Anyone ever want to contact a pwBPDs ex?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had been thinking about this months before our recent nc began. Part of me wants to know if he did the same to her? Has he always been like this( cheating, lying, depressed)? He told me he met her at a bar and went home with her and never left for almost 3 years! He said they fought a lot and he only moved out when she came and said she had a new boyfriend and he had to leave. I wonder how much truth there is to that. I think I would possibly feel better and who knows maybe she would too? Thoughts? Will I regret it? I think the 2 of them kept in contact until this summer actually. Now she has a new boyfriend and from what my ex told me she hasn't contacted him in months. It seemed to bother him.

[butterfly15]

I had been thinking about this months before our recent nc began. Part of me wants to know if he did the same to her? Has he always been like this( cheating, lying, depressed)? He told me he met her at a bar and went home with her and never left for almost 3 years! He said they fought a lot and he only moved out when she came and said she had a new boyfriend and he had to leave. I wonder how much truth there is to that. I think I would possibly feel better and who knows maybe she would too? Thoughts? Will I regret it? I think the 2 of them kept in contact until this summer actually. Now she has a new boyfriend and from what my ex told me she hasn't contacted him in months. It seemed to bother him.

[Confused?]

I think my ex keeps in contact with her exes. Even though she said they were horrible and abusive people. She contacts me every now and then. I was replaced twice and she contacts me still. Also she tells me the replacement is abusive and they aren't together. She was also talking to an ex before me. I'm pretty sure I have all the answers I need without contact. She says the same thing about every guy she ever dates and I'm sure they all get the same exact treatment from her. I'd rather not contact an ex of hers because of two reasons

1 I don't want to seem like a weirdo stalker. Plus I know exactly how she is because I saw it first hand.

2 99.9% of what came out of her mouth was a lie. If she didn't lie about her exes and the replacements then she left the best guy she will ever have.

This forum is validating enough for me. I don't need further proof of how she was from previous relationships.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Editing to answer the question.

Yes, I have entertained the thought.  Based on the story he told, I'm pretty sure he did the exact same thing to her.  I have one of her social media accounts located and could contact her if I wanted, but if it got back to him, it would no doubt cause a lot of trouble for me.

[guy4caligirl]

Confuse

Nicely and beautifully said !

Good for you !

[butterfly15]

Confused? I hesitate due to part of your #1. The stalker part

My ex didn't really tell me about any of his past relationships except that one and his marriage. He never asked about any of my past relationships. He told me he was better off not knowing. I was a clean slate.

I saw what he did to me. I just wanted validation I guess.

[Michelle27]

I did.  My ex (15 year relationship/marriage) and his first wife had a son together so for 15 years I acted as a step parent to him.  She and I didn't speak until she heard through a mutual friend that we had split up.  She wanted to talk to me.  I put it off for months in part because I was afraid I was going to hear exactly what I did... .that everything he ever told me about her (she was abusive, she kicked him out for no reason, etc.) was the opposite of the truth.  They only lasted 3.5 years together and in her words, "he couldn't tell the truth to save his life". 

In some ways, it was validating to hear what she had to say.  On the other hand, it was exhausting to have the conversations I've had with her because of how triggering it was.  I'm glad I did though and her and I can now go forward and I can have a relationship with my stepson through her since my ex seems to have disappeared off the planet aside from a short visit with his son once in the past 5 months and a total of 5.5 hours over 2 visits with our daughter. 

[hashtag_loyal]

I think Confused's answer is perfect.

I would also like to add why this is a bad idea: If any of our ex's exes have managed to detach and move on, is it really fair to them to pull them back onto the crazy train that is the BPD Express?

[butterfly15]

I think Confused's answer is perfect.

I would also like to add why this is a bad idea: If any of our ex's exes have managed to detach and move on, is it really fair to them to pull them back onto the crazy train that is the BPD Express?

I hesitate for a variety of reasons. This is another one of them. Although based on her social media posts I don't think she ever did. Also, I wouldn't want it to get back to him. I most likely won't. A thought.

