bff update: this is US

[DearBFF]

The short version... ."boyfriend past" is still in the picture as a friend and she says anything more is a mistake... ."boyfriend present" is here (hopefully to stay I really, really like him)... .and then there is US.

BFF didn't contact me for over 2 months, and near the tail end of that I attended a mutual friend's birthday party with my family, and her behavior was immature to say the least (she was dealing with stuff, but still no excuse).  Since then she has reached out and reconnected.  At first it was a bit awkward, trying to figure out what it was she wanted I guess, then I slowly came to realize she didn't seem to need me to be anything other than me.  It's like she's reached this odd plateau of just being, but with out as much push and pull.  It's been a few months now.  Sometime I still have trouble getting a hold of her, but I try once or twice and then let her come to me; she almost always gets back in touch before I try beyond that so I don't feel like I have to chase her as much which is great.  We make plans somewhat regularly every other week, sometimes every week, sometimes just us and sometimes us and the munchkins.  We have sleepovers, and they are fun!  The kids enjoy their time and we watch movies and have outings, eat meals together, and play games.

She is still BPD, which I am convinced of and always will be, but she is having much less of the behaviors I found so troubling before.  Just before she contacted me again she switched back to some meds she was taking when we first met, and in a lot of ways she's more of her old self.  Nothing and no one is perfect, but it's the version I got to know nearer to the beginning before the extremes.  The extremes are still there, but in much more manageable areas.  For instance if she is upset about something she has her freak out, but it isn't directed AT me, or my daughter.  Unfortunately, it is sometimes directed at her daughter, and sometimes at no one in particular, or someone who is not there.  She has them, I validate what I can, but generally stay quiet, engage the girls in conversation and we move on.  She gets it out of her system so so speak and we move on.

She explains a lot more which helps... .I've realized one reason we had trouble making plans is that she gets anxiety.  So she talked to me about it, she likes leaving it lose and so I now only make plans on days/nights I have nothing else going on.  This way if they fall through no problem, if they get pushed back no problem, etc.  This is fine with me because if munchkin and I are just sitting around at home reading books, watching tv, and fitting in schoolwork here and there we're up for an outing or company whenever.  :-)

Would I choose to have a BFF I know I could count on with anything, anytime, and never have to second guess it, ABSOLUTELY.  However, I don't love that imaginary person I do not have a connection or history with, I love my BFF.  She may never be that person, then again one day she may; nobody knows for sure.  What I do know is that I enjoy her company, she doesn't require more than I can give and I try not to require too much from her either.  She fits nicely in my life when she wants to be there, and if I just can't here or there, I say no, and she does the same and we're both fine with that.

My daughter loves her "aunt" as she calls her (in spite of everything, she has my heart), and I love her daughter like my "niece" and I hope we go on like this and I lose count of how long it's been.  I feel like it's too soon for that as she seems to only make it months at a time without losing people, but she seems so different now, so much more stable I have hope.  It's like I've lost that holding my breathe feeling that I used to have, will she or won't she.  Now I'm just like, well if she does, that's ok I have other things to do.  I will miss her/them, so will my daughter, it will suck, but we'll be fine.  I cannot and will not cut out a relationship that brings myself and my daughter so much joy, especially when the ups and downs have been so minimal lately.  One day that may change, but for now, we're happy and enjoying being US.

Does anyone else feel like that, like with their BPD diagnosed/trait person they are an US?  Basically you get it, others don't, so that's the only way you can describe it?  Or is it just me... .

I hope you all have been well and I wish you  and kindness to those of you who are going through things right now.

Take care, and thanks for reading!

[Kwamina]

Hi DearBFF

Thanks for this latest update. I am glad you've been well and that your friend has been more stable.

She has switched back to her old meds and they seem to have a positive effect on her. Is she also still getting therapy?

Unfortunately, it is sometimes directed at her daughter, and sometimes at no one in particular, or someone who is not there.

This is very sad though that her 'freak out' is sometimes directed at her little girl. I can imagine how confusing this must be for her daughter and also quite hurtful.

