Family Xmas Drama - 2015: Engage or Ignore?

[EmpathyBoy]

Hi all !

It has been awhile since I have been on here, but the holidays seems to bring out the conflict in all HCP as in High Conflict Personalities or people with PD's.  My father is NPD, my sister is BPD and my mother is BPD with frontal lobe brain damage - and that is my primary family

Long story short is there has been some on again and off again contact/no-contact terms over the last 6-years from both myself and my BPD sister + NPD father (since they live together) with the last one selected by my BPD sister for no particular reason when she banned me from the family Xmas after I moved out.  I was home for a short 3-months after dumping a home I could not sell and looking for a new job.

She has been in school almost continuously for 27 years straight without a single degree to show for it with originally my mother and then my father (after my mother lost her money) paying for her schooling, living without ever having to get a job like everyone else.

Earlier this year she claimed to be extending an olive branch by asking me to go to her graduation... .after 26+ years working on a single bachelors degree (still not officially done.  It ended up more being about having her family show up to show off.  I should also mention she when NC with my mother as well because my mother did not agree with her that I should live in the streets when looking for a new job. 

I went with her to a brunch for Father's Day hoping she would perhaps act normal in public, but not matter the topic, Trump in politics, cell phones, work, school, weather... .she twisted everything into a fight and I would try to avoid and change the subject.  After that she refused to let me join her for her BDay in Sept and my father refused to give her the card and gift I bought, so I eventually mailed them later.

She has badmouthed me for years behind my backs to the extended relatives and I have no idea what she says, but she lies better than most people tell the truth.  I have been isolated from my extended family and I do not think I should have to put up with it anymore.  All of a sudden, my father claims he will not have brunch with me until I work things out with my BPD sister... .who has nebulous complaints and refuses to meet with me... .let alone with a true psychologist professional who could help her.

My mother thinks this is all about money and changing the will and she could be right.  I can easily see my BPD sister and NPD father conspiring to imply I am bad somehow to justify such baloney.  I do not care about the money and have almost paid back my father in full.  I do not think I should be either isolated from or denigrated to my extended family and cut out of the Xmas holidays.

I do not want to get in any battle or war, but I feel not responding at all to the provocative email I was sent or not trying to see my relatives this holiday would validate whatever lies they are telling.  My mother is too afraid to stand up for me and no one else seems to be doing that.  I will not send a rant or anything and will try and use the BIFF method (see book by Bill Eddy).

I am not sure what I should do.  I am terrified of being harassed by my father and sister, both of whom do not respect boundaries, so they might call my work or who knows what, but I am sick and tired of being isolated from the rest of my family and denigrated behind my back.


Thank you!

[Kwamina]

Welcome back EmpathyBoy

It's been awhile indeed! You are still dealing with some difficult family-members, I am glad you decided to reach out here again for support and advice.

When dealing with hostile text communications, not responding or using an assertive BIFF response seems a wise strategy.

You are concerned about the fact that your father and sister don't respect boundaries. Their behavior is unpleasant indeed. Unfortunately you can't make them change if they don't want to, but what you can change is how you respond to them. You already mentioned the B.I.F.F. technique which is very useful when dealing with hostile text communications.

Another technique that can help you assert yourself (and set and enforce/defend boundaries), is the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique. You are a long time member so you might already be familiar with this technique, even then I think it can still help to review the material:

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our family-member or partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Here is a link to a workshop about D.E.A.R.M.A.N.:

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

How is your relationship with your mother? Based on your post it sounds like you have a better relationship with her than with your sister and father, is that correct?

[EmpathyBoy]

Thank you Kwamina for responding! 

For 5-years straight now my BPD sister and NPD father have made Xmas into some weird drama... .of no seeming value I can tell, but I do not have a PD or HCP (high conflict personality) and I am just a survivor of such a family.  I figured there are enough people who have gone on the contact/no-contact and holiday drama to have some experience or insight in working around the PD person within the family who is busy smearing and telling stories no doubt.

When dealing with hostile text communications, not responding or using an assertive BIFF response seems a wise strategy.

You are concerned about the fact that your father and sister don't respect boundaries. Their behavior is unpleasant indeed. Unfortunately you can't make them change if they don't want to, but what you can change is how you respond to them. You already mentioned the B.I.F.F. technique which is very useful when dealing with hostile text communications.

