Shambles introduction: my story

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

I was encouraged to post an introduction on the message boards. I am calling myself shambles, so... .you know. I'm not even sure I'm in the right place, and I know you aren't psychologists, but I'd at least like to get some clarity.

First off: the person I'm calling my SO is a man I had an affair with. We were both with other people when we met. You can skip the part between *** if you have no patience for the long version.

***

I would say that he seduced me, and that it was the most intense chemistry I'd ever had with anyone. About 6 months in, he called it quits with his wife and told me he was "all in." I was not able to break up with my boyfriend. Yes, I have a lot of issues myself. That is another story. (Though I just had a battery of psych tests, after much therapy for depression, and was assured I do not have a personality disorder, fwiw! Hah.) Anyhow, he stayed living with his wife for almost a year after they split, and we kept seeing each other when we could (we lived in different cities). Then he moved into his own place. He asked me many times to choose him.

I was stuck. It felt like someone was asking me to cut off either my right hand or my left hand. The other man cried and threatened suicide when I tried to break it off. I also loved my current bf, though not so much romantically. He was like the good parent I'd never had. But I was crazy in love with my lover. He, on the other hand, had hated his wife. He had taken on a totally false life, false values, to make her happy. Meeting me, he said, had shown him that he had to go back to his real self, his core person. He'd mapped onto me totally, in a way he would never map onto another human being. If I didn't choose him, he'd have to find another woman. He would lie and tell her he loved her, but he would not be able to fool himself. These are things he said.

It was a sad, awful, hurtful situation, and I totally accept my responsibility and the hurt I caused these good people. I can explain, but I can't excuse.

Me and my lover were on and off for 2.5 years in all. I'll skip all the details. for several months I knew he was trying to get over me, and the romantic part of our friendship went silent. We were still in communication, though--emails, phone calls, texts, a private blog. Without more elaboration, I will say that, yes, I was still on a Capital P pedestal. There were flare-ups of the romance, but we were moving to a friend footing.

Then one day about a year ago we were g-chatting and he asked, suddenly, would I be mad if he started seeing someone else? Well, I was crushed, but I knew I had no right to get in his way, so I said I would not be mad. I said I'd be sad, but not angry. I asked if he was seeing someone, and he said, "Hah! No!" During the chat, he suggested I break up with my bf, that I should be with someone "more like me." That I should move to the town where he lived--not to be with him, but because my family is there. He made me promise we would always be close, close friends. We signed off with him saying "pet pet, stalwart always."

Then he stopped answering emails for a few days. Very unlike him. So I wrote and asked if something was the matter.

He replied: "Nothing's wrong. I'm just busy, and happy in a new relationship."

I felt blindsided. I asked him to call me. He wouldn't. I wrote him the next day and said I felt I deserved a phone call, after all that had passed between us.

The next day, he finally responded over email. He unleashed a totally unprecedented torrent of anger at me.  He told me I could go f*ck myself if I thought I was any kind of victim, he saw the situation for what it was now, I'd left him dangling for two and a half years, etc. etc. I had never thought of either of us as a victim. Then he said maybe we shouldn't talk for a while. It would be no different than it had been anyhow. This confused me, since in fact we'd been in constant contact.  But I couldn't even muster the strength to argue. I just told him I wished him well and that he'd been my great love. "You too," he said. "All of it."

Then he blocked me on chat and, it turned out, email, and probably phone.

I truly had loved him and had suffered for not being able to go to him, even as he suffered waiting for me. I blamed myself totally for the crazy, exploding grief I felt at knowing he was with someone else. I tried to imagine her but couldn't. Suddenly I had the courage to choose him. Only a few months earlier he had told me he still wanted to be with me. A month earlier he'd tried to get me to go home with him. How deep could this new relationship have gotten in that time? THERE MUST STILL BE HOPE!

I know this is a screwed up story, and I don't expect sympathy. Reading it over a year later, I can't believe I got involved in such a melodrama. This is not me. Not at all.

