Heard from the BPDex again...10 months out, she's still jealous

[4Years5Months]

It has been a while since I've been here, and that's a good thing.  It has been ten months since my uBPDexGF broke up with me for the 7th time, and almost immediately replaced me with the security guard at her work, a guy she had repeatedly devalued and made fun of to me on a daily basis.  She and I had sporadic contact over those ten months, where she eventually revealed to me that the REPLACEMENT is a dBPD and they fight almost daily, and he has walked out on her numerous times.  Yet, she has stayed with him, and they are moving in together later this month.

I have casually dated a few women, one of which I told my ex about, and she became quite upset, which led to this topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

After that, I didn't tell her about any women I was seeing or interested in.  I also received a substantial inheritance after the death of my uncle this summer, which ALSO upset her, because I was so lucky and she apparently has very little money.

She has remained with the replacement, although acting/teasing/triangulating that their relationship is going to end.  They have been together 10 months and move in together in two weeks.  But, this week, she discovered that I am dating someone, a girl I met last year through mutual friends and grew closer to through those friends in the last ten months.  She wasn't told this, so I can only guess she was doing some hardcore Facebook stalking and put it all together (saw a comment, etc.)

I received a couple of e-mails from her, where she apparently had done some Facebook stalking, but not enough to figure out I was seeing this new girl.  Again, we have had sporadic e-mails back and forth, so it wasn't out of the blue, but it was the first time I had heard/talked to her in about a month:

It's hard for me to talk to you without feeling upset. I see you all over Facebook and find it very difficult.

I replied and asked why she still felt that way, ten months after leaving me, and she replied:

It just does. Sigh. I'm never going to be numb to how "us" makes me feel.  I don't want to hear about your perfect little apartment downtown (I'm moving in February) and (new car). I honestly don't.  I resent you for all of it. On a regular basis, I think about how lucky you are, and wish that I had even a 10th of what you have been given. It's not fun for me to hear about your new little life.

I didn't reply, because I was amazed that she STILL holds onto this, and also, I wasn't going to validate her being upset at my good fortune.  One day later, she sent me this simple e-mail:

Additionally, of COURSE you're dating (new girl). Have fun with that.

About 5 minutes later, I got a text message.  She had previously declared that we couldn't text one another, because my replacement would see it buzz on her phone, but I guess he wasn't around:

"So (bleeping) predictable.  You e-mailing me, wanting to "be my friend," saying you "cherish me" and "miss me" is such bull(bleep).  It's clear to me now that we cannot be friends.  Have a wonderful life with (new girl), someone you made fun of and said you would NEVER be interested in when we were together - for multiple reasons.  Again:  just (bleeping) predictible.  Enjoy your new apartment, and your car.  I'm positive I'll see you downtown soon.  Can't wait."

I didn't respond.  And thus, I'm painted black, maybe forever.  And you know what?  I'm kind of relieved.  Here we are, ten months removed from a sudden breakup and replacement that drove me to therapy, and I'm more relaxed than before those exchanges with her.  Her profile photo is a smiling photo of her and my replacement, yet she goes to DEFCON mode upon hearing that I'm seeing someone.

For the record, I never made fun of my new girlfriend, but sure, I told my ex that I wasn't interested in her back when we were still dating, because I wasn't!  I can remember the night I met my new girl, my ex was there too, and cornered me and made me promise that I didn't have a crush on her.  But eh, it doesn't matter, I could be dating someone completely new and she would be upset.

Look at all the BPD in that text - the projection (talking about how I made fun of my new girl and told her I wasn't interested, things she did with MY replacement), the use of the word "never" and in all caps!  The jealousy, the resentment.  She's moving in with her boyfriend, that she left me for, and she STILL is that invested in me, emotionally.  And now we cannot be friends because I've somehow invalidated her by dating someone else.  All MY fault.  She's a professional victim.

Let this be a lesson to all of you who have suffered through a breakup with a BPDer - there is SO much simmering under the surface with them.  I'm just happy that she hooked up with another BPDer and they can now emotionally eat each other, instead of making life a living hell for someone else.

[hashtag_loyal]

Let this be a lesson to all of you who have suffered through a breakup with a BPDer - there is SO much simmering under the surface with them.  I'm just happy that she hooked up with another BPDer and they can now emotionally eat each other, instead of making life a living hell for someone else.

I'm glad you were able to move on, and also happy to see that you recognize your ex's disturbing behavior and are unfazed by it. Hopefully your story will inspire other members of this board to move on past their BPDexes.

[4Years5Months]

The biggest factor in my healing has been time.  I have been in contact with her and aware of what is going on in her life, but yet I see photos of her, even of the two of us, and I view it as something in the past.  It's not as intense as it was in those first few months.  I made new memories and experiences for myself, none of which involve her.  That has been the biggest contribution.

[Nextinline]

"So (bleeping) predictable.  You e-mailing me, wanting to "be my friend," saying you "cherish me" and "miss me" is such bull(bleep).  It's clear to me now that we cannot be friends.  Have a wonderful life with (new girl), someone you made fun of and said you would NEVER be interested in when we were together - for multiple reasons.  Again:  just (bleeping) predictible.  Enjoy your new apartment, and your car.  I'm positive I'll see you downtown soon.  Can't wait."

Look at all the BPD in that text - the projection (talking about how I made fun of my new girl and told her I wasn't interested, things she did with MY replacement), the use of the word "never" and in all caps!  The jealousy, the resentment.  She's moving in with her boyfriend, that she left me for, and she STILL is that invested in me, emotionally.  And now we cannot be friends because I've somehow invalidated her by dating someone else.  All MY fault.  She's a professional victim.

