My beautiful gal

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi

I have been in a relationship with my girl for 2 years now (both of us female me in my mid forties, she's in her early thirties). I actually ended the relationship back in March but she wont accept it. I can not even begin to tell you what it has been like for most of the 2 year), I wouldn't know where to start but it has been amazing and totally devastating. She has BPD, bipolar, and now diagnosed with PTSD (and in fact may not have bipolar, maybe misdiagnosis with the PTSD). I don't need to tell you what she has been like as from reading the posts it seems that all people with BPD have the same traits. She is extremely verbally abusive and has been a little physical (pushing me around) but this weekend she actually punched me several times (arms and the back of my head (and accidently on the jaw when her fist missed my arm) because we got into an argument (because I told her to stop shouting at the dogs because it was late) and I said I was going to go home as I could see she was mad. I went to leave and she came down the stairs to me and started grabbing my face and punching my arms so obviously I retaliated and tried to get her off me and to let me leave. We are both covered in bruises. I have never been in a fight with anyone and its scary. At one point she had me in a head lock so I moved my head to the side and made contact with her nose (like I had head butted her) to try to get her off me which made her even more mad and she started punching the back of my head.

She is controlling and abusive but she loves me so bad and doesn't mean the things she says and does. I don't live with her, she lives 52 miles away which is a good thing but she will turn up at my door is I try the NC and then because I love her so much its like we've never been apart and then she leaves and the fights start again (she has terrible separation anxiety too). When she attacked me on Sunday she wouldn't let me leave the house, she took away the keys and was saying 'I will let you go when I decide you can go' even though I was begging her to let me leave. She then went into the kichen and got a kitchen knife and took it upstairs (I think she was looking to self harm as she does this too) I stayed downstairs in a hysterical mess. She came down to me a few times and cried a bit, at one point she stabbed herself in the arm with the knife but I managed to get it off her. She kept asking me to go upstairs and lie down, I refused but eventually relented and did go upstairs, it was late by then and I was exhausted. Anyway she had run a bath so I had a bath and then went to bed. I didn't sleep and had to get up at 6am to drive home to go to work.

On Monday I think I was in shock all day and I hadn't had any sleep. she was asking me what I wanted for Christmas and she kept going on and on so I said what I wanted so she went out that day and bought it, we talked a bit but I had to go to my second job in the evening so when I got home I said good night and went to bed. I woke up this morning wondering what the hell I am doing, how can I let this continue, we have broken up so many times and got back together but now with the physical violence I am sure I don't want to be with her anymore. She can be so lovely and loving and buys me bits all the time, runs me baths etc but only when I am physically with her, when we are apart is when the problems start.

This was the last chance I was giving her, I told her a week ago that I would give her once last shot but if she started with the abuse then I would walk.

I feel so bad with it being right on Christmas and she has 2 kids to deal with (who don't like me because of the fights and arguments) but when is a good time to go NC? I am so sick of being treated so bad. But I love her (WHY?) so much. When we get on we are so good together but then the control and anger creeps back (after a few days) and its back to square one. She says its all my fault because I don't spend enough time with her, I don't put her first and I'm always with my family but I don't feel that I want to spend time with her when shes so horrible to me. Shes broken things of mine, shes insulted me and my family (not to my family) she calls me the most awful names which makes me sound petty but when you hear them day after day its so tiring.

So I told her how I feel today and she has said that shes going to kill herself tonight. She threatens it all the time. When I don't do as she askes she says it. when things get tough she says it but I'm scared she will do it one day and I would feel so bad but what can I do? I've done SO much for her but nothing is EVER enough.

Is this normal? How can I make her stop? I have been to the police on two occasions (I haven't pressed charges, they took her for an assessment the first time and spoke with her on the phone the second time) but it still hasn't stopped her. I keep going back because she says all the right things and because they are the things I long to hear and then she's vile again and I leave again. Its not healthy and not good for her head space, I feel so cruel but underneath all the crap shes a good person and I see that occasionally but then she goes back to her old ways. Shes very jealous when I do things with other people and will ruin my night if im going out with my friends with her nasty mouth. I know she cant help it but I really want it to stop. I cant go to the police and have her actually charged with assault because of her mental health and her kids and her million animals. She is frightened of the police and I really don't want to add to her anxieties. Its such a mess and im so sad but I cant be with her anymore, she is killing all of my love for her.

She doesn't work at the minute as she really cant but she has worked in the past and has had some good jobs so financially its all on me and I cant afford her, she gets quite a lot of benefits when added together but when they run out I am left lending her money which I rarely get back. I already have two jobs to support myself.

