All right, so, ESPECIALLY after this weekend's debacle (see the post chain of events evolve here if you're interested:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287313.new) wherein I seriously misunderstood my pwBPD's communication efforts and warning signs, reacted with empty (or worse) validation, and ended up being completely taken by surprise by a HUGE storm with content I really didn't see coming... .I started thinking about charting his more common behaviors/phrases, their motivations or precursors (when/if knowable, for preventative/authentic response purposes), & responses (likelihood of escalation vs return of agitation vs total deescalation). I'm going back and forth about whether listing his most common behaviors is:
1. hyper-focusing, unhealthy, and frankly just weird
2. a necessary backbone for analyzing MY growth in warning sign recognition & healthy responses
3. a way to potentially lessen--or increase, eek, it could happen--my FOG anxieties about not being vigilant enough/being too vigilant by identifying actual red flag behaviors for self harm, psychosis, etc. in the future
Anyway, unless someone knows of an existing tool for this purpose, I'd think my content would be something like this (only in a nice chart to please the PM in me, of course):
Behavior: "GREY SHIRT" Distinct lack of grooming; esp. characterized by wearing his threadbare grey shirt. **Body check necessary if long pants are worn to bed or long sleeves worn over shirt.**
Suggested Issue: general agitation - mod/sev. High risk of impending/recent self harm. Low risk of histrionics.
Responses: 1. Do nothing, but be aware he is in a state of escalation?
2. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
3. Offer choices of stress-relieving activities for him solo
4. **ONLY IF BURNS PRESENT: Crisis Plan Process: ":)o you want to go to the hospital?"/911 if necessary
This way my journal entries, when they refer to incidents with him, could just be shorthand and focus on my responses... .like,
he was wearing his grey shirt & I noticed/asked abt burn on his arm. #4 and he ____ . I SET w/ short term success, which led him to call N. Bianca who went over TIP. My SET was: ____ & I felt it worked/didn't b/c ___ I felt in/validated by ___ Could improve next time by ___ etc. Guess my thought process is that with a sort of shorthand key I could spend more time focusing on MY RESPONSES and risk less getting caught up in storytelling back to myself as a release, plus of course I'd have a sort of clue-card for some of the worst of my pwBPD's disregulation Red Flags--though I know I would have to keep in mind not to reduce him to a set of behaviors/not behaviors or condescend him or assume, in the vein of split thinking, that a behavior of his ALWAYS means one thing.
The analyst in me is really attracted to this idea, particularly as it helps provide a certain line of preparedness as I try to adopt "stop the bleeding" and DBT protocols to our communication while he is still severely disregulated, coping via his EDNOS, self harm, & disassociation without ANY therapeutic or informal support system other than his meds. He lacks the ability to healthfully self-soothe, assert his needs, or even identify his emotions 90% of the time; and he's not learning new coping skills on his own anytime soon. I mean, therapy is GONNA happen, but we're so close to the holidays, & with insurance changing over for the new year, and having to leave it to him to arrange... .let's be real. SOO having a "cheat sheet" to help me diffuse bombs properly instead of just keeping the peace ineffectually (since he'll blow up eventually anyway) or, worse yet, doing what I did this weekend and thinking I was on-track but making things worse sounds like a totally wizard genius idea, haha.
However being that I know I'm pretty thoroughly swathed in Co-D BS right now and trying to carefully extract myself, I am super wary of my own judgement. Sigh. Thoughts? I trust your honest voices and thank anyone who read through this crazy long neurotic post. <3