be unable to control how you think yet know your life is passing you by and dysfunctional but you just can't stop from jumping in front of the train.  I don't have to do that anymore. 

The recovery process isn't linear. You are gonna have bad days and weak moments in the future.
But you've come through the worst of it.

He may attempt to recycle you or hurt you, when you least expect it. When you think you are strong.
You may doubt yourself - Stay in NC

Think of that woman who just weathered 37 days of hell. She is You.
Have compassion for her & Do not let her down. Do not throw away her sacrifices.
Stay in NC - no matter what.

  I have choices to be well that he doesn't. He'll never experience real joy or real love.  I still have a chance.  How sad is that? 

Sounds callous. But it's not your concern anymore.

You have to live your life.
Focus on you.
Be good to you.
Your best days are all ahead of you

[ynwa]

Hey Mjss, I'm so glad you are feeling and dealing with things in a positive way.  You sound like you really are aware of your feelings and are working with them instead of against them. 

Go you!   You are right in seeing that it will have ups and downs, especially as you start to look inward.   

I started practicing mindfullness everyday and it's helped me stay in neutral and grounded when I start thinking emotionally.

It's simple meditation.  Sit down comfortably, relax and for 10 minutes count your breath in and out up to 10 and start again. (That's the simple gist of it). There is an app called Headspace, that guides you along.  Very easy but rewarding.

YNWA.

[apollotech]

One day I'd really like to be in a healthy relationship.

mjssmom,

Good statement ^^^^! Looking forwards instead of backwards! As I said before, a BPD relationship, although it brings a lot of pain, chaos, and confusion into ones life, is a great catalyst for self-discovery and growth. Good for you for working on yourself; you're the one person that you can change.

Oh, and BTW, as I have followed your story on the board, I see you as much too tough of an individual to let something like this experience keep you down, much less kill you!

[mjssmom]

Thanks for the encouraging words everybody!   This has been really difficult but I'm doing the best I can to use this as an opportunity to get my own stuff in order.  To learn how self-awareness and how to find healthy people to bring into my life.  I didn't realize how much time he took away from me that I had to care for him like a child.  I have my own mental health to maintain.  At some point, he probably would have brought out the depression or mania in me and I'd cycle endlessly.  So I'm doing my own homework.  I thought I was ready to date again after almost 3 years of taking off after my divorce.  This experience taught me I have more work to do on myself.  My therapy is really emotionally intense but has been so worth it.  Having a really good therapist  and having a forum such as this with people that understand and are non-judgemental have been lifesavers for me. 

I won't say I don't miss him.  I do.  I think about him quite frequently throughout the day.  But I know over time it will fade away until I'm indifferent the same way it did with my ex-husband whom I had a much longer relationship with.  I just keep pushing myself to keep things in perspective.  This is real.  This happened.  He has his own reality but I don't have to be a victim of it. 

[Mr.R.Indignation]

A little bit of apple pie moonshine and some shooting can be good therapy if you don't over do it, .  Promise I won't do both at the same time.

I take it that evening involves a lot more firing than actually being able to hit anything.  I'm a little jealous.

Do try not to lay down and die after all, some of us have come to appreciate you after following your story! Glad to see you've made it to this point.