Husband's gf pregnant. He asked me to take him back.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

WOW! I just found out that my husbands gf IS pregnant! He called and I picked up the phone... .I was very cool and collected. He was drunk... .whenever he tried to pick a fight, I refused it! He actually asked me to take him back! He asked to come see me! I said no to everything! One minute he said he is happy and the next he said he is miserable and that I know him! He thinks we can remain friends!  I know I can trust my gut yet once again! He actually sounds awful... .his parents are freaking out that she is pregnant and he does not want to marry her! How crazy is this?

[Herodias]

WOW! I just found out that my husbands gf IS pregnant! He called and I picked up the phone... .I was very cool and collected. He was drunk... .whenever he tried to pick a fight, I refused it! He actually asked me to take him back! He asked to come see me! I said no to everything! One minute he said he is happy and the next he said he is miserable and that I know him! He thinks we can remain friends!  I know I can trust my gut yet once again! He actually sounds awful... .his parents are freaking out that she is pregnant and he does not want to marry her! How crazy is this?

[Itstopsnow]

I know this is all very hard for you! I can't imagine! But whenever I interact with my ex or his family it brings me down to their level of chaos and unmanageability. It's hard because you're emotionally invested. But the best thing if you can is disengage . He was your husband ? Correct? Is there a reason to stay in contact with him? Children? Property? If not cut the ties from this toxic mess. He will keep pulling you in. Only when you can get yourself far enough away to look at the situation for what it truly is. It is then you can be free of the drama! And I get it, sometimes the drama they cause makes us feel needed or alive. But it's because we have formed such unhealthy bonds with them. This makes us feel like we are back in the thick of it. I wanted to be there, for me it was better than being alone. But in reality it wasn't . Alone is much more stable and satisfying then the life I had with him. Try and break free. If she's pregnant it's not your problem. Let it go of you can. One day at a time . Don't overthink it. There are much healthier options out there for you! You just have to believe you deserve it! 

[Herodias]

Thanks, we are still married. We can get divorced next month! What a mess he is! I actually feel like this is a relief to know. I have no interest in getting involved in that! What a disaster- her parents are mad about it and his are freaking out! He said he doesn't want to marry her! I just kept saying that I hope he is happy and this is what he really wanted... .He was all over the place with how he felt... .He kept lying... .hard to know what the truth is.

[Itstopsnow]

At the end of my contact with my ex, he seemed to be getting much worse! He was all over the place too! With what he wanted! They never know, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Again how long were you married? And total time together before. They are such a mess! And see to be carbon copies of each other! (Our ex's) it has to be the disorder itself. So tragic but not our problem'

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

Doesn't it feel great when we start trusting our instincts? Good boundaries!

[Herodias]

7 years married- 9 years total... .Very sad and bad situation.

[Pretty Woman]

Blue, good for you.  Keep on detaching. This is a mess he is in and he is looking for

"good, ole, reliable Blue" to save him. You know what it's like to be on the girlfriend's side.

I haven't been on here for a few months but I can see just in your posting how much stronger you are.  Keep on fighting the good fight and try not to interact with him if you can. What I noticed is even speaking with friends of my ex... .so much drama.  It is not healthy nor worth it. In fact, I run from drama nowadays.

I am very proud of how far you have come and can tell you it does get better. We are kind people so we internalize and yes, it takes awhile to stop thinking of them... .but there are better people out there... .I have met a few. It's been nice.

No crazy. We actually can discuss and accommodate.



Good luck to you!


PW

[cloudten]

Well I knew you suspected things were like this... .so its nice, I'm sure, to have a little validation.

Good job in trusting your instinct... .and great job in staying away. He sounds like a mess.

This just brought up a memory for me. I remember my dBPDxbf tell me he would throw me down the stairs if I ever got pregnant. ? who says that?  Anyway- I hope he doesn't throw her down the stairs or worse.

I agree with Pretty Woman- I can definitely see how much stronger you (Blue) have become in the last year... .keep it up. You're almost done and out.

Don't let his crazy affect you... .You are in complete control of letting his crazy affect you.

[shatra]

Blue wrote--

He said he doesn't want to marry her! I just kept saying that I hope he is happy and this is what he really wanted... .He was all over the place with how he felt

----Hard to validate his feelings when his feelings keep changing!  He wanted to be with her then was going to marry her, now he doesn't want to marry her, etc. round and round.

