Pregnancy with Ex

[AmIReadyForThis]

Hello. Been reading this site for a couple months and decided last night that I would register this morning to seek advice. I am a 25 year old male, looking for advice on my situation.

BPDex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago after a 9 month relationship, over me being a little too sensitive during an episode of hers. I have a fairly good base knowledge on BPD and have learned communication tools from "SWOE" as well as some of the articles & posts on this site. I also have a strong sense of self, which improved to greater levels during a 2 week NC period. May not seem like a long time, but a lot had occurred in those 2 weeks.

We had sex, unprotected, a few times the days prior to the breakup. We had spoken for 2 days after the breakup but I then decided to initiate NC and focus on me. About a week later she had texted me saying that she is late, I didn't respond. This past Tuesday(week ago tomorrow), we broke NC when she called to tell me she still hasn't had her period. I guess I answered the phone in hopes that she would say she misses me, as I really do miss and love this woman and want her in my life. I went over to her place and she took a home test, showed positive, so went to the doctor and the doctor confirmed that she is pregnant.

While she hasn't decided if she is going to keep the pregnancy or terminate it, signs are pointing to her keeping it. If she does keep it, I obviously will be the best man I can for me, her and our child, but I would like to be with her. I know a baby doesn't fix problems in a relationship, but I strongly believe this girl and I should at the very least try. I had mentioned this to her on Thursday last week to which she said she can't even think about that right now.

Has anyone had a similar situation? Is anyone able to offer some advice?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi AmIReadyForThis,

Welcome to BPD Family. I'm glad you felt able to post today. It can be daunting taking that first step in sharing your feelings with a bunch of strangers, even anonymously.

I haven't been in your shoes, however, I have been in your ex-girlfriend's position. I can completely understand that she doesn't feel able to address the issue of whether the two of you should be together or not just yet. When I got pregnant I was part way through my degree course. My mind was completely overwhelmed by the possible changes that would take place if I kept the baby: Where would we live? What would we live on? Would I be a good mother? What about my career? What would my parents think? Would they disown me? How would I feel if I had an abortion? Would that make me a murderer? I could think of nothing else and my emotions were all over the place due to the hormones. My boyfriend at the time, stayed with me but didn't tell me whether he wanted the baby or not which left me guessing. It was helpful in a way, because it forced me to make an independent decision, but I would have appreciated some reassurance that he wanted me and the baby, but that he wanted me to make the best decision for me and it was my choice.

Of course, BPD complicates matters, but, your ex-girlfriend is still facing one of the biggest decisions she will ever make. Ask her what she needs from you. I know it's tough being the father in this situation, but she needs your support right now rather than pressure. You may feel some kind of obligation to do 'the right thing' by her, but I think that often the socially acceptable thing can be the wrong thing in the long term. BPD relationships are notoriously difficult and taking time to be certain that you want a permanent relationship with her would be wise in the long term. It might be useful to focus upon how you feel about this pregnancy. You hint about your concerns in your username - Are you ready for this? How do you feel about being a father? How will this impact upon your life? Do you feel obligated to her and in what way? If your ex were not pregnant, what kind of relationship would you want to have with her? How would your own parents react to the news?

There's a lot for you to consider because you are talking about a lifetime together. If you can't face the idea of a lifetime together, you might be better to co-parent rather than become partners. Whilst you are supporting your ex to make her decision, you could focus upon learning and applying some of the skills you've been reading about here. Those skills will really help you whatever you choose to do, so it wouldn't be wasted effort.

Having said all this, it's just my take and you really must do what's best for you.


Lifewriter

x

[AmIReadyForThis]

Thank you for the warm welcome Lifewriter,

Officially 1 week ago today, I learned I may become a father in July.

It is definitely daunting writing about my life in a forum where strangers can read it, but I do know by being a reader on this site the last few months that there are some very comforting people here and this community really treats everyone like family. That makes it a little easier.

I do understand the changes, the physical, emotional and mental exhaustion she is going through and with all the questions in her mind that "being together" isn't too high on the priority list. I do want to be there for her, with her, to comfort her when she isn't feeling well, rub her back, her feet, play with her hair and just kiss her goodnight and good morning.

This was a conversation from Sunday:

Me - "I know there are a run of thoughts and emotions you are experiencing right now. Let me know what you need from me, whatever you need. Be it a story to take your mind off things, for me to take a step back, or if you just need a laugh. Whatever you need from me don't be afraid to ask"

Her - "I will, thank you. You know, if I have this baby you will be 'stuck' with me in your life for the rest of our lives."

Me - (with a big smile) "I would very much enjoy having you in my life, baby nor no baby." She smiled back at me when I stated this. I then had to leave as I had football(soccer) match.

There have been some trying times over this last week, when I have been nothing but supportive and positive but have been met with backhanded comments and negative attitude. The talk on Sunday felt very positive, to me, and it showed me that when she is in a good mood, we can talk about things in a positive light.

