My wife wants a divorce she has BPD

[jhum10]

My wife of 15 years wants a divorce and I just found out through our mutual counselor she has BPD not only BPD but she also has ADHD which she is aware of that. Our relationship has had so many good time and bad times. So much resentment has built up for both of us that we just pushed each other away. About 2 months ago she started feeling distant finally I asked her what was going on she said she was DONE she doesn't love me can't love me and never will love me again. I know these are not her true feelings but I don't think she knows any other way to fix it. Meanwhile I started going to my counselor we had used in the past for a short time. As I explained all that has been going on he started putting pieces together. Then she told me that she was going to seek out a different counselor I figure there was no chance at that point. But all of a sudden one day she told me I'm going to go to the same counselor it was a huge relief to me!  Immediately he started to key in on what her issues are its BPD. Now I don't know what to do because I gave her the space she requested and let her move out now I feel helpless. My counselor said it will take time just to be patient and let him do his job. We have 2 boys together 13 and 10 and they see it in her too they ask me why is mom so angry what happened to our old mom she isn't the same person etc. I'm just at a loss that I know what is wrong with her and she doesn't know it yet. While she was preparing herself to move out she became almost narcissistic the could only think of herself ignoring her kids and everyone around her. Now she has been out for 2 days and I'm hoping it all hits her hard but I cannot control her either. I love her so very much I just feel helpless. I sit here and think maybe I'm better without her but that's not what's in my heart

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[Stolen]

Jhum,

I was married 18 years when I heard the same speech.  2 daughters - at the time 11 and 13.  In my case it got worse.  Much worse.

Great that you are seeing a counselor who understands BPD - are your boys also getting counseling? 

Regarding your wife - BPD usually does not appear out of the blue - were there past events that now make sense? Depression, rage, etc.?  And - what are/were her parents like - particularly her mother?

Since she has opened the divorce subject, it would be smart to speak to a lawyer, at least for an initial consultation which is usually no charge.  Protect your finances, and most of all protect your children.

[jhum10]

Yes I took my boys to my counselor once with another appointment soon. There are a lot of things that make sense also explains a lot of my resentment. Her mother is a VERY controlling woman which also makes a lot of sense now. She flies off the handle all the time.  I love my wife and I'm trying to fight for her to save the marriage and my counselor thinks if he works with her he can help her. I just don't know if it is worth it? How did your situation end up?

[jhum10]

Funny thing is she was pushing divorce until I bought her a house temporarily now she is so busy with that she hasn't even mentioned it I just don't know what to do

[formflier]

Funny thing is she was pushing divorce until I bought her a house temporarily now she is so busy with that she hasn't even mentioned it I just don't know what to do

                I'm glad you are here.  This is fresh and raw.    Listen to your counselor and give him time.  YOU need to be reading lessons and getting smart on BPD.  Fast!            

FF

[Stolen]

I can see the new house working for a time - distractions are one way to head off the dis-ease that BPDs are prone to. Building a home, having kids, career progression, these seemed to all keep my xW busy enough to be on a functional, if not happy,  plain.  Funny - in my case there was also the emerging quest for a new house - one that "would make people wonder - what do they do?".  We already had a beautiful house, easily managed and afforded. I resisted that "upgrade", and it was probably another nail in the coffin.  So you seem to have handled that better!

Use the time it bought to bring the therapy to bear - having a professional who understands BPD (and related PDs), and having your wife engaged in the process is a huge plus. My xW would never consider therapy. Never.

Mind the MIL angle - In my case that is where I believe the PD stemmed from. Not just "controlling", but downright evil.  For 20+ years xW constantly gave me credit "if not for Stolen, I'd be just like my mother... ", and then the switch was flicked and she projected her mother issues on to me - I was the one who was "controlling", even though I still can't fathom what it was that I ever controlled... .

And I too was determined to love my xW through her crisis. Didn't work.  Read what the smart people on this site write about - particularly about having firm boundaries.  Love alone won't do it.  Boundaries may be resisted as "control", but appeasement didn't work for Chamberlain, and it won't work for you. 

Did I mention - protect your finances and your children?

[Herodias]

Boundaries didn't work for me either... .he just took as I was too controlling. Sorry for you... .it is really a tough battle. I am heartbroken as we sold our home only 2 years after we bought it! I think it was a trigger for him somehow, because that's when he got worse. I think he thought he had to "keep up with the Joneses."  Very sad... .learn what you can.

[formflier]

Boundaries didn't work for me either, he just took as I was too controlling.   

         Curious if you could expand on "boundaries not working for you".  If done properly a boundary will almost always work for you, because you control all aspects of it.  If you don't, very likely you are not doing a boundary correctly.  Other people are allowed to evaluate your boundaries however they want, that is their choice, their opinion.  It's not their boundary.          

FF

[Herodias]

It's very possible I did them wrong... .I was just learning about BPD in the last 6 months of our marriage. I always asked him to not do certain things like - flirt with women and drive drunk and more... .He just did whatever he wanted. Like a big kid... .having to learn lessons all the time. Lots of lessons! I could have been a bit less controlling about little things, but the big things I felt I had no control or was able to talk him into behaving differently. More than likely it was the alcohol that was part of the problem.