----This is the push pull again. He is trying to pull you back in again

[hashtag_loyal]

I know I can trust my gut yet once again!

YES!

He actually asked me to take him back!

Did you " "?

[Herodias]

No way!

[heartbroken25]

Herodias

Our circumstances sound somewhat familiar?

My story in short:

-Married 13yrs and together total of 25yrs; separated last 3 years (not entirely/back & forth)

-dBPD husband was in DBT treatment for 4 years (didn't stop him from running/discarding me)

-He discarded me almost 3 years ago. Said I "cheated him out of a life" and that  "he'd rather be homeless, without a job and broke than to live a lie" and that he's "not or ever was in love with me"

A year ago we met to talk about things and he recanted all the things he said above.  Said he didn't know what he was doing and that he didn't want a divorce because the thought of divorce made him sick to his stomach.  This all came shortly after the first replacement, or so I think it was the 1st, kicked him to the curb (or he ran; not sure)

-Six months ago was the first time he mentioned divorce.  I asked what had changed and he couldn't tell me.  I knew he had another replacement but he couldn't say it.  (gf was tagging him on FB)  Shortly after that, I found out he lost his job that he had for 11 years.

-Four months ago he moved the rest of his stuff out.  I told him everything that I needed to get off my chest and ended our conversation with saying that I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.   

-Two weeks ago, found out from a friend that his gf is pregnant and due in January.  We never had children although I did want kids and know in my heart I would have made a good mother. But I cheated HIM out of a life?  I'm DEVASTATED.

We are still married.  He filed the papers in September, or so I think, and I'm waiting for the divorce.  This is so surreal to me!  All of it.  Never imagined that we'd ever be apart or that this is his life now.  Sure life was not easy with him, but it did at times get better.  I thought maybe DBT was the reason/cure, or that I had learned validation skills; but I was wrong.  He still walked away and discarded me! Something he had done a few other times throughout our relationship but he always came back and I always took him back.

UNREAL; He told me when he left me that he never wanted children.  I guess not with me.  :'( Someone who always tried to skirt responsibility is taking on the biggest responsibility of his life?  He has no job, no savings, living with her, gf supporting him, still married to me, expecting a child, and moving to England where she is from and where her family lives, after the child is born. 

This is all still so hard for me.  I met him very young at 19 years of age.  I was never in a relationship with anyone but him nor ever dated.  He was my best friend.  I was doing so well thanks to my therapy and my ability to start creating a life without him, even though I still missed our life together, and then after I heard this news, it was a major setback to my progress.  Now all I feel is sadness at how he could walk away from "the only person that ever truly loved him"(his words), and I truly did, despite all the ups and downs.  Finding it very hard to let go of this heart wrenching pain inside of me and to get back on track after being delivered this massive blow. Now I feel as if I'll never be able to recover from this. Its all so devastating! :'(

[DreamGirl]

I have to admit that I'm with heartbroken... .

I'd be devastated as well with this kind of news.

[Herodias]

Sorry Heartbroken- I know how hard this is as you can see... .Thanks everyone. You are right that the drama makes me feel included, but it's exhausting- I'm so tired! I feel sorry for the families that these two belong to because I know they will have to deal with the aftermath. If she's smart she will go home to her Mother before she Marrys him! She's got a little time now to live with him and see how he really is! I realize I cannot talk to him! The cold and calculating things that he told me almost make me think he is a sociopath like the domestic violence people said... , very toxic! Thank you for your insight. Part of me goes off in my head picturing this family life he will have, but I know the truth on how horrible he is! Telling me he already knows there will be more women in his future! How isn't it great that he can sleep around with employees at work and keep getting promotions ( which he lied about getting another one). He wanted to come over and see me and my dog. He said he hates her dogs they are so winey! I guess he doesn't know about how babies are yet! I asked him how J is- he said J who? I said the one you traumatized me last xmas with! He said oh, I haven't seen her in 13 months! See, he kept getting timing and dates off! He thought is was 8 months since we talked- no - it's 4. I don't know- he's very manipulative- trying to threaten me with lawyers with the divorce. Telling me I better hurry and get all my Health care in before he stops the insurance. Telling me he is going to cancel my life insurance he has to carry on me, then shoot himself! All kinds of horrible things he said. I'm exhausted!