***

I did it at last: broke up with my partner of 8 years. It was a nightmare for both of us, but I did it. I wanted to be able to offer myself free and clear. I moved to my brother's house in the town where my lover lived.   I was blocked everywhere, so I wrote him a letter apologizing as completely and thoughtfully as I could for having caused him such pain. I didn't offer an excuse, but I reminded him that I'd been raised in a situation with very ambiguous ties to my loved ones, and I admitted that this had interfered with my treatment of him.

I pledged myself. I told him if he chose me we could take it slow, rebuild trust. Now it was his turn. I asked him to choose me. I put it in the mail, and then I wrote another letter--a love letter--and mailed that too.

Well, he called me up and thanked me. More stuff to skip if you don't want the long version:

******

He told me he'd never had to work so hard to get over someone. "I have abandonment issues," he said. But he'd done months of CBT and run 8 miles a day, and he'd done it. He was clearly proud of this. He said felt he was a different person now, and that he didn't want to be so open anymore. He revealed that his new gf was someone we both knew--someone he had often spoken of with contempt, actually, and who is much younger (at least 15 years). He was audibly nervous. I held my tongue. He said they'd gotten together a few weeks before our last chat. They'd bonded over mutual heartbreaks. He said couldn't "do anything" with me as long as he was in a relationship, because he wanted to be totally honest now.

I said I wasn't asking him to cheat on her. I was asking him to choose me over her. Since he was now being totally honest, I assumed he'd told her about me. No, he said, he told her all the heartbreak, but he'd said it was about his ex-wife. Wow.

He didn't choose me. But he didn't NOT choose me, either. It was "while"-- leaving the door open.

*****

So he didn't choose me. But we were back in touch. We were going to be working on a friendship.

Then came 2 months of off and on communication. He sent me an email about a dream he had, which was clearly about me and which indicated all kinds of lingering resentment. I said it seemed like we had more to talk about, and that we should get together in person. He said he'd find a time,  but he was being very erratic. He'd be avoidant at times, blathering about irrelevant things, complaining about his job and the other "bummers" in his life, psychoanalyzing his own "object/attachment" problems, but never mentioning the fact that my life had completely blown apart. It was very weird. Finally I just came out with it and said I needed him to say whether he ever planned on talking to me in person. He didn't have to commit to a time, just state an intent. He wrote back about something totally different--just small talk. I wrote and said I was concerned that he seemed unable to acknowledge my feelings at all. He wrote back with more small talk. No mention of meeting up, or of what I'd been going through--which was, by the way, a nightmare. I was trying to be a good sport in our emails because I didn't want to turn him off (!), but at that point I was sleeping about 3 hrs a night and I'd lost 15 lbs.

I gave up at that point and let the conversation die. A few weeks late, on his birthday, I wrote to say happy birthday. I said it felt weird not being friends anymore but that I guessed I could still wish him a happy birthday.

He seemed pleased to hear from me. "Aren't we still friends?" he asked. "I thought we were friends. After all, I sent the last message in that conversation."

I told him I had let him know a few things i needed, to feel there was a friendship, and I'd taken his non-response as an answer.

I got another one-line reply: "I must have missed that email, because I wasn't aware of the terms and conditions." Never heard again. No response to my follow-up email.

I spent seven months in agony. I guess I don't have to tell you about that. I could not stop prosecuting myself for what I'd done to him. I was wracked with grief and remorse, wondering if he was still with the girl, if he was waiting to hear from me, if he still loved me at all. Running all the scenarios through my head.

I was seeing a therapist twice a week. The whole thing had cracked me open, reopened every wound I had from my own sad childhood, which included being abandoned by my mother, and my father dying when I was 14, and no parents at all after that, and all the guilt I felt over not taking better care of my father when he was dying, etc. etc.

Then seven months later I learned through a mutual friend that he'd moved in with the girl he was seeing a few weeks after that last email. They'd been seeing each other for 4 months. I knew it was time to stop hoping. I wrote him a short, polite email telling him I was going to take down our secret blog, just in case there was any writing on there he wanted to keep. He wrote back a polite email saying go ahead, a little friendly chitchat, and that was it.

So... .I am asking, in your opinion how likely is it that this man even has borderline personality disorder? I only began to suspect it after the break, but so does every spurned lover, right?