[Little oak]

I wanted to contact my ex's partner and tell him the horrible things she told me. I pity the guy he clearly is totally unaware but they have children together and I do t want to destroy the relationship for the sake of the children.

Do or did they treat the ex's the same... .the answer is yes... .my ex partners father in law told me her behaviour was exactly the same before,it would appear she lashes out,relationship ends then she moves. I'm guessing the home we had and they had together are triggers. I got kicked out and had to sleep rough on a few occasions,she did the same to her ex. She bad mouthed him to me and she now bad mouths me to others... .she bad mouthed friends who she now has befriended... .you get the picture guys... .the patterns repeat and will continue to repeat,it was kind of validating him volunteering this information to me

[CharWood]

Oh heck yeah I thought about it! But, I did research. I asked questions to mutual friends and my ex's cousin, whom I have become close with. I checked out the exes' facebook profiles and I saw a pattern... .they are all mostly bottom-feeders, adult children, or have mental issues themselves. I am a major deviation from the type of person she normally dates. There is no one in her past like me. Plus, I am her longest relationship... .ever... .I am the first person she did not physically cheat on. So, honestly, talking to her ex's would not be very useful to me... they are all on her level and did not last very long anyhow. I did find out that, the only other long relationship she had before me (2 years) included her wacked out BPD behavior as well and she did physically cheat on this person. So there you have it. sometimes research is better.

[Little oak]

I should also add she was married and in a relationship with her ex for 4 years... .I just remembered now her telling me that on the day of her wedding she told her friend she didn't want to go through with it but did anyway,never forget when she told her ex she and I had met he came to the house and we all sat round the table talking,my understanding was we were all trying to be civil because the children were important in all of it... .poor guy broke down crying,she put it down to him attention seeking,she showed no compassion. Cold and heartless ... .that was my taster of what was to follow for me.

[SummerStorm]

I was already in contact with my former friend BPD's now ex-boyfriend when they were together because, on the day she tried to commit suicide, he kept me updated on how she was until I could make it to the hospital.  Then, once she discarded me and painted me black, I kept in contact with him because she had borrowed things from me and I wanted them back.  Eventually, she told him I was crazy and told him not to contact me. 

Once she broke up with him, she contacted me again.  A month later, she discarded me again, and I decided to get into contact with him, to find out exactly how bad she was.  The information I learned from him was shocking, to say the least.  She admitted to me once that she had slapped him when she was drunk, but he told me that she physically attacked him many more times after that.  She told me that she didn't think it was practical to smoke pot every day.  He told me that she smoked every day, all day.  She made herself out to be this person who cooks and cleans all the time, but the truth is that she was, in his words, a "pig." 

I also found out about some of her lies and had a lot of questions answered.  So, it was very helpful.

But again, I was already in contact with him.  Also, when I contacted him, she still had some of her stuff at his place, and the day before I contacted him, she robbed him, so he was angry and ready to tell someone the truth about what he'd been going through for months, as he didn't really tell anyone.

I'm still in contact with him, but we don't text as often as we had been.  He never researched BPD, even after she was diagnosed in June, so I've been giving him some advice and preparing him for what to expect if she ever contacts him again, as I've been through that and know how awful it can be. 

I wouldn't search out any of her other exes, but he and I experienced everything (idealization, devaluation, cutting, a suicide attempt) at the same time.  Also, she almost made him lose his house because she decided she wanted to move across the country and then changed her mind, and she convinced me she wanted to live with me and then changed her mind, so we were both screwed over by her.   

[Beach_Babe]

My ex's ex (i.e.: my replacement) contacted me and I did not think she was a weirdo or stalker. I felt empathy knowing that lowlife put her through the exact same thing.

[butterfly15]

My ex's ex (i.e.: my replacement) contacted me and I did not think she was a weirdo or stalker. I felt empathy knowing that lowlife put her through the exact same thing.

I feel I would maybe bring my ex's ex relief knowing its a pattern. I dont think she ever let go. I hope I am able. It's tough some days and its only been 2 weeks of NC. It feels like months.