Messy housemate with possible BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi. (I saw no friend/housemate sub-forum so I figured this seemed the best place). I believe my housemate has BPD:

-EVERY time there is any small issue his immediate reaction is to react aggresively/angrily and blow it out of proportion rather than speaking to me normally (e.g. once I turned the fridge up a notch or 2 and accidentally froze some stuff and he completely overreacted as though to make me feel bad for this honest error).

-Whenever there is an issue and I confront him with it (e.g. he goes away for a week and leaves all his dishes or he doesn't bother tidying up his stuff for 4 days) his reaction is to intimidate me by raising his voice and then to manipulate me into thinking I'm the one in the wrong by pointing out things, often grasping at straws, that I'm supposedly doing wrong, making up excuses for himself, accepting no responsibility for what he's done.

-Suffers dark depressions, sometimes says he hears a voice telling him to kill himself when he wakes up.

-Extremely charismatic, able to adjust his personality expertly to get on with ANYONE and EVERYONE. It's quite impressive.

-Smokes weed and plays video games/watches TV all day everyday except when he is in work which is about 15 hours a week.

-Is pretty crappy to women, often cheating on his girlfriends or dating a few at a time.

I'm pretty sure this all adds up to BPD. Anyway, to be honest, he's not that bad a guy. I've known someone with BPD before and she was a nasty, cruel, selfish, manipulative person. My housemate, however, is pretty easy going on the whole and easy to get on with. I like living with him **BUT** my problem with him is that, when there is an issue, I really don't know how to bring it to him in a manner to not get sucked into the typical escalating argument where he makes up a load of rubbish and I have to somehow refocus the conversation (well, instantly by criticising him it's risen to an argument really) on the actual issue. This can be quite stressful for me and challenging as he can come up with rubbish arguments quicker than I can discredit them and refocus on the issue.

The problem at the moment is that his laziness and messiness has got way out of hand and it needs to be sorted out. For the last year I've avoided confrontations because I largely view them as a waste of time (due to aforementioned reasons). But it's got to the point where something needs to be done. Any advice on how to communicate with him about tidying up, without him turning it into a game he has to win, would be greatly appreciated. I honestly feel it will end in him blaming me, blaming his girlfriend, making out he doesn't have time, pointing at one time he did tidy up and how great his for that, conveniently forgetting that I tidy up after myself all the time, making out that it is somehow my responsibility to help tidy up his mess etc etc.

Thanks in advance.

[bleech]

Hi. (I saw no friend/housemate sub-forum so I figured this seemed the best place). I believe my housemate has BPD:

-EVERY time there is any small issue his immediate reaction is to react aggresively/angrily and blow it out of proportion rather than speaking to me normally (e.g. once I turned the fridge up a notch or 2 and accidentally froze some stuff and he completely overreacted as though to make me feel bad for this honest error).

-Whenever there is an issue and I confront him with it (e.g. he goes away for a week and leaves all his dishes or he doesn't bother tidying up his stuff for 4 days) his reaction is to intimidate me by raising his voice and then to manipulate me into thinking I'm the one in the wrong by pointing out things, often grasping at straws, that I'm supposedly doing wrong, making up excuses for himself, accepting no responsibility for what he's done.

-Suffers dark depressions, sometimes says he hears a voice telling him to kill himself when he wakes up.

-Extremely charismatic, able to adjust his personality expertly to get on with ANYONE and EVERYONE. It's quite impressive.

-Smokes weed and plays video games/watches TV all day everyday except when he is in work which is about 15 hours a week.

-Is pretty crappy to women, often cheating on his girlfriends or dating a few at a time.

I'm pretty sure this all adds up to BPD. Anyway, to be honest, he's not that bad a guy. I've known someone with BPD before and she was a nasty, cruel, selfish, manipulative person. My housemate, however, is pretty easy going on the whole and easy to get on with. I like living with him **BUT** my problem with him is that, when there is an issue, I really don't know how to bring it to him in a manner to not get sucked into the typical escalating argument where he makes up a load of rubbish and I have to somehow refocus the conversation (well, instantly by criticising him it's risen to an argument really) on the actual issue. This can be quite stressful for me and challenging as he can come up with rubbish arguments quicker than I can discredit them and refocus on the issue.

The problem at the moment is that his laziness and messiness has got way out of hand and it needs to be sorted out. For the last year I've avoided confrontations because I largely view them as a waste of time (due to aforementioned reasons). But it's got to the point where something needs to be done. Any advice on how to communicate with him about tidying up, without him turning it into a game he has to win, would be greatly appreciated. I honestly feel it will end in him blaming me, blaming his girlfriend, making out he doesn't have time, pointing at one time he did tidy up and how great his for that, conveniently forgetting that I tidy up after myself all the time, making out that it is somehow my responsibility to help tidy up his mess etc etc.

Thanks in advance.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi bleech,

At the very least, your housemate's behavior sounds like it's really disruptive. I can see why you'd want to avoid confronting him, but at the same time, if the dirt/mess are bothering you and it's in a common area of the house, you should bring this up.

There are some good tools here to help you communicate with him and many members to help you work with him. I have to ask, though, if your lifestyles are a mismatch, is this the right living arrangement for you?

[Anaias]

Get a new house mate.  Seriously.  It may not be BPD but it is a personality issue, sounds also like possible narcissistic or antisocial personality traits.

[bleech]

Thanks guys. Perhaps you're right. I'll just bring the issue to him like he's a normal person. If, as expected, he just turns it into a point scoring game then I'll just tell him that if he's not going to improve in regards to his cleanliness I'll look into sorting out different living arrangements.

To be honest, I'm fine living with him. The cleanliness is the only issue but it's becoming a big one. And it does annoy me to know that he almost certainly thinks I should help him tidy up his mess (he's implied it before) when I've been at work all day and he's done nothing but sit on the couch making more mess. Frustrating... .oh well, at least I have a feasible plan of action now.

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks guys. Perhaps you're right. I'll just bring the issue to him like he's a normal person. If, as expected, he just turns it into a point scoring game then I'll just tell him that if he's not going to improve in regards to his cleanliness I'll look into sorting out different living arrangements.

It seems that you do indeed have a plan!  You have a choice here. How do you plan to bring it up to him? If you do end up staying there, I'd encourage you to check out the tools here (and heck, even if you don't, they're good to know anyway).