She does take medication and se takes it well but she also smokes weed which I'm not sure is a good idea but it definitely calms her when she has a smoke and she needs to be calmed! She NEVER drinks (thank god)

She is starting therapy in the new year, two lots which may or may not help her but it is too late for me. I am so done but why do I keep going back? why cant I go NC? (other than she will turn up at my house). I want my life back and I want to be loved.

I don't know what I want you all to say. Its just good to know I'm not alone. Do any of you have therapy to cope with all this? I feel like I'm losing my mind... .

Thanks for listening and sorry to have rambled on and on and on xxx

[Fnaks]

Hi

I have been in a relationship with my girl for 2 years now (both of us female me in my mid forties, she's in her early thirties). I actually ended the relationship back in March but she wont accept it. I can not even begin to tell you what it has been like for most of the 2 year), I wouldn't know where to start but it has been amazing and totally devastating. She has BPD, bipolar, and now diagnosed with PTSD (and in fact may not have bipolar, maybe misdiagnosis with the PTSD). I don't need to tell you what she has been like as from reading the posts it seems that all people with BPD have the same traits. She is extremely verbally abusive and has been a little physical (pushing me around) but this weekend she actually punched me several times (arms and the back of my head (and accidently on the jaw when her fist missed my arm) because we got into an argument (because I told her to stop shouting at the dogs because it was late) and I said I was going to go home as I could see she was mad. I went to leave and she came down the stairs to me and started grabbing my face and punching my arms so obviously I retaliated and tried to get her off me and to let me leave. We are both covered in bruises. I have never been in a fight with anyone and its scary. At one point she had me in a head lock so I moved my head to the side and made contact with her nose (like I had head butted her) to try to get her off me which made her even more mad and she started punching the back of my head.

She is controlling and abusive but she loves me so bad and doesn't mean the things she says and does. I don't live with her, she lives 52 miles away which is a good thing but she will turn up at my door is I try the NC and then because I love her so much its like we've never been apart and then she leaves and the fights start again (she has terrible separation anxiety too). When she attacked me on Sunday she wouldn't let me leave the house, she took away the keys and was saying 'I will let you go when I decide you can go' even though I was begging her to let me leave. She then went into the kichen and got a kitchen knife and took it upstairs (I think she was looking to self harm as she does this too) I stayed downstairs in a hysterical mess. She came down to me a few times and cried a bit, at one point she stabbed herself in the arm with the knife but I managed to get it off her. She kept asking me to go upstairs and lie down, I refused but eventually relented and did go upstairs, it was late by then and I was exhausted. Anyway she had run a bath so I had a bath and then went to bed. I didn't sleep and had to get up at 6am to drive home to go to work.

On Monday I think I was in shock all day and I hadn't had any sleep. she was asking me what I wanted for Christmas and she kept going on and on so I said what I wanted so she went out that day and bought it, we talked a bit but I had to go to my second job in the evening so when I got home I said good night and went to bed. I woke up this morning wondering what the hell I am doing, how can I let this continue, we have broken up so many times and got back together but now with the physical violence I am sure I don't want to be with her anymore. She can be so lovely and loving and buys me bits all the time, runs me baths etc but only when I am physically with her, when we are apart is when the problems start.

This was the last chance I was giving her, I told her a week ago that I would give her once last shot but if she started with the abuse then I would walk.

I feel so bad with it being right on Christmas and she has 2 kids to deal with (who don't like me because of the fights and arguments) but when is a good time to go NC? I am so sick of being treated so bad. But I love her (WHY?) so much. When we get on we are so good together but then the control and anger creeps back (after a few days) and its back to square one. She says its all my fault because I don't spend enough time with her, I don't put her first and I'm always with my family but I don't feel that I want to spend time with her when shes so horrible to me. Shes broken things of mine, shes insulted me and my family (not to my family) she calls me the most awful names which makes me sound petty but when you hear them day after day its so tiring.

So I told her how I feel today and she has said that shes going to kill herself tonight. She threatens it all the time. When I don't do as she askes she says it. when things get tough she says it but I'm scared she will do it one day and I would feel so bad but what can I do? I've done SO much for her but nothing is EVER enough.