He had had an unbelievably brutal childhood, which included regular beatings by his stepfather, being told he was possessed by the devil, extreme poverty and social isolation, more.

He became a junkie almost as soon as he left home, and then 10 years later cleaned up to marry the woman who had "warped" his life with her materialistic values. Throughout it all he had kept working, building himself up to a level of high accomplishment against seemingly unconquerable odds to become a very highly paid professional.

He is a chameleon. As he himself says, a master of the 10 minute relationship--i.e. charming strangers in stores and parks.

He worshipped me. I believe I experienced what is called "love bombing." I was on the highest of pedestals. And then... .complete hostility and freeze-out. Then back and forth, then permanent freeze-out.

The woman he once mocked moved in with him after a few months of dating. I assume he love bombed her as well.

I discovered that he'd told people we weren't in touch, even when we were still communicating almost daily--before the rupture. And he told ME we hadn't been communicating--against all existing records. There are other similar reality gaps.

When we'd been together, if I was late or had to reschedule it would be World War 3. Not so if it was him.

Those times when we argued, he would either erupt and then retreat or start talking about something completely different.

I haven't seen him in person in over a year now, haven't had a relationship with him in 11 months, and I'm still wrecked. I've written way too much. I'm sorry. I don't know if it even matters, but was I dealing with BPD?

Maybe, if that's what it was, someone could help me out here... .help me deal with all the remorse I feel about hurting him so badly.

I can't even read over this. Just hitting post.

[steelwork]

Hello everyone,

I was encouraged to post an introduction on the message boards. I am calling myself shambles, so... .you know. I'm not even sure I'm in the right place, and I know you aren't psychologists, but I'd at least like to get some clarity.

First off: the person I'm calling my SO is a man I had an affair with. We were both with other people when we met. You can skip the part between *** if you have no patience for the long version.

***

I would say that he seduced me, and that it was the most intense chemistry I'd ever had with anyone. About 6 months in, he called it quits with his wife and told me he was "all in." I was not able to break up with my boyfriend. Yes, I have a lot of issues myself. That is another story. (Though I just had a battery of psych tests, after much therapy for depression, and was assured I do not have a personality disorder, fwiw! Hah.) Anyhow, he stayed living with his wife for almost a year after they split, and we kept seeing each other when we could (we lived in different cities). Then he moved into his own place. He asked me many times to choose him.

I was stuck. It felt like someone was asking me to cut off either my right hand or my left hand. The other man cried and threatened suicide when I tried to break it off. I also loved my current bf, though not so much romantically. He was like the good parent I'd never had. But I was crazy in love with my lover. He, on the other hand, had hated his wife. He had taken on a totally false life, false values, to make her happy. Meeting me, he said, had shown him that he had to go back to his real self, his core person. He'd mapped onto me totally, in a way he would never map onto another human being. If I didn't choose him, he'd have to find another woman. He would lie and tell her he loved her, but he would not be able to fool himself. These are things he said.

It was a sad, awful, hurtful situation, and I totally accept my responsibility and the hurt I caused these good people. I can explain, but I can't excuse.

Me and my lover were on and off for 2.5 years in all. I'll skip all the details. for several months I knew he was trying to get over me, and the romantic part of our friendship went silent. We were still in communication, though--emails, phone calls, texts, a private blog. Without more elaboration, I will say that, yes, I was still on a Capital P pedestal. There were flare-ups of the romance, but we were moving to a friend footing.

Then one day about a year ago we were g-chatting and he asked, suddenly, would I be mad if he started seeing someone else? Well, I was crushed, but I knew I had no right to get in his way, so I said I would not be mad. I said I'd be sad, but not angry. I asked if he was seeing someone, and he said, "Hah! No!" During the chat, he suggested I break up with my bf, that I should be with someone "more like me." That I should move to the town where he lived--not to be with him, but because my family is there. He made me promise we would always be close, close friends. We signed off with him saying "pet pet, stalwart always."

Then he stopped answering emails for a few days. Very unlike him. So I wrote and asked if something was the matter.

He replied: "Nothing's wrong. I'm just busy, and happy in a new relationship."

