Did your ex try to recycle after leaving you for another?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have read a lot about being painted black and being left for someone else. This is currently where I am with my uBPDexgf.

What I wanted to see is how many people have had their exs try and come back after their sudden new r/s failed. Mine was setting her new one up even before we broke up. Now I wonder when that fails (and as we all know it will) will she then "realise" and try and recycle with me.

Your experiences would be useful as well as your opinions.

[kyon147]

I have read a lot about being painted black and being left for someone else. This is currently where I am with my uBPDexgf.

What I wanted to see is how many people have had their exs try and come back after their sudden new r/s failed. Mine was setting her new one up even before we broke up. Now I wonder when that fails (and as we all know it will) will she then "realise" and try and recycle with me.

Your experiences would be useful as well as your opinions.

[butterfly15]

I have read a lot about being painted black and being left for someone else. This is currently where I am with my uBPDexgf.

What I wanted to see is how many people have had their exs try and come back after their sudden new r/s failed. Mine was setting her new one up even before we broke up. Now I wonder when that fails (and as we all know it will) will she then "realise" and try and recycle with me.

Your experiences would be useful as well as your opinions.

I think from what I have now read also that is the pattern. To find your replacement before letting you go. My ex and I had this time of about a week and a half over the summer. I don't know what happened. He suddenly gave me the ST. It lasted longer than ever before. He started to contact me after that time repeatedly (like every 20 mins) for 2 days via text, phone, voicemails, emails. I did not respond. I was really upset that he would just leave? I finally responded when he told me that he had made mistakes and that I was the only one for him. He loved me, etc.  Apparently, I was being recycled or we were recycling? I was unaware of that term at that time. He promised me everything. He was wonderful for about 3 weeks. Then I found out he was on plenty of fish again? wth. His behaviors all changed so rapidly and he began to despise me. I still didnt understand why he came back. That was until I joined this board. Now I know. It was for a recycle. :'(

[kyon147]

I have read a lot about being painted black and being left for someone else. This is currently where I am with my uBPDexgf.

What I wanted to see is how many people have had their exs try and come back after their sudden new r/s failed. Mine was setting her new one up even before we broke up. Now I wonder when that fails (and as we all know it will) will she then "realise" and try and recycle with me.

Your experiences would be useful as well as your opinions.

I think from what I have now read also that is the pattern. To find your replacement before letting you go. My ex and I had this time of about a week and a half over the summer. I don't know what happened. He suddenly gave me the ST. It lasted longer than ever before. He started to contact me after that time repeatedly (like every 20 mins) for 2 days via text, phone, voicemails, emails. I did not respond. I was really upset that he would just leave? I finally responded when he told me that he had made mistakes and that I was the only one for him. He loved me, etc.  Apparently, I was being recycled or we were recycling? I was unaware of that term at that time. He promised me everything. He was wonderful for about 3 weeks. Then I found out he was on plenty of fish again? wth. His behaviors all changed so rapidly and he began to despise me. I still didnt understand why he came back. That was until I joined this board. Now I know. It was for a recycle. :'(

I am expecting her to try and come back to recycle after her current r/s fails. It is just a matter of time before she enters into the next phase.

Part of me of course wants her back but I know in my head that is not the thing to do and want to work through myself to not be a doormat.

[hashtag_loyal]

People with disordered attachment patterns have a very tough time truly letting go. You might be painted black now, but that might change in the near or distant future the next time your ex is lonely, or sees something that triggers her memories of you. This may or may not happen before her current r/s finishes. (My dBPDxgf stayed in contact with several of her exes, and cheated on me with one of them, probably another one too, and quite possibly all of the ones that were still local.)

Bottom line: You should expect this to happen and have a plan of action in case she does contact you again.

[kyon147]

People with disordered attachment patterns have a very tough time truly letting go. You might be painted black now, but that might change in the near or distant future the next time your ex is lonely, or sees something that triggers her memories of you. This may or may not happen before her current r/s finishes. (My dBPDxgf stayed in contact with several of her exes, and cheated on me with one of them, probably another one too, and quite possibly all of the ones that were still local.)

Bottom line: You should expect this to happen and have a plan of action in case she does contact you again.

Yeah it is what I am trying to work out. What I am going to do when it happens and how to deal with it.

At the moment, I would be sucked in far too easily.

[once removed]

relationship recycling is something that necessarily requires the active, willing participation of two parties. over sixty percent of relationships recycle, irrespective of BPD.

here is a workshop we have on relationship recycling and the reasons why we do: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

the question is, kyon147, do you want to reconcile?

[juniorswailing]

Mine has recycled the one she was with before me.

I'm guessing that my time might come but I have the advantage now of knowing what is going on.

