Cookie Crumbs with ex-BPD

[rosesarered777]

We broke up in September but we last saw each other at the end of October.

I had previously messaged her on a dating website but she would not respond.

I asked her tonight whether she wanted kids and a house and she actually replied for a change! She said, yes house, no to kids.

I said she was amazing around kids and she claimed she didn't think so. I continued to praise her, saying that the fact that she was so good around kids was one of the reasons I wanted to have kids with her (as the mother). She said she was only interested in being the "crazy auntie" and I said she could do both (be a mother and have kids + be crazy). The conversation ended there on a positive note with her laughing. She did not come back online.

Is there any hope that we could re-build from tiny conversations such as this one? I am sure she is now regretting her decision to break things off now that she knows I am doing well in my life and she seems to be so negative about her current life (she avoided any work-related questions I had apparently).

[LostGhost]

In my experience, these little conversations are exactly what your title suggests - cookie crumbs. I had dozens of these almost every day with my ex, for months. They always filled me with hope, like a balloon expanding only to inevitably pop. I don't know if that's your situation or not, but all I was fed was cookie crumbs, just enough to keep me orbiting. She has many men pursuing her to keep her interest elsewhere and is now in her 3rd relationship in as many months, this time with a millionaire.

I no longer have any cookie crumbs and if I did, I'm not sure I'd eat them... .hard to say. Beware of false hope, it led me astray and others too I'm sure.

[Infern0]

In my opinion don't orbit

I assume from being on this board you want the relationship back

well for that to happen she is going to have to get to a point where she wants to try that.

For that to happen, don't chase, don't persue, you can be polite and friendly if she contacts you, but in general work on yourself, build yourself up and be the best you can be.

[Moselle]

don't chase, don't persue, you can be polite and friendly if she contacts you, but in general work on yourself, build yourself up and be the best you can be.

I think this is spot on. Set her free. If she comes back, it's something that can be worked on.

What are your boundaries for a successful relationship with her? You might use this pause to decide what you will and won't accept in the relationship. If/when she chooses to come back, there can be healthy boundaries to guide it.

How else do you think you can work on your side?

[guy4caligirl]

How else do you think you can work on your side?


I would say Look back and  really see what you have contributed in the break up , most of us  switch the blame on them and ended up on this site wondering why, and learn quiet a lesson about themselves ... .I am one of them .

There is a big difference between the disorder and the person, at the time during the relation most of us could have done better by being more understanding towards the disorder also could have dealt with it in a different way if we were educated about this horrific disorder and how to deal with it after all  we loved the person behind all  this and we still do .

Continue reading and posting, by being on this forum you are to improve yourself , it's a good step, look into what you could have done differently and use your knowledge and improve your relationship skills and be prepared for the next with or without her  back into your life .

[Skip]

I found her POF account yesterday and (stupidly) messaged her from mine. She read my message, looked at my profile and did not respond. She has revised history saying that she only stayed with me because she thought I would change. She would occasionally act suspiciously and I would check her Facebook and see that a "friend" would be messaging her and she would behave warmly to his suggestions. So apparently that needs to change and i need to trust her... She claims she only vcheated on me years ago because she was being accused of cheating with a friend at his place (?).  Her account was seeking Friends yet now says she wants 'Not seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment' (ie. casual sex/friends with benefits is what she is aiming for.

You've broken the ice and you're talked a bit. That's good. With the holiday coming up, you certainly will have another "in" for contact. Pace yourself.

You've been down this road many times with her, you have a lot of history to call on for what works.

The term "orbiter" (slang) probably doesn't pertain here - but instability does - this relationship cycles a lot and while we can become desensitized and comfortable in the chaos - this only serves to fuel wider swings of instability and eventually one will be the last. Getting her back for another "round" will likely end with an even larger breakup a few months up the road.

I think the bigger question is, can this ever be stable (or has it gone to far) and, if so, what has to be different this time to make it so?

You describe a relationship where she "does whatever she wants" with no consequence. You reward (or at least tolerate) being treated badly in the name of love. This is the catch-22 that you are in. Just getting her back is better than nothing, but is more the same.

So where are you on this? Are you willing/ready to go another round (like previous rounds) or are you wanting to hold out for a "game changer"?

[rosesarered777]

Looks like she blocked me between late last night and 8am. Guess she was feeling too close again.

Normally I would agree about orbitting but at least she knows that I have improved and am doing well. My friend commented she seemed very negative in the early part of our conversation so life must be crummier than she expected.

[rosesarered777]

I found her POF account yesterday and (stupidly) messaged her from mine. She read my message, looked at my profile and did not respond. She has revised history saying that she only stayed with me because she thought I would change. She would occasionally act suspiciously and I would check her Facebook and see that a "friend" would be messaging her and she would behave warmly to his suggestions. So apparently that needs to change and i need to trust her... She claims she only vcheated on me years ago because she was being accused of cheating with a friend at his place (?).  Her account was seeking Friends yet now says she wants 'Not seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment' (ie. casual sex/friends with benefits is what she is aiming for.

You've broken the ice and you're talked a bit. That's good. With the holiday coming up, you certainly will have another "in" for contact. Pace yourself.

You've been down this road many times with her, you have a lot of history to call on for what works.

The term "orbiter" (slang) probably doesn't pertain here - but instability does - this relationship cycles a lot and while we can become desensitized and comfortable in the chaos - this only serves to fuel wider swings of instability and eventually one will be the last. Getting her back for another "round" will likely end with an even larger breakup a few months up the road.

I think the bigger question is, can this ever be stable (or has it gone to far) and, if so, what has to be different this time to make it so?

You describe a relationship where she "does whatever she wants" with no consequence. You reward (or at least tolerate) being treated badly in the name of love. This is the catch-22 that you are in. Just getting her back is better than nothing, but is more the same.

So where are you on this? Are you willing/ready to go another round (like previous rounds) or are you wanting to hold out for a "game changer"?

Just noticed your edit now.

I would love to have her want to settle down. Before she wanted to remove her IUD and have me impregnate her. I told her reasonably enough that I was a student and did not have the money to raise a child (yet) but I promised that we would have kids before 35. I guess she wasn't happy with this answer...

After our conversation yesterday, it seems unlikely that she wants anything to do with me. She currently has a place to live at a family friend's place in the basement but has an unstable call centre job AFAIK. Her future looks rather depressing when she had a solid job here. I wonder if she regrets moving down there now?

If she could go to therapy and take proper medication AND stop drinking heavily, that would really help. Everytime I have seen her months later, she has gained more and more weight... .