NC for 2 weeks... .most of the time if feel strong but sometimes I feel weak. I dont know why I'm still asking myself so many questions like:
- Is she really ill or she was only getting through a hard time?
- Is she very crual, ill or both of them?
* With her it's tricky because she was the shy and low profile type, she played with my feelings, pathological liar, cheating, manipulation, harassment... .very dishonest! She use to backstab and avoid confrontation. If you are not in intamicy with her you will never know she's so toxic!
- With everything she did, she's doing very well !! (she's in a rebound and party everynight pot/drinking with a guy 6 years younger her 30/him 24)
- Will she ever pay for what she did... .I mean, Is the Wheel going to turn?
- Will I find again a such sexual chemistry?
So, I'm getting better, slowly but sometimes it's hard... .I think I'm not in love with her anymore... .I'm more frustrated and stil think too much about that!
Advice, comments?
Thanks alot in advance
All very normal questions to have at the end of a BPD relationship. I can empathise as my uBPDxgf was the quiet type. She didn't act out as opposed to act in. She was very manipulative and knew how to twist rational fears upside down to make me feel like I'm crazy. For instance she used to come home and talk about a guy she works with who she used to sleep with and who was still obsessed with her. She used to say he was such a great guy and so funny (even when we were fighting) and when I told her I didn't want to hear about him and expressed a little concern over the fact she constantly text him out of work and was effectively rubbing him in my face that was me being 'insecure' or 'controlling'.
She convinced me she was going through a hard time. She had just come out of a 5.5 year relationship with her fiancee (who she had been cheating on for the last year with a married man). She told me her ex had been cold and distant and the married guy had given her what she was missing. She told me she was mixed up and just needed time to get her head straight. She told me I was the best thing to happen to her in a while and confided in me fully. All these guys were still in contact with her and I put it down to her tidying up loose ends. Fast forward a year and most of the guys are still there and new ones have come on the scene - proving she wasn't having a hard time it was 'business as usual'.
I'm not sure pwBPD are inanely cruel. They are wired a different way to us. That's not to say their behaviour can be condoned and a lot of it can be selfish and impulsive. Remember this is a deep routed emotional problem that has become gradually more and more entrenched in their psyche.
I still have feelings of wanting karma to bite her in the ass. The thing is, without professional help and a willingness to change her patterns will repeat. You aren't the first and certainly wont be the last to be sucked into this type of relationship with her. Nothing you did would ultimately change the outcome and remember what you see on the outside i.e. social media or seeing them in the street is by no manner of means what's happening in her head or behind closed doors.