I felt blindsided. I asked him to call me. He wouldn't. I wrote him the next day and said I felt I deserved a phone call, after all that had passed between us.

The next day, he finally responded over email. He unleashed a totally unprecedented torrent of anger at me.  He told me I could go f*ck myself if I thought I was any kind of victim, he saw the situation for what it was now, I'd left him dangling for two and a half years, etc. etc. I had never thought of either of us as a victim. Then he said maybe we shouldn't talk for a while. It would be no different than it had been anyhow. This confused me, since in fact we'd been in constant contact.  But I couldn't even muster the strength to argue. I just told him I wished him well and that he'd been my great love. "You too," he said. "All of it."

Then he blocked me on chat and, it turned out, email, and probably phone.

I truly had loved him and had suffered for not being able to go to him, even as he suffered waiting for me. I blamed myself totally for the crazy, exploding grief I felt at knowing he was with someone else. I tried to imagine her but couldn't. Suddenly I had the courage to choose him. Only a few months earlier he had told me he still wanted to be with me. A month earlier he'd tried to get me to go home with him. How deep could this new relationship have gotten in that time? THERE MUST STILL BE HOPE!

I know this is a screwed up story, and I don't expect sympathy. Reading it over a year later, I can't believe I got involved in such a melodrama. This is not me. Not at all.

***

I did it at last: broke up with my partner of 8 years. It was a nightmare for both of us, but I did it. I wanted to be able to offer myself free and clear. I moved to my brother's house in the town where my lover lived.   I was blocked everywhere, so I wrote him a letter apologizing as completely and thoughtfully as I could for having caused him such pain. I didn't offer an excuse, but I reminded him that I'd been raised in a situation with very ambiguous ties to my loved ones, and I admitted that this had interfered with my treatment of him.

I pledged myself. I told him if he chose me we could take it slow, rebuild trust. Now it was his turn. I asked him to choose me. I put it in the mail, and then I wrote another letter--a love letter--and mailed that too.

Well, he called me up and thanked me. More stuff to skip if you don't want the long version:

******

He told me he'd never had to work so hard to get over someone. "I have abandonment issues," he said. But he'd done months of CBT and run 8 miles a day, and he'd done it. He was clearly proud of this. He said felt he was a different person now, and that he didn't want to be so open anymore. He revealed that his new gf was someone we both knew--someone he had often spoken of with contempt, actually, and who is much younger (at least 15 years). He was audibly nervous. I held my tongue. He said they'd gotten together a few weeks before our last chat. They'd bonded over mutual heartbreaks. He said couldn't "do anything" with me as long as he was in a relationship, because he wanted to be totally honest now.

I said I wasn't asking him to cheat on her. I was asking him to choose me over her. Since he was now being totally honest, I assumed he'd told her about me. No, he said, he told her all the heartbreak, but he'd said it was about his ex-wife. Wow.

He didn't choose me. But he didn't NOT choose me, either. It was "while"-- leaving the door open.

*****

So he didn't choose me. But we were back in touch. We were going to be working on a friendship.

Then came 2 months of off and on communication. He sent me an email about a dream he had, which was clearly about me and which indicated all kinds of lingering resentment. I said it seemed like we had more to talk about, and that we should get together in person. He said he'd find a time,  but he was being very erratic. He'd be avoidant at times, blathering about irrelevant things, complaining about his job and the other "bummers" in his life, psychoanalyzing his own "object/attachment" problems, but never mentioning the fact that my life had completely blown apart. It was very weird. Finally I just came out with it and said I needed him to say whether he ever planned on talking to me in person. He didn't have to commit to a time, just state an intent. He wrote back about something totally different--just small talk. I wrote and said I was concerned that he seemed unable to acknowledge my feelings at all. He wrote back with more small talk. No mention of meeting up, or of what I'd been going through--which was, by the way, a nightmare. I was trying to be a good sport in our emails because I didn't want to turn him off (!), but at that point I was sleeping about 3 hrs a night and I'd lost 15 lbs.

I gave up at that point and let the conversation die. A few weeks late, on his birthday, I wrote to say happy birthday. I said it felt weird not being friends anymore but that I guessed I could still wish him a happy birthday.

