Today would be our 4 year anniversary AND 5 months NC

[hopealways]

I feel numb today. Sad that I am starting to not feel much after 5 months NC. Sad that we would have been together 4 years today.  Feeling used, discarded, like I was just tossed aside by someone who never had the ability to love.

Today is about continuing to let go. I am going to be kind to myself today. Do nice things for myself. Go to the gym, my favorite coffee place, ride my bike.  At some point my mind tells me it is pointless to keep dwelling in the memories of my past with her.  Life is as much about being in the moment as it is moving on.  My goal is to just move on.

[Mutt]

Hi hopealways,

I can see how today would be a difficult day when it's an anniversary. You have a goal set that you want to move on but your mind is also processing grief. Don't be hard on yourself. It's good to hear that you are doing self care with doing things that you like. It's the first anniversary since your loss and I don't think that you'll find many members that will say that they didn't feel a deep sense of loss before the first year of going through the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Hang in there.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi Hopealways,

My thoughts are with you, hang strong! I hope you're well.

I'm 4 months NC in a 5 year relationship, without the breakups' I guess I could condense it down to 3 years. No matter, I still awaken to thoughts of her... .

Did you ever feel this way; If I let the memories of her fade will she be doing the same to me? It's like I'm trying to keep a flicker of light on in my heart for a return... .

Should

[homefree]

I have felt that way. Like I was trying to find any reason to not let go. That I shouldn't let go. There must be a way to fix this where I don't end up without her. If I let go and walk away, maybe I'm walking away when I didn't have to. It's a pull that shows up for me, and it's like a wall I can't get past. I don't want to leave! I feel like any contact with her will feed this feeling and make it far more powerful than I can deal with. Over time during NC, I've felt this monster emotion start to dwindle without any fresh energy from being around her or seeing a picture or hearing her voice. Over time, without fresh exposure to her, I believe it will fade to where it doesn't have power over my decisions any more. I just need that time.

[hopealways]

Thanks so much for your words, yes I guess we all are feeling the same: keeping that hope alive but at the same time having feelings that naturally dwindle. I am proud that I am sticking with NC because I see how it works and is truly the only way to let go.  I have glimpses of sanity and calm here and there and it feels foreign to me to not feel pain and darkness.  I think we force ourselves in a way to remain dark because any other feeling will mean we have let go and that brings a finality to something we don't want to let go of.

But I am happy that my post is about letting go, shows I am almost there.

Hang in there!

[samynet]

Hi Hopealways,

I share your pain! My relationship last less than an year and yesterday after almost a month of NC we meet in a different context  at our company Christmas dinner (we are co-workers), we didn't talk to each other, but my desire was to just run towards her and kiss her like the first time.

Today I awake up dreaming about her, now I'm at work and here she is... .Why is so hard? I was the one o force the break up and even if I was sure that I needed to do that in order to keep my sanity now I'm always thinking why can it be possible, two people who "loves" each other and they cannot be together. 

How can it be so difficult? I can't avoid to raise my eyes and stare at her... .

[hopealways]

Hi Hopealways,

I share your pain! My relationship last less than an year and yesterday after almost a month of NC we meet in a different context  at our company Christmas dinner (we are co-workers), we didn't talk to each other, but my desire was to just run towards her and kiss her like the first time.

Today I awake up dreaming about her, now I'm at work and here she is... .Why is so hard? I was the one o force the break up and even if I was sure that I needed to do that in order to keep my sanity now I'm always thinking why can it be possible, two people who "loves" each other and they cannot be together. 

How can it be so difficult? I can't avoid to raise my eyes and stare at her... .

I feel you.  In BOLD: the problem is that due to their BPD they cannot love the way non BPDs do.  You must remember they have a very serious disorder and their paradoxical behavior has us nons constantly trying to come up with answers for why.  This drove us insane. Take it easy on yourself. Hang in there.