She explains a lot more which helps... .I've realized one reason we had trouble making plans is that she gets anxiety.  So she talked to me about it, she likes leaving it lose and so I now only make plans on days/nights I have nothing else going on.  This way if they fall through no problem, if they get pushed back no problem, etc.  This is fine with me because if munchkin and I are just sitting around at home reading books, watching tv, and fitting in schoolwork here and there we're up for an outing or company whenever.  :-)

This definitely sounds like significant progress that she's better able to communicate about her feelings and experiences now Now that you know about her anxiety, this makes it somewhat easier to understand some of her behavior and how to deal with it.

Would I choose to have a BFF I know I could count on with anything, anytime, and never have to second guess it, ABSOLUTELY.  However, I don't love that imaginary person I do not have a connection or history with, I love my BFF.  She may never be that person, then again one day she may; nobody knows for sure.  What I do know is that I enjoy her company, she doesn't require more than I can give and I try not to require too much from her either.  She fits nicely in my life when she wants to be there, and if I just can't here or there, I say no, and she does the same and we're both fine with that.

There is always hope. What is important for us is that we have a realistic hope based in the reality of what we know about BPD. If we are able to (radically) accept that reality, we can than try to find ways to optimize our interactions with our BPD loved ones within the context of that reality.

You take care too and thanks for sharing

[DearBFF]

Thank you so very much, Kwamina!   

Oddly enough I had my last visit with the therapist I was seeing and asked me the same thing, and I know she sees a psychiatrist, but I think that's it.  I know she talks with him, but I'm not sure how open she is with him.  The therapists opinion is that she should be admitted, but honestly seeing her turnaround the last month she's happier than I've seen her in a long while.  There are definitely things that upset her, especially that have caused her pain that she hasn't dealt with so talking with someone more could help but that of course is up to her.

Her daughter seems to go a few different ways with it.  The tears are almost nonexistent which is somewhat off putting for a 3 year old to almost never cry.  Also, she sometimes just stares at you while you are trying to correct her behavior.  I honestly believe since I scream/yell at her she is just tuning me out.  She does something I don't agree with and my daughter understands when I explain, but BFF's daughter just stares at me.  I'll ask her why she did it and she just says "I don't know."  I'm at a loss as to discuss it further with her as it's always something trivial, and I think it may be the age too.  I remember my munchkin doing things to sort of test the limits of things, also just to test the item and see what happens when she throws it, kicks, it, etc. for fun.  Plus this is only an issue on the few times I have her to myself, and that's rare as we usually all hang out together so if something needs correcting BFF does it.

The talking helps SOO much!  I cannot even express it... .I actually recently wrote her a thank you note, which I know sounds odd, but she deserved one.  I mentioned everything in it she's been doing lately that I have found positive and makes me happy, and as a result she does it more.  She will explain, she will make tentative plans (and we both understand they may change last minute and that's ok as I never schedule when I have something else going on), and she gets in touch in different ways to let me know she's thinking of me and tells me she appreciates me.  It may sound a bit like the idealization at the beginning, but this is so different.  Instead of "you are a saint" she says things like "I am so lucky to have a friend like you, thank you for sticking with me, I love you."  While I know I may never be able to count on her, she's surprised me, even offering to bring me anything I needed on her day off when I was sick.  I didn't take her up on it (honestly I think I didn't want to for fear she may not follow through, but also hubby was home sick too and we didn't need anything), however for her to even have the thought cross her mind and mention it when she has gotten in touch with me just to say hello is unheard of in the past year.

What you say makes so much sense, about (radically) accepting the situation for what it is, that's absolutely true.  In my heart I will always have hope she will be my best friend when I am 50 and we will enjoy our time together, and travel together, and talk about our girls together.  It may never happen, but I know that if it does that would be great, but also that if it doesn't that's ok too.  I won't hold my breath that it will, but I'll always keep my fingers crossed.   

Thank you and you take care too!

Thanks for your wonderful feedback and all of the time you spend helping us out here on these boards!

[support seeker]

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