He seemed pleased to hear from me. "Aren't we still friends?" he asked. "I thought we were friends. After all, I sent the last message in that conversation."

I told him I had let him know a few things i needed, to feel there was a friendship, and I'd taken his non-response as an answer.

I got another one-line reply: "I must have missed that email, because I wasn't aware of the terms and conditions." Never heard again. No response to my follow-up email.

I spent seven months in agony. I guess I don't have to tell you about that. I could not stop prosecuting myself for what I'd done to him. I was wracked with grief and remorse, wondering if he was still with the girl, if he was waiting to hear from me, if he still loved me at all. Running all the scenarios through my head.

I was seeing a therapist twice a week. The whole thing had cracked me open, reopened every wound I had from my own sad childhood, which included being abandoned by my mother, and my father dying when I was 14, and no parents at all after that, and all the guilt I felt over not taking better care of my father when he was dying, etc. etc.

Then seven months later I learned through a mutual friend that he'd moved in with the girl he was seeing a few weeks after that last email. They'd been seeing each other for 4 months. I knew it was time to stop hoping. I wrote him a short, polite email telling him I was going to take down our secret blog, just in case there was any writing on there he wanted to keep. He wrote back a polite email saying go ahead, a little friendly chitchat, and that was it.

So... .I am asking, in your opinion how likely is it that this man even has borderline personality disorder? I only began to suspect it after the break, but so does every spurned lover, right?

He had had an unbelievably brutal childhood, which included regular beatings by his stepfather, being told he was possessed by the devil, extreme poverty and social isolation, more.

He became a junkie almost as soon as he left home, and then 10 years later cleaned up to marry the woman who had "warped" his life with her materialistic values. Throughout it all he had kept working, building himself up to a level of high accomplishment against seemingly unconquerable odds to become a very highly paid professional.

He is a chameleon. As he himself says, a master of the 10 minute relationship--i.e. charming strangers in stores and parks.

He worshipped me. I believe I experienced what is called "love bombing." I was on the highest of pedestals. And then... .complete hostility and freeze-out. Then back and forth, then permanent freeze-out.

The woman he once mocked moved in with him after a few months of dating. I assume he love bombed her as well.

I discovered that he'd told people we weren't in touch, even when we were still communicating almost daily--before the rupture. And he told ME we hadn't been communicating--against all existing records. There are other similar reality gaps.

When we'd been together, if I was late or had to reschedule it would be World War 3. Not so if it was him.

Those times when we argued, he would either erupt and then retreat or start talking about something completely different.

I haven't seen him in person in over a year now, haven't had a relationship with him in 11 months, and I'm still wrecked. I've written way too much. I'm sorry. I don't know if it even matters, but was I dealing with BPD?

Maybe, if that's what it was, someone could help me out here... .help me deal with all the remorse I feel about hurting him so badly.

I can't even read over this. Just hitting post.

[steelwork]

I'm sorry. I know that was way too long, and confusing. But I would really be grateful if someone could give me some insight about whether I'm even dealing with a personality disorder.

Reality gaps and unwillingness to stay on an uncomfortable topic

Empathy problems

Jeckyl and Hyde behavior

Weird lies

Freeze-out

Really brutal history of childhood abuse

Self-proclaimed abandonment issues

Ex-junkie

Maleable personality

Extreme valuation of his professional achievements

Love-bombed and put me on a pedestal

That's the stuff, right?

There's so much advice (not here, in general about breakups) that seems geared toward making you forget the person, diminish their importance in your heart. I can't bear it, even a year later. It's what he did to me! Erased me from his hard drive!

[C.Stein]

Welcome to the land of BPD discards.  No one here can tell you if he has BPD or not.  He certainly does seem to exhibit some of the traits, but a professional evaluation is the only way to be certain.  Regardless of if he does or not, the behavior seems typical to a pwBPD. 

I have been deleted too and it hurts like hell.  I am so very sorry you are having to go through this.  I know it is incredibly painful and crushing.  Know you have support here to help you get through this ... .you are not alone.   

