Letter to my NC BPD Mom

[lauren2013]

I have been NC with my mom for 2+ years now. It was the best decision I ever made to go NC, but it has also been incredibly stressful and anxiety provoking because I am still so terrified of her. Anyway, recently, I've felt like I've been sort of just hiding out from her instead of ACTIVELY not talking to her. And I've never really SAID to her "I'm going NC because you've hurt me beyond repair." So, after agonizing over this for many months, I finally decided to send her a letter to express exactly how I feel (yet still remain sort of neutral/factual because I am terrified). The letter is below. What do you think? I've been so stressed out ever since I sent it. I'm so afraid of her!

Mom,

I felt compelled to write to you to explain how I’m feeling and why I’ve limited my communication with you.  The first thing I want to say is that I am not keeping my distance in an effort to hurt you (or anyone else) or prove a point.  It’s not about that.  I am doing this to protect myself.  I have tried over the years to understand, to help, to somehow make you happy. I have forgiven, forgotten, swept things under the rug, all the while not realizing the damage that was occurring to me physically and emotionally. I have lived a life of unpredictability and hostility that has left me confused about the world and how people are supposed to act and express love. I have been confused as to who I am as an individual, what I want, what I am allowed to have. I tried for years to make you happy while still moving forward with my own life, but that proved to be an impossible and exhausting task. I do not blame you for your feelings or for what has happened in the past – I really don’t. I know we are all human and I’m sure there are details of your life that I will never (and should never) understand, and that’s OK. I know you tried with the tools that you have to make yourself and us happy and to be the best mother that you could. The only difference between now and a few years ago is that I am simply making a different choice. I am choosing to put myself first. Not in a selfish way – in a normal, healthy way. My happiness has hinged on yours for many years and I truly do want you to be happy and fulfilled, but I’ve realized that there is a difference between wanting that for someone, and feeling responsible for it. I feel confident that the limited communication you and I have right now is healthier for both of us. I hope you can understand where I am coming from and somehow find peace in knowing that I am happy.

[Turkish]

Over 2 years is a long time. What prompted the letter?

[Kwamina]

Hi lauren2013

I still remember your last thread in which you talked about why you went NC. Your mother unfortunately showed some of her worst behavior at major life events for you.

Whether you had sent the letter or not, it can really help getting our thoughts and feelings out on paper.

What were your expectations when sending this letter? Do you believe you will be able to get through to her or that she will understand what you are trying to say?

Did you just send it for you because you wanted to get this out of your system or are you perhaps also hoping for a response from her? Do you perhaps hope her behavior will change or that she will apologize for the things she's done?

I also remember from your previous posts that your dad and brother were giving you a hard time. How is that situation now and has this had any influence on your decision to send this letter to your mother?

[lauren2013]

The reason I sent the letter is because I needed to feel in control again. Ever since I decided to go NC, I've had this feeling that I am hiding out. I have blocked her on my phone and in email and I don't respond to her efforts to reach out to me. I used to send packages and letters back to her, but now I just accept them silently so as not to stir the pot.

But what's happened lately is that she's started sending packages more often and she's sent a few letters that prove just how twisted she has the story. She sends letters saying things like ":)on't shut out your brother because of me. He loves you so much" and will send a picture of us as kids or she'll tell other people that my husband is the one deciding to keep us isolated. It's like she's creating all of these different storylines around what's going on and I am just sitting here letting her believe things that are untrue. First of all, my brother is the one that has shut ME out. I have tried to stay in contact with my dad and my older brother, but they have not allowed that to happen. So be it. My husband is also NOT the one making this decision - it is me. Perhaps it is too hurtful for her to imagine me deciding not to talk to her which is why she makes up other stories, but it makes me feel like I don't even have power (as usual) in this one very important decision.

For xmas she sent my daughter a GIANT car that she can actually get in and drive. We live in a NYC apartment. There is NO room for such a thing here and not only that, she knows that I want her to stop sending stuff. It's almost like she is treating me like a child still. I am saying "Please leave me alone. These are my boundaries and this is what I want" and she is saying "Aw, isn't that cute. Your boundaries. Well here is a giant car because I don't really care what you need. I am going to do whatever I want and send something extravagant to prove what an incredible mother/grandmother I am."

I finally just had to tell her how I feel. I haven't actually done that in this entire two years... .

[Kwamina]

Thanks for elaborating on your post. I understand where you are coming from. Although you are NC with your mom, her behavior and stories were still bothering you. She is still sending you packages and letters so in a sense it might feel like you are not completely NC because by sending these things she keeps inserting herself into your life.

You sending this letter was a way for you to assert yourself and set the record straight with her. I also understand you being stressed out after sending this. To help you deal with your stress it might help to take a look at things such as mindfulness and meditation.

I am sorry you don't have any contact with your dad and brother. It is what it is. You do have us though