How can I show support effectively without applying pressure?(I don't want to pressure her, pressure is not a good thing)

I believe I am ready to be a father, I hold a great job that pays well, I have an incredible base of friends, my family is very supportive and strong. And I believe she, even with BPD, will be a great mother. Her family is beyond supportive and I have seen her raise a puppy from week 1 of it's life(yes, I know babies are different than puppies but it's a good base to start with). I thank you for the questions Lifewriter, I have noted them down on my mobile and I will definitely spend time answering them.

You had mentioned you would have appreciated some reassurance that your boyfriend at the time, wanted you and the baby? How would you have liked him to have assured you of that? What could he have said to show you that he is there for you and the baby, other than the obvious "I'm here for you"?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi again AmIReadyForThis,

The things you said to your BPDxgf sound spot on to me. Well done. You have shown her that you want both her and the baby and that the one isn't dependent upon the other. I think you dealt with the situation very sensitively and I would have been absolutely delighted if my bf had responded in those terms.

You ask how you can support without applying pressure. Without knowing more about your relationship, I'm a bit in the dark, but I'd say don't initiate conversations about your future together, make it clear to her that when she's ready to talk about that, you'll be more than happy to do so and then drop the subject. In the meantime, focus upon enjoying time together and learning the relationship tools that will help to minimise future problems in your relationship such as and setting boundaries and limits. The people over on the 'Staying' board will be able to help with this.

Here are a couple of articles you might find helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Love Lifewriter

[AmIReadyForThis]

Thank you Lifewriter, your supportive and kind words brought tears to my eyes.

We have not spoken since Sunday, where I believed the conversation and interaction we had was positive. I had attempted contact Monday, text, with no response and I had called Tuesday with again no response. I did not try to contact her Wednesday.

I spent the weekend after we broke up at my grandparents farm. It was a very good weekend for me to get away and focus on me while spending time with my grandparents as well as time alone. On the 3 hour drive home from the farm, I made the choice to see my therapist, as I had when I lost my brother to illness several years ago. My exBPDgf does not know I've been seeing my therapist.

I have seen my therapist now 4 times since that weekend, twice since the pregnancy news, last Friday being the latest visit. Speaking with her helps me with me, however I've experienced panic attacks, twice at work and once at home since Sunday. I see my therapist tomorrow and feel afraid to tell her of the panic attacks. Heck, I feel shame admitting it here to be honest. I've never experienced anything quite like this. I thought I had been doing well with me, but these last three days of silence have been very difficult.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi AmIReadyForThis,

I think it's terribly sad that we bring boys up with the dictate that men must be 'strong' and then tell them that the way to do that is to repress their emotions, not show fear, not cry etc. So many men end up masquerading as something they are not or channeling all their emotions into anger as it's the only emotion that's socially acceptable for them. This just isn't good for mental health. It denies men access to the inbuilt healing mechanisms that all human beings possess. We tell our boys that men should be above normal human reactions which leads them to feel shame and inadequacy. This often prevents men from asking for the help they need - because they judge themselves harshly, they anticipate that judgment in others (sometimes rightly). However, I think the strongest and most courageous men are those who are willing and able to examine themselves and express the full range of their emotions.

I hear that you are concerned because you are experiencing panic attacks and also that you feel ashamed. However, the presence of panic attacks is not an indication of how well you are doing in life, perhaps they are simply a signpost that there are things that you could benefit from addressing.

I'd like to encourage you to be courageous again and admit this to your therapist because the more honest you are, the quicker you will see results.

I get the impression that you've already decided to tell her though... .good for you.

Love Lifewriter

[Turkish]

Hello AmIReadyForThis,

You've got a potentially life-changing event on your hands. It's tougher, even, given your strong feelings towards her. It's hard to seperate this. Though you can't ultimately direct what she does, it sounds like your preference is to be a father, in a r/s with her or not. We have a Co-parenting board here where you can find info and support,.should you become a father come summer.

What can you do n the interim? Learn about BPD from the resources here. Learn the communication tools to reduce conflict, because even if you aren't in a romantic r/s in the future, you'll still be in a relationship:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

As for seeing a therapist, I think that's great. I used to be "old school" dismissive of it, especially given my mother forcing me into T when I was 13, but it was such a support decades later to hear an objective voice give feedback. Something like panic attacks? I had those, too. Do you have anyone else in your life for support?

Turkish

[AmIReadyForThis]

Hi Turkish,

I do have a few close friends and family members for support. They have been very supportive in all of this, so far. I feel bad leaning on them so much though. Being alone with my thoughts is the worst. She still hasn't responded to my attempts of contact from early last week and it's been mentally exhausting trying to figure out why she has gone NC now after giving me this news. T wasn't a good session last week. Ugh! I'm so confused now  I miss her

[Turkish]

Glad you're back to check in 

What do you mean that the T session wasn't good?

The NC sounds brutal after dropping such big news onto you. Missing her is understandable. We can go round and round trying to figure out why someone else thinks the way in which they do. I can't give odds, but it's likely she may contact you at some point. Whether it's to reach out to the "good" AIRFT, or the "bad" AIRFT, based upon her perceptions and needs, is hard to say. Be ready for either. She's split you for her own reasons for now. See here for more on that... .

T.