[steelwork]

Thank you. It'll be a year coming up soon, and I can't believe how raw I still feel. I know an emotionally healthy person would not be this raw. I'm trying so hard to address my own issues, hoping it will help with this.

I just feel so much regret. If this is the internal world he lives with--this BPD world with painfully amplified feelings of abandonment--I have to assume the hurt he felt was even worse than I imagined.

Then again, I think sometimes I focus on that so I can forget how much he hurt me.

Welcome to the land of BPD discards.  No one here can tell you if he has BPD or not.  He certainly does seem to exhibit some of the traits, but a professional evaluation is the only way to be certain.  Regardless of if he does or not, the behavior seems typical to a pwBPD. 

I have been deleted too and it hurts like hell.  I am so very sorry you are having to go through this.  I know it is incredibly painful and crushing.  Know you have support here to help you get through this ... .you are not alone.   

[steelwork]

I should say: I'm so sorry you've gone through this, too. May I ask: how long has it been, and has the pain diminished at all? And did you spend months just trying to figure out what happened? (The insight about having been erased--that came to me a bit at a time.)

Welcome to the land of BPD discards.  No one here can tell you if he has BPD or not.  He certainly does seem to exhibit some of the traits, but a professional evaluation is the only way to be certain.  Regardless of if he does or not, the behavior seems typical to a pwBPD. 

I have been deleted too and it hurts like hell.  I am so very sorry you are having to go through this.  I know it is incredibly painful and crushing.  Know you have support here to help you get through this ... .you are not alone.   

[Suzn]

Hello shambles

I'm sorry you have gone through all of this with your boyfriend.    Breakups are hard for anyone, add in BPD and it can be devastating. As you mentioned, they can indeed reopen old wounds and we can find unresolved grief.

I spent seven months in agony. I could not stop prosecuting myself for what I'd done to him. I was wracked with grief and remorse, wondering if he was still with the girl, if he was waiting to hear from me, if he still loved me at all. Running all the scenarios through my head.

I was seeing a therapist twice a week. The whole thing had cracked me open, reopened every wound I had from my own sad childhood, which included being abandoned by my mother, and my father dying when I was 14, and no parents at all after that, and all the guilt I felt over not taking better care of my father when he was dying, etc. etc.

Is there a connection here? Only you can say. I'm sorry for your loss with your father and your mother, losing a parent can be one of the most devastating events in our lives. We all grieve at our own pace, those emotions can and often do wait for us to experience them so that we can eventually release them. Sometimes just under our skin and events such as this can trigger the deep unresolved pain we've unknowingly held onto.

I'm no professional however it makes sense that it was hard for you to let go of your former partner if he offered you comfort and stability and as you said, he was like a parent.

It'll be a year coming up soon, and I can't believe how raw I still feel. I know an emotionally healthy person would not be this raw. I'm trying so hard to address my own issues, hoping it will help with this.

This relationship opened old wounds so you are grieving more than just this relationship, give it time. Grief can make us feel raw and working through our emotions in regards to our childhood can leave us feeling like we are falling through midair with no solid ground to stand on. Learning to take care of you will help tremendously here. It's great to hear you are working with a therapist, this is the highest form of self care. What do your coping skills look like right now? My T (therapist) suggests that when I'm feeling especially raw or triggered that I treat this time as if I have the flu, get plenty of rest, eat right, etc...  

I just feel so much regret. If this is the internal world he lives with--this BPD world with painfully amplified feelings of abandonment--I have to assume the hurt he felt was even worse than I imagined.

I would like to caution you here, people with BPD don't think the same way you do and often times we act on what we think they might be feeling. It's healthy to be accountable for our role in the relationship, we all played a role however working to forgive ourselves is also healthy. Once we know better, we do better. Can you forgive yourself?

Then again, I think sometimes I focus on that so I can forget how much he hurt me.

Grief is hard and painful to face, allowing yourself to cry and experience this emotion all the way through to the other side will help release it. You are doing that. It gets much better. Keep posting, it helps.

Welcome to our family.   

[C.Stein]

I should say: I'm so sorry you've gone through this, too. May I ask: how long has it been, and has the pain diminished at all? And did you spend months just trying to figure out what happened? (The insight about having been erased--that came to me a bit at a time.)

It has been almost 4 months since the final discard.  My ex most likely replaced me, at least emotionally, long before she finally discarded me for good.  The first 5-6 weeks I didn't really feel anything, I was still emotionally numb and depressed.  Then my emotions starting coming back until they essentially crushed me.  I became severely depressed and couldn't function in any normal capacity for well over a month. 

The whirlwind of emotions and ruminations has died down a little.  The anxiety and stress that was causing me to exhibit symptoms of stroke and heart attack have also diminished.  The constant wet eyes have are now "only" frequent, but still occurs every day.  I have managed to start functioning again, albeit in a rather limited fashion.  I feel dead inside to be honest and have no desire to do anything constructive.  I guess I am still suffering from severe depression, just not as severe as it was 3 weeks ago.

I really don't know how long this will last.  On some level I don't think I will ever completely get over this, but it will get better ... .it always does.  I just need to accept the reality of the situation and the fact that the woman I fell in love with is simply not who I believed her to be.  It has been exceeding difficult to find that acceptance ... .baby steps. 

[steelwork]

Suzn, thank you for this welcome. It brought tears to my eyes.

Is there a connection between my remorse about my ex's suffering (because I didn't leave my bf for him) and my remorse about my dad? Heck yeah. That was a recent insight that hit me like a wave.

I think a certain amount of taking-responsibility-for-my-role is appropriate, but I also know I've way exceeded what is reasonable. It's my own particular damage. But the more I read about BPD, the greater the horror I feel at the pain he went through. I know that pathological amplification of pain was not my fault. It was the fault of his stepfather who beat him with a belt and told him he was possessed by Satan, the fault of his mother who stood by and let it happen, and of his biological father who walked away from him long before that. I know. It's lunacy (and grandiosity) for me to take responsibility for that, just as it's distorted and childish thinking to imagine that I, a 14-year-old, was supposed to be able to nurse someone who was in the late stages of kidney cancer. I know it's irrational, but I still feel it. I'm sick, too. I guess we fell into each other in part because we were both sick.

It's great to hear you are working with a therapist, this is the highest form of self care. What do your coping skills look like right now? My T (therapist) suggests that when I'm feeling especially raw or triggered that I treat this time as if I have the flu, get plenty of rest, eat right, etc...  

Yes, this is such good advice. I try to get extra work done on days I'm feeling better and not feel bad about the days I'm not. My coping skills--I did a lot of opening up to friends and family. I walk and walk. I need to get more work done. I think that will help.

I try to take the long view.

I feel myself letting go. I'm letting go of him. His shutting me out was a blessing. I think he knew that. It was a kindness on his part.

[steelwork]

C.Stein, 4 months after the final discard seems like a lifetime ago to me now. I think you are doing so well just for having gotten some perspective! I'm only getting it now. I too fell into a terrible depression (not nearly my first), and I know what you mean about heart attack/stroke symptoms. I had to take a ton of valium to get through the first several months. The physical effects of all that cortisol or whatever the stress hormone is would have killed me!

It has been almost 4 months since the final discard.  My ex most likely replaced me, at least emotionally, long before she finally discarded me for good.  The first 5-6 weeks I didn't really feel anything, I was still emotionally numb and depressed.  Then my emotions starting coming back until they essentially crushed me.  I became severely depressed and couldn't function in any normal capacity for well over a month. 

The whirlwind of emotions and ruminations has died down a little.  The anxiety and stress that was causing me to exhibit symptoms of stroke and heart attack have also diminished.  The constant wet eyes have are now "only" frequent, but still occurs every day.  I have managed to start functioning again, albeit in a rather limited fashion.  I feel dead inside to be honest and have no desire to do anything constructive.  I guess I am still suffering from severe depression, just not as severe as it was 3 weeks ago.

I really don't know how long this will last.  On some level I don't think I will ever completely get over this, but it will get better ... .it always does.  I just need to accept the reality of the situation and the fact that the woman I fell in love with is simply not who I believed her to be.  It has been exceeding difficult to find that acceptance ... .baby steps.