[Itstopsnow]

I'm so sorry! I know you are being rational and clear thinking. But there is deep down a part that must be hurting so bad! I'm so very sorry for that. But you like you see. He is a total mess! And you should feel sorry for this girl! She has him for life! He's not getting better ever! You see who and what he is and capable of and what he isn't capable of.

[heartbroken25]

Thank you so much DreamGirl for the validation.  It's the ultimate betrayal!  He strung me along for 2.5 years giving me false hope (part of me also allowed it,  thinking something may change) until he found a new supply to detach from me. I was doing fairly well on working on me and creating a life without him and then BAM, another kick to the head.  Simply Devastating! He didn't even have the nerve to tell me about her or that she was expecting.  And he had many opportunities to do so.  I've lost the opportunity to have a child of my own as I am now 47 years of age.  And now he's given that to someone else.  I invested all of me. Gave/shared with him my virginity, my support, my home, my family, my heart, my tears, my trust, my loyalty, my time, the list goes on; the best years of my life for 25 years, but I "Cheated him out of a life". 

BlueHeron,

Unlike your BPD, I don't think mine will come crying back to me anymore.  I made it clear to him that I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.  I said this to him before I knew about his gf being pregnant.  I certainly would not take him back, not after all that's happened, but somehow a part of me would find some validation or solace hearing him crying and begging me to take him back.  I know its not realistic because them begging to come back comes from a place of selfishness and fear and is not authentic; like our whole relationship and like them.  I feel duped.  That my whole 25 years, which I cannot get back, with him was a complete sham. 

Very very SAD! :'(

[Pretty Woman]

I think there is a little part in all of us that wants them to reach out and beg us back... .as validation.

Thing is this... .rationally I think... .why do I need validation from a broken, pathetic loser who cheated, lied and stole from me?

Heartbroken, I am sorry you did not have children. I just turned 40 and feel in similar vain... .as I was with my ex the last four years of my 30ths.

Don't be envious. Feel sorry for this innocent kid who now has a dysfunctional father with a lot of problems.  You are very, very lucky you do not have kids with this man.

PW

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have become increasingly curious how badly pwBPD can behave and still come crawling back.  Stories like this are a sobering reminder that what my pwBPD did is small change and he could waltz back at any moment, too.

[Herodias]

Exactly... .I am trying to be as strong as I can... .I am 50 years old. We had a miscarriage and years later after I had a partial hysterectomy, he said "lets have a baby" adding insult to injury! I don't know where his head is exactly. He just listens to what other people tell him. His gf is beginning to look like an abused woman and he looks terrible from all the drinking. She is not going to be able to work and keep this child. I really don't know how he is going to afford all of this! It is all abut the moment and no consequences for him! No thinking about the future! All this talk about future women is awful! I would never take him back. I hate that he is like this... .I really do.  Just imagine if this child is not healthy or something... .you never know. Just awful two immature people are having a baby that they don't even know what they are getting into. I suppose that's how it works sometimes... .future BPD maybe. It's all about the fantasy of it all. Anyway... .It doesn't matter that he asked to come back. It wasn't even begging... .It was "you could take me back" no emotion, no, I love you so much, no I was wrong, no I am sorry, no the grass is not greener-nothing! It seems all about the money. I see her running back to her mother. You see men run from obligation all the time... .I don't see how this is going to be good at all. I don't feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for the child.

[heartbroken25]

Thanks Pretty Woman.

I think a lot about why we didn't have children.  Maybe deep down inside I knew that if we had children I'd end up raising the kid on my own.  Maybe he would have still been physically present, maybe not as he runs when things become uncomfortable.  I think about all I have been through and how resilient, and patient we non's are.  I think I could have been strong enough to raise a child on my own.  I know deep inside I dodged a bullet, but its still hard to know that I sacrificed my best years (including child bearing years) and know if I had kids I would have made a good mother.  Thank God I have a niece and nephew and was able to play somewhat of a motherly role in each of their lives.  Despite all the heartache my dBPDh inflicted, I know that I am blessed as I have a loving family, great friends, good job and have many other things to be grateful for.  Its hard not to let a big thing like this not hurt you. :'(