Let this be a lesson to all of you who have suffered through a breakup with a BPDer - there is SO much simmering under the surface with them.  I'm just happy that she hooked up with another BPDer and they can now emotionally eat each other, instead of making life a living hell for someone else.

I just need to ask you something... .are you me? It sounds like I am reading something that I wrote about my own experiences.

That is, word for word, the exact same message that I was sent by my BPDexgf. Do these people get given a handbook and they just copy out the abusive paragraphs that they want to use?

Even your story about the times frame, the jealousy, the moving in (in my case it was an engagement to a bankrupt, "substance supplier" 4 weeks after she was engaged to me whom she has now moved in with and got herself pregnant to). It is all so surreal that the text book behaviour and comments that come out of these people replicate themselves all around the world.

It is staggering that all of our experiences seem to just mirror image each other. 

[Nextinline]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

I just was compelled to comment again here.

I have just read this post. I cannot believe the extent to which it parallels my own experiences with my exBPDgf. Even the length of time you were together, the break ups and recycles and the content in the texts you posted are all absolutely identical to what I have been living through.

I have found your post from the above thread to be one of the most enlightening and encouraging that I have read. Like you I have moved on from this situation but the similarities are overwhelming.

Thank you for sharing this again, 4 and a half!

Much appreciated

[4Years5Months]

Thanks Nextinline.  What helped me here was seeing all of the similar experiences to my own.  I will also say that my ex was more Debbie Downer/Eeyore than a fire-spewing drama queen.  Our mutual friends knew she was a negative complainer, but were shocked at some of the stories I told.

With that said, I heard from her again on Friday.  More of the same.  Some of the texts (condensed into a paragraph):

(Referencing my new girlfriend):

":)o you think you'll end up with her?  Because I really don't.  You need someone very different.  I mean, it's just comical.  If you marry (her) and are with her forever it will be the shock of the century.  But I'm sure you'll have fun for a while.  I'm sure she makes you feel good about yourself.  Despite the many warnings about dating her - you still did.  I just knew this was coming.  It's so funny."

I didn't take the bait and gave simple answers.  I said I hope it worked out with (new girl).  That she was a good person, just like my replacement is a good person, too.  (I don't believe that, but took the high road)

Anyway, she kept on.  Referencing out mutual friends, none of which she has spoken to since our breakup, even though they have no dislike of her:

"I'm so sick of seeing that (stuff) on my Facebook.  I'm likely going to delete (Friend 1) and (Friend 2) as I'm not friends with them anymore.  Wouldn't you feel a bit weird constantly seeing stuff like that?"

I replied that of course I would.  I validated her.  I then told her to do what she had to do, and delete whoever she wanted to.  She didn't want to hear that.  She wanted me to tell her not to, to beg her to keep them.  So, she got desperate, and more upset:

"I have a whole lot of resentment toward you, for multiple reasons.  And seeing all that pop up on Facebook constantly makes it 10x worse.  It makes me physically ill.  I can't talk to you anymore, (4Years).  It is too (bleeping) upsetting, from so many different perspectives."

Allow me to remind everyone that SHE broke up with me seven times, and had a replacement within two weeks of the last breakup.  Yet she resents ME.  How dare I have any enjoyment in my life.  It's obvious that the only way I'm worth anything to her is lonely, alone, and begging for her to take me back.

One last barrage of texts.  Again, she broke up with me TEN MONTHS ago and has been with my replacement just as long, and is moving in with him in two weeks:



"Our relationship is ruining my life.  This is probably everything you've always wanted, ever since we broke up.  This is so (screwed) up.  I don't want you to affect me anymore.  I don't want to give a (bleep).  The problem is I'm constantly being reminded of you.  It's not fun for me, (4Years).  It's not fun to see this (stuff) plastered all over my Facebook.  It's (bleeping) torture.  It's almost funny how tragic it is.  All I feel is anger.  This is (bleeping) killing me.  I'm sure you're thrilled you have such an affect on me.  That it's this negative.  That I'm sitting here at my (bleeping) desk crying like an idiot.  So go home to your nice apartment in your new car and laugh with your (lousy) girlfriend about it."

Again, I kept letting her know that I was sorry how upset she was, and that I loved her.  And then I ended the conversation, saying I had to go into a meeting, which I did.

Notice how she never, not once, accepted any responsibility for how she felt?  She's angry at ME.  She resents ME.  I'm ruining her life, KILLING her!  She's the victim, and I'm the reason.  Again, she broke up with me!  It's amazing how they protect themselves, isn't it?  How they cannot admit any kind of fault.

And I'm just flabbergasted that ten months later, she is still that upset.

[Nextinline]

Seriously mate, you are me.

You are living the life as my doppleganger!

Maybe the only difference is that me and my exBPDgf recycled one last time in the middle of the year after we broke up in early March. Silly me did the thing that she wanted and I proposed. She said yes, well kind of, but was still carrying on the affair with my replacement that she begged me to get her away from.

So when I found that out, the engagement was over, I took  the ring back and she got engaged to him 4 weeks later.

But word for word, everything that yours has said to you about the grief you are causing her, even though she is in her own relationship, is identical to all the blame that I have worn as a result of ruining my ex's life (her words). Oh, and I am a b@stard for having a new girlfriend because that just shows that I never really loved her otherwise I would not have been able to move on.

I guess the difference for me here is that I have gone full NC and have blocked every avenue for her to get to me, other than her putting a letter in my letterbox! I also deleted every mutual FB friend that she introduced me to. I do not want her to know anything about me or what I do so I blocked her and made sure that none of her friends that we used to share could tell her what I was doing. I was ruthless as far as cutting her out of my life.

This is seriously weird stuff. The parallels are astounding!