Is this normal? How can I make her stop? I have been to the police on two occasions (I haven't pressed charges, they took her for an assessment the first time and spoke with her on the phone the second time) but it still hasn't stopped her. I keep going back because she says all the right things and because they are the things I long to hear and then she's vile again and I leave again. Its not healthy and not good for her head space, I feel so cruel but underneath all the crap shes a good person and I see that occasionally but then she goes back to her old ways. Shes very jealous when I do things with other people and will ruin my night if im going out with my friends with her nasty mouth. I know she cant help it but I really want it to stop. I cant go to the police and have her actually charged with assault because of her mental health and her kids and her million animals. She is frightened of the police and I really don't want to add to her anxieties. Its such a mess and im so sad but I cant be with her anymore, she is killing all of my love for her.

She doesn't work at the minute as she really cant but she has worked in the past and has had some good jobs so financially its all on me and I cant afford her, she gets quite a lot of benefits when added together but when they run out I am left lending her money which I rarely get back. I already have two jobs to support myself.

She does take medication and se takes it well but she also smokes weed which I'm not sure is a good idea but it definitely calms her when she has a smoke and she needs to be calmed! She NEVER drinks (thank god)

She is starting therapy in the new year, two lots which may or may not help her but it is too late for me. I am so done but why do I keep going back? why cant I go NC? (other than she will turn up at my house). I want my life back and I want to be loved.

I don't know what I want you all to say. Its just good to know I'm not alone. Do any of you have therapy to cope with all this? I feel like I'm losing my mind... .

Thanks for listening and sorry to have rambled on and on and on xxx

[Justacowgirl]

Oh Fnaks, I'm in tears feeling your pain.  Your story sounds similar to mine in so many ways.  What I've learned over the past few months is: 1) the physical abuse escalates the longer it goes on. I failed to set strong personal boundaries with my ExBPD and became a "victim", which he took advantage of.  I've learned from this board that my personal safety is THE most important, and every time I even think of contacting him, I remember that.  2) I don't deserve to be called vile names or made to feel shame, guilt, humiliation, or sadness because of his inability to regulate his emotions.  Nor do I deserve to feel guilty over spending time with friends and family just because he is home alone.  3) Distance and time are two factors that really help put things in perspective.  We've had LC (one phone call and a couple emails) in the last month.  I fall apart when I hear his voice, but reading his emails helps me see his irrational thought process and validates my decision to leave.  4) the chaos I lived with for 3 years was exhausting and not normal.  It was hard to see that while living it, but now I feel like I was the crazy one for putting up with it. 5) Suicide and self-harm threats are emotional blackmail.  My ExBPD actually held a gun to his head twice and told me to pull the trigger for him.  Of course I refused, but who does that?  He got my sympathy and nothing changed afterwards. 

I love him dearly and miss our relationship WHEN IT WAS GOOD.  It's really easy to fantasize about the good times and forget the bad.  I keep a journal now and reread it often to remind myself about what happened to us.  I've also just found a therapist who understands BPD and who I hope will give me the strategies I need to move past the guilt I still feel about deserting him.  I read the advice given on this site every night which is incredibly helpful. I also surround myself with "normal people" whenever possible to remind me what life is supposed to be like, because I had actually forgotten.

Stay strong and do what's best for you.  Yes, it sucks that it's a week before Christmas, but as someone told me, she survived for a long time before you, and she will survive after as well.

[Fnaks]

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciation you taking the time. I'm so glad I'm not alone in all this. She has threatened all sorts in the last few days one being suicide on Boxing Day on a most horrific way. She had sleep paralysis last week and now is convinced there is an entity in her house watching her. I just can't help her. I've asked her to see the doctor but she won't. Do I go to her this weekend and put myself in danger? Or so I stay as far away as possible. I don't want to be in the relationship anymore, not because I don't love her but I can't stand the emotional turmoil I'm constantly in. I know she is too but I can't do anything for her

[Michelle27]

My heart breaks for you.  This situation sounds absolutely intolerable.  I hear that you are worried about her attempting/committing suicide and your fears of being to blame for that.  As hard as it is, you need to tell yourself over and over again that what she does is NEVER your fault.  It's the disorder, not you.  You need to take care of you and that needs to be your priority.  It sounds like things escalated to a very serious point this weekend, and you have some major healing to do.  I imagine that you're still in shock.  I would be too.  Take the time to take care of yourself so you can heal.  Whatever that takes.  If you decide NC is the way to go, you may want to think about a restraining order if you think she'll just show up at your place. 

I know it's hard, but healing and taking it easy on yourself are the utmost priority right now.  Go easy on yourself.

[willtimeheal]

RUN!  Get a good therapist for yourself and start caring for yourself. So much of your story sounded like mine. I stayed for six years... .don't waste anymore of your soul or life. RUN.

You can't help her. Her problems have nothing to do with you. It will never get better.