Wife started BPD therapy and all of a sudden wants a divorce

[niks]

My wife has suddenly decided she wants a divorce after 5 months of marriage. She has went from fighting for us to completely ridding herself of me that seems beyond the normal push-pull. The change is drastic and happened within two days... .a complete 180. She is an "acting-in" borderline and is currently just started treatment. Her excuse is "I love you too much to hurt you anymore" which to me is obviously doesn't really give me any answers or real closure. we just found out she had BPD back in September.

I'm at a complete loss and totally confused. I feel like I've just been dropped on my head. She's attempted to see how I've been but I have kept the contact to a minimum. I've attempted to reason with her but, it just results in circular discussions and arguments and seems to compound things. I think the the most dreadful thing is that (after a great deal of reading) I've come to realize that I have not provided an environment that has enough validation.

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[C.Stein]

Welcome and I am so very sorry for you.  This must be incredibly hard and painful for you.  You are among friends here who have experienced much the same erratic and confusing behavior from their significant others.

Do you think this is just an "episode" that will go away once she stabilizes?

[niks]

No, not at all... .At least not the way it's looking. Apparently she's really thought  this through according to my mother-in-law who is very surprised by this. You could always see some glimpse of desperation to hold onto me even when she would push-pull before, but now she has went totally cold and turned it off. it's like I'm dealing with a distant friend at best. The only thing I've really heard from her is "I'm sorry" and "you deserve better."

I've been thrown out into the cold so to speak (in more ways than one). Shes locked me out of our bank account, no I'm sleeping on my dad's couch, and she offered me a few hundred dollars before I left. I think she did that more or less to make herself feel better about the situation. I don't know if she really grasps the severity and the consequences of what she is doing... .Maybe she does. It just all feels so cruel and callous.

[Alberto]

No, not at all... .At least not the way it's looking. Apparently she's really thought  this through according to my mother-in-law who is very surprised by this. You could always see some glimpse of desperation to hold onto me even when she would push-pull before, but now she has went totally cold and turned it off. it's like I'm dealing with a distant friend at best. The only thing I've really heard from her is "I'm sorry" and "you deserve better."

I've been thrown out into the cold so to speak (in more ways than one). Shes locked me out of our bank account, no I'm sleeping on my dad's couch, and she offered me a few hundred dollars before I left. I think she did that more or less to make herself feel better about the situation. I don't know if she really grasps the severity and the consequences of what she is doing... .Maybe she does. It just all feels so cruel and callous.

The new DSM includes self sabotaging relationships when they enter or approach milestones as a BPD characteristic, and you will find many in this community that will confirm the notion.

It's extremely sad and cruel for both of you but it's something expected.

[Skip]

Hi niks... .

Wow.

The best thing right now (and a very hard thing) is to not panic. This is a crisis of huge proportions, but panic will make it worse. It would help to get to a psychiatrist (or even a family doc) and look into whether you need anti-anxiety medicine so that you can calm down and also sleep and function without wearing yourself out. Also, you should see a lawyer right away and tell him you need advice on what to do and not do now regarding protecting yourself in case this actually goes to divorce.

Let's try to sort this out with the members and get a game plan going here.

Here is a very old article from the site (sorry for the formatting, it is in the deep archives):

   

Recognize that one major aspect of a borderline in serious and long-term therapy is to be committed to regulate their own emotions and moods in response to normal life challenges and their therapy. Therefore you must make sure that you do not allow any old patterns between you and the borderline – patterns that you also have played a role in – to continue.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a118.htm

One key fact is that when a person with BPD takes on therapy in a serious way, is because they want change and a new life.  If we are part of the old life, seen (real or perceived) as part of the problem, we can get jettisoned in the process.  It's really important to shed all the dysfunction of the relationship yourself.

Hang in there, nike.  This is really hard adult stuff.

[babyducks]

Hi niks,

I'm sorry that you are going through this.    What you are describing is very difficult stuff.  It would rock anyone back on their heels.

The part I noticed in what you wrote was about sleeping on the sofa and being locked out of the bank account.    That would be very hard for me as I am sensitive to sleep disruption.     Would a lawyer be able to help unlock your finances?    Would a trusted third party be able to to discuss the situation with your wife?  What do you think would work best?

':)ucks

[Concerns]

Skip, from the linked article:

"What every Non Needs To Know

A borderlines who is serious about therapy will be responsible enough to make their appointments, be honest with their therapists, and do any and all suggested homework. Borderlines serious about treatment will pursue it, and make a commitment to it.

Anything less than this is a waste of time and money, typically with the borderline just going through the motions to placate someone else.

Some with BPD may want to change but cannot make a commitment, or have the motivation and personal responsibility needed to make it work. If the person with BPD in your life misses appointments, re-schedules them, and/or finds endless reasons why the therapists they've seen is "the problem", "make things difficult" or "just doesn’t understand”, you are likely dealing with someone who isn’t really invested in getting help, or getting better."

I'm not really interested in hijacking this thread. Maybe I'll post it in another thread. But I it raised some real questions about how we should behave as nons.

Niks: Its really difficult. It's great you are seeking support here! You can only really work on you. Get some outside help. Take care of yourself. Exercise. Meds can be a great benefit. Locking you out of funds needs to be addressed. Its really not fair. If you work and have direct deposit then open an account and change the settings. If she is truly interested in helping herself then supporting her in this is a great move. But break the old habits, connections, and communication styles you have used in the past to interact with her. The only way to climb a mountainne step at a time. Look forward but don't let the size of the mountain be your goal. Small, manageable goals will get you there. Do what you can and keep the pace. My wife has used the threat of divorce to shutdown conversations about her own accountability. I was suckered into this circular argument for a long time. They can be very effective at redirecting communication when it leads to their own discomfort. In the end, you can only be responsible for yourself. Taking care of yourself is actually a more responsible path than following her into her illness.