It seems like it was a dream?

[sadandbroken]

So last night I had to go to an award ceremony for my son who is in scouts with my ex boyfriend with BPD son.My ex is also the Scout Master which has been very hard for me since finding out about his disorder I have a hard time not looking at him like he is a predator.(mostly because he picks single mothers and gets to them through their children) Its the longest I have been in the same area since breaking up 2 months ago. The anxiety I felt was intense before getting to the event.Once there its as if I never existed.He looked in any direction other than mine.Once I had left the building and made it to my car I did see him walk out the door of the building and look my way,but then immediately walked back into the building.Almost as if he was trying to see if I had left yet.Its just so strange.

Does anyone just sit back and feel like it was all a dream or did this really it happen? I know it was real as I feel deep sadness that typically takes days to move through after seeing him in the brief encounters.

I think what makes it so hard is the rejection.I am trying to disconnect but its so hard to when there is no closure.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey sad-

Yes, the psychological tools a borderline uses to live with themselves can make it very painful for those of us left in the wake, I'm sorry you're going through that.  No closure from him can be the good news though, we get to give it to ourselves, which can be more powerful.  You've only been here a few weeks and it sounds fresh; the best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, are you doing OK with that?

[sadandbroken]

Yes if anything it has been a reality check in other ways.The hurt becomes unbearable at times but I am trying to embrace the hurt as an awakening. I started seeing a therapist(so far one visit) and have attended a couple CODA meetings and being a part of this site.I believe this all is helping and and I know that hopefully time will heal. Honestly the fact that I cant go 100 percent NC is difficult. It's a set back seeing him at all.My replacement is also a mother of a scout so watching him follow the same pattern of events with her is disturbing.Anyhow thank you for listening.

[Mutt]

Hi sadandbroken,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I can relate with how hard that is when we have to have contact after the break-up due to kids. I bet that was really tough going to the scouts meeting and seeing the new woman knowing what you know and how things will play out. It likely feels like watching a movie play out with a first act, middle act and final act.

A pwBPD feel a lot of chronic shame and we became a trigger for our ex partners and that's why he couldn't look you in the eyes because of feelings of shame. Hang in there.