I actually have not finished reading the book yet (BIFF, 2nd Ed by Bill Eddy), but I am stuck on the ":)o you need to Respond?" part.  I feel that as the book implies that any PD/HCP will take or at least imply and use your non-response when portraying the situation to others as agreement or acceptance of their accusations or "blamespeak".  NPD or BPD's are notorious for this in their smear campaigns and the phone calls and emails to my extended relatives may already be in motion.  I did not get much sleep last night, but I feel the email deserves a clear BIFF response to act as defense for my reputation - even  if it does no good with my father and sister.  I am not sure my father heard a single word I said over the phone yesterday when responding to the email that I read while on the phone.

Another technique that can help you assert yourself (and set and enforce/defend boundaries), is the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique. You are a long time member so you might already be familiar with this technique, even then I think it can still help to review the material:

I will take a look at that technique.  I am not sure I have heard of it before, but it seems to use approaches I have read about previously (Eggshells books, etc.).  I was caught off guard last day on the phone asked to read and respond to an email I had not read and did not expect to be sent, since my father claimed he would call at about 12-noon (actually time was 12:57pm.  I did not rant, swear or anything like that, but merely listed the relevant related facts, the vagueness of the email, the impossibility of reconciliation with someone who could not control their behavior in public at a meal and that while honest, perhaps reflecting some of the blame/guilt back on him that my sister's relationship with me or lack thereof was no excuse for his not having a relationship with his only son. 

Again the timing seems suspect as my mother indicated that my sister noticed my father "slowing down" at 77-years old and it has been clear my sister wants 100% of that honeypot of money my father has been saving up for years, but some type of excuse to not look greedy... .again.

I spoke with a close friend the other day to get her perspective in confidence, because I am too close to this and my mother has her own beef's and skewed perspective just from her previous marriage, divorce, alienation from same said family years ago, etc.  I know that I can never get any real love, caring or empathy from either my BPD sister or NPD father as they are too wrapped up in their own stuff and are essentially incapable of that.  I am not sure it is even worth having any relationship with my sister or father because the boundary reinforcement and drama generation over baloney is too frequent and exhausting.  My father could die any day or year now, so I guess I figure I should try anyways.  Plus they have created this firewall between me and my relatives that I feel needs to be dealt with somehow, which no doubt includes a decades long smear campaign that is hard to address or undo if my relatives never see me.

How is your relationship with your mother? Based on your post it sounds like you have a better relationship with her than with your sister and father, is that correct?

Much better with my mother.  She also has had BPD, but with additional frontal lobe brain damage that has healed over the last 20-years, but still has her days.  She seems to be able to show some empathy, but she is also broke and on government assistance and has little interest of fighting with my Dad's family again or my sister.

I am not saying my extended relatives are saints or anything.  Actually, back in 2012 when my sister decided to ban me from Xmas, I told a few of them the situation and the ridiculous nature of it and then some of them skipped the event.  Eventually my one aunt sent a FB message to my sister (even thought I told her not to get involved  implying how mean and silly she was being and all hell broke lose when my sister yelled her down over the phone.  By the time I got involved to get my aunt to delete the message (not public) to calm down my sister - she has pissed off and alienated half the family.

So now there are 3 extended relatives locally who both my sister is NC with or snubbing - for supporting me that are also afraid of dealing with her and 4 extended relatives (6 if you include their SO's) a few hours away that have essentially only heard my sister and father's smear stories and have not really reached out to me, but my one cousin seems friendly enough and does not seem to believe all the baloney.

I think I have decided to write a short BIFF response to diffuse the ammunition out of the email written by my father or ghost written by my sister and contact my distant extended relatives to ask to visit a different day or time than my father and sister.  No need to cause them additional drama, but no reason to reinforce my sister/father's lie that I do not care about anyone else, but myself - merely because I wanted to avoid further Xmas conflict that my sister/father seem to thrive on creating or generating.

Thoughts?

[EmpathyBoy]

Update.

Apparently my mother got a call from my BPD sister, just a few hours after my awkward half-conversation with my father and the new rules/new banning from brunch.

No details except clearly my sister never mentioned me or the family Xmas once and was testing the waters to see if there was any blowback, negative feedback or fallout for her and my father's behavior with my mother.

No surprise that my mother instead sees it as a "fishing trip" to see if she knows anything and that by not engaging in any discussion she did the right think.  Instead of perhaps telling my sister similarly that she does not want to condone her or my father's behavior and to use their words "normalize" the relationship by pretending otherwise.

This is the drill my entire life... .no one in the family calls my sister out on her awful behavior or clear social interaction issues and just pretends that it is smiles and sunshine no matter what crap she pulls.

Maybe I do need a new family