[steve195915]

I've been recycled.  I suspect when she was with me she had her next in line all lined up, then she started a fight over nothing to cause our breakup and see him.  While seeing him we still kept in touch, saw each other secretively as friends, and towards the end of her relationship with him we had sex.  After they broke up, I soon got texts on how much she misses me and what a great guy I am and how she made mistakes so we got back together, yet she still kept him as a friend on fb, still talked to him.  They did have another big fight and he went NC on her.  So now we're together but I do wonder if she's looking for other options as thats the pattern.  

[steve195915]

Mine has recycled the one she was with before me.

I'm guessing that my time might come but I have the advantage now of knowing what is going on.

Do you really think you know whats going on and that it can be an advantage?  We only know of the past and how its common with BPD but we can only suspect that its a possibility.  I think the non-BPD partner is in some denial, ignoring the fact that it will happen to them, or happen to them again for the recyclers. We think if we change our behavior then they will not have any reason to do that but again its not in how we treat them, its their mental illess that causes it.  It's their irrational fear to be abandoned, and their feeling of being consumed so they pull away and look for other options.  Has anyone in here been in a relationship with BPD partner wherein the BPD didn't cheat or line up another option so they can move immediately into another relationship? 

[juniorswailing]

I didn't understand her behaviour once it changed and after a conversation with my sister, who had an odd experience with her, and doing some digging about based on what I already knew I ended up here.It was like a light bulb had been switched on.

So yes, I think I have a pretty good idea of what is going on with her, unlike many of her exes, and I will be prepared should the day ever arise when she tries to make contact.

[steve195915]

I didn't understand her behaviour once it changed and after a conversation with my sister, who had an odd experience with her, and doing some digging about based on what I already knew I ended up here.It was like a light bulb had been switched on.

So yes, I think I have a pretty good idea of what is going on with her, unlike many of her exes, and I will be prepared should the day ever arise when she tries to make contact.

So how are you prepared and what are you planning to do/say?

[juniorswailing]

I plan to have nothing to do with her.

The good times were good,  but the bad were crap and they were far more prevelant.

She is a user and the educated opinion on here seems to be that won't change.

[shatra]

We took "time outs" in the past, and as far as I know he didn't run to someone else right away.  We recycled a couple of times.  Now we are broken up and he is with a "friend" who he has known for years.

   I don't see any posts on this thread of the pwBPD not trying to recycle after they leave you for another person. It seems to be a major trait of the disorder.

  I have seen people on other threads write that they were convinced the BPD would never come back "It's been years since the breakkup"  or "They painted me black and told me to be with someone else and they're never coming back" but sooner or later----knock knock or ring ring here comes the BPD again

[JSF13]

My ex and I recycled 10 times + over the course of our relationship. We'd break up for a few days and then boom back again. My guess is she is with someone else. As much as I love the good side of her, she is so detrimental to my life I will not allow her back. I cannot fix her. No one can from what I am reading. This is a lifelong mental disorder and I am not going to spend the next 50+ yrs of my life being degraded and treated like crap. I cannot do the anxiety or turmoil. The threats and accusations but mostly the dismemberment of my friendships. I am sure that at some point she will attempt to come back to me. I did treat her very well (I like any human made my share of mistakes as well) and shifted my life to cater to her illness but no more. I will not let anyone treat me even a 1/4 of how she did ever again in my life. I will say I miss her so much and everyday wake up to roll over wishing she was there but thats me hanging on to memories of a person I came to rarely see. I deserve better. We all deserve better.

[C.Stein]

If my ex has moved onto a new relationship as she has claimed to then I want nothing to do with her anymore.  She is also not the type to go back once she detaches completely as she apparently has with me.  I do not expect I will ever hear from her again and even if I did it wouldn't be because she wanted to have another go at our relationship. 

It really is very saddening to me because she has so much potential to be a truly wonderful person and partner if she could get the hurtful behavior under control.

[Infern0]

I actually HAVE recycled after this happened.

We broke up and within 3 weeks she was "with" this guy she had been "friends" with for ages

anyway within a month of that she was talking to me again and a few times during the course of their 6 month relationship she cheated on him with me

after they broke up we got back together within a couple of months or so.

So yes it happens, i'd advise to avoid it at all costs though

[findingmyselfagain]

Mine didn't recycle with me. It was more or less a slow fade into oblivion for me after she ended our engagement. I hung on to some belief that the magic would somehow come back, sadly. It's been over 5 years now, over 3 years since last contact. But from what I understood about her past r/s's that it's likely they were recycled. I hope someday she finds peace with herself. I've accepted that we could not have a healthy relationship without something major changing on her end.

Why would I (or you) want to be with someone who could treat us so poorly? I no longer feel so sorry for her. She's an adult, for one thing. Some mental conditions are just really hard to deal with and that's the way it is. Why invite drama into your life?