I'm really struggling with detaching

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have not posted in a while but I am hoping to get some help. My wife and I met in Alcoholics Anonymous in 2003 and married in 2006.   My wife had me arrested in February 2015 and I was partially guilty as I grabbed her and held her on the ground after she was verbally assaulting me and I snapped.  A few days after the incident she said I was choking her and put a restraining order on me.  Then required my 80 year old mother to supervise visitation with our 8 and 7 year old children.  After 4 months she dropped charges when she saw I could not go back to work.  (I went into rehab to deal with alcohol issues as we had both relapsed in 2014).  She then fired her attorney and dropped restraining order and we attempted a reconciliation.  We were going to do intense marriage counseling but after 2 sessions and a few arguments at home she asked for divorce again. The next day said she was reconsidering but changed her mind again.  I kept reacting to the flip flopping and she started using my reactions as the reason for divorce.  I moved out again and she was very nasty to me even though I did not want a divorce.  I tried to communicate but was in silent treatment zone.  This drove me crazy and I tried harder which of course pushed her away further.  I backed off and she started sending text messages daily about silly stuff.  There was no reason for the messages but I kindly answered them as I always seem to capitulate to her.  She eventually hired a new attorney and at that time I pushed for the sale of the house I had bought for us.  She resisted but finally said ok.  We got an offer that was less than we were looking for but accepted it as mortgage payments got behind.   She still was texting often but at this point I was losing it emotionally as I started to feel like I was going crazy.  Everything became a secret with her which drove me even crazier.  The kids are really struggling as we were not getting along.  Now after debts are paid we will only get approximately 10k after the closing on December 28th.   She went out and rented the house we used to live in before having bought this one.  It is way out of her budget and I no longer have my well paying job and all the savings have been drained on attorneys and living.  Now she is being completely non-challant about everything.  It is so strange because its like no big deal at all.  I have been pushing to finalize divorce as I can't live like this but she is in no hurry.  I am so confused and keep reacting emotionally and feel even more hurt as she seems to not care.  I realize that might be fake but I can't harbor my emotions like that.  For some reason I still am not ready to move on deep inside.  I am trying to cut off contact but she still reaches out daily.  Sometimes for good reason other times for silly stuff.  If anyone is still reading can I have some advice please?  There is so much more to the story but its the same crazy stuff that happens to all of us.  I don't know how to detach and stop taking her erratic behavior personally

[frignat]

I have not posted in a while but I am hoping to get some help. My wife and I met in Alcoholics Anonymous in 2003 and married in 2006.   My wife had me arrested in February 2015 and I was partially guilty as I grabbed her and held her on the ground after she was verbally assaulting me and I snapped.  A few days after the incident she said I was choking her and put a restraining order on me.  Then required my 80 year old mother to supervise visitation with our 8 and 7 year old children.  After 4 months she dropped charges when she saw I could not go back to work.  (I went into rehab to deal with alcohol issues as we had both relapsed in 2014).  She then fired her attorney and dropped restraining order and we attempted a reconciliation.  We were going to do intense marriage counseling but after 2 sessions and a few arguments at home she asked for divorce again. The next day said she was reconsidering but changed her mind again.  I kept reacting to the flip flopping and she started using my reactions as the reason for divorce.  I moved out again and she was very nasty to me even though I did not want a divorce.  I tried to communicate but was in silent treatment zone.  This drove me crazy and I tried harder which of course pushed her away further.  I backed off and she started sending text messages daily about silly stuff.  There was no reason for the messages but I kindly answered them as I always seem to capitulate to her.  She eventually hired a new attorney and at that time I pushed for the sale of the house I had bought for us.  She resisted but finally said ok.  We got an offer that was less than we were looking for but accepted it as mortgage payments got behind.   She still was texting often but at this point I was losing it emotionally as I started to feel like I was going crazy.  Everything became a secret with her which drove me even crazier.  The kids are really struggling as we were not getting along.  Now after debts are paid we will only get approximately 10k after the closing on December 28th.   She went out and rented the house we used to live in before having bought this one.  It is way out of her budget and I no longer have my well paying job and all the savings have been drained on attorneys and living.  Now she is being completely non-challant about everything.  It is so strange because its like no big deal at all.  I have been pushing to finalize divorce as I can't live like this but she is in no hurry.  I am so confused and keep reacting emotionally and feel even more hurt as she seems to not care.  I realize that might be fake but I can't harbor my emotions like that.  For some reason I still am not ready to move on deep inside.  I am trying to cut off contact but she still reaches out daily.  Sometimes for good reason other times for silly stuff.  If anyone is still reading can I have some advice please?  There is so much more to the story but its the same crazy stuff that happens to all of us.  I don't know how to detach and stop taking her erratic behavior personally

[Mutt]

Hi frignat,

I'm sorry to hear that. That must of been really hard to have supervised visitation with your young kids.

For some reason I still am not ready to move on deep inside.

Can you explain? What I hear from you is that you desperately want to get out. Have I got that right?

[frignat]

To anwser the question about getting out.  That's the crazy thing because sometimes I am not sure.  Weird

[Mutt]

To anwser the question about getting out.  That's the crazy thing because sometimes I am not sure.  Weird

I know that the idea can bounce around in our minds for awhile until we make a decision. There's no judgement here. I wanted out but I didn't want out.

The kids are really struggling as we were not getting along.

I didn't see it while I was in it. Sometimes it helps when we talk to someone that has made it to the other side. What worries me is the conflict and the effect on the kids. My kids saw mom lash out on dad and I didn't like it that she did that stuff in front of the kids. I was worried about the emotional welfare for my kids, today my kids are thriving because they spend half of their time with the stable parent, I validate them, give them love and attention, I provide for them what their mother cannot give to them.

Then required my 80 year old mother to supervise visitation with our 8 and 7 year old children.

You have seen how far things can get, what if things at home get worse? How would you feel if you couldn't see your kids?