What do you say to all the superficial BS that is said for show?

[sammy1212]

My MIL is a waif queen.  We don't have to see them often as they live several states away and we work full time. We are working on boundaries.  Last year we were bullied into visits from her during the year without her husband (who is actually wonderful). The visits were hell.  This year, I made an invitation for Thanksgiving to keep her from inviting herself every other month.  She still pushed limits and we caved by allowing it to be a 5 night visit instead of three.  It has been hell. She claims to miss her grandchild and shows her very limited attention when other people are watching or when she wants to put on a show.  We have decided after this trip we can only do 2 - 3 night visits. I may actually say I am back to school as well as work so we have a running excuse. She constantly tells us she wants to come out more often and checks plane fares. She has invited herself on our next vacation.  I am completely silent and don't say one word when she says these things.  My husband is about to explode.  I am over being pushed around and have no problem saying no but i also don't want to rock the boat.  I know there is no use explaining to her how disconnected and unhelpful she is.  She claims to want to come back to help us with our kid, though she helps in no way at all and is a complete burden as we have constant minute demands that she expects us to fulfill.

What do you say to the BS I love you and I want to see you all the time lines? 

[Kwamina]

Hi sammy1212

We are working on boundaries.

Being able to set and enforce/defend boundaries is indeed very important when dealing with someone with BPD. Boundaries help us protect our own well-being. Would you say you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people?

Are you familiar with our article about boundaries?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Last year we were bullied into visits from her during the year without her husband (who is actually wonderful). The visits were hell.  This year, I made an invitation for Thanksgiving to keep her from inviting herself every other month.  She still pushed limits and we caved by allowing it to be a 5 night visit instead of three.  It has been hell.

In what ways did you feel bullied into visits from her last year?

Do you perhaps feel that you 'caved' this year out of a sense of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

She has invited herself on our next vacation.  I am completely silent and don't say one word when she says these things.  My husband is about to explode.  I am over being pushed around and have no problem saying no but i also don't want to rock the boat.

I think you might benefit from a workshop we have here about the so-called D.E.A.R.M.A.N. communication technique. This is a tool that can help you assert yourself:

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our family-member or partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

You can read more here:

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate