NC vs. LC

[kc sunshine]

It is getting very painful to be in contact with her-- the devaluing digs + the probability that she is with somebody else is getting too excruciating. I do want the relationship back if possible but I worry that limited contact is bad for me. In particular, I worry that it makes me a continued target of punishment. I'm weighing NC now. Is there a best way to do it, from a saving a relationship that is in breakup point of view?

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[MapleBob]

Honestly, I don't believe in NC as a tactic for anything but moving on. The best way to do that is to just do it, and not even tell the other person.

[kc sunshine]

Therein lies the problem-- I want to self-protect but I don't want to wreck the chances of us ever reconnecting. Is there a way to do NC that does both?

[MapleBob]

Therein lies the problem-- I want to self-protect but I don't want to wreck the chances of us ever reconnecting. Is there a way to do NC that does both?

I guess you just do it in the least destructive way possible. Just stop contacting her, and stop replying to any contacts she makes. Just set it down and don't pick it up.

[livednlearned]

Is there a best way to do it, from a saving a relationship that is in breakup point of view?

One of the things that can happen post-break up is an excruciating version of boundary busting.

Boundary busting often takes place in the relationship (unless we learn to assert boundaries) and it can take place after. NC is a way to exhale and assert a boundary to protect yourself -- just like you're wanting to do.

Do you think you can write one brief email to explain gently that you need to take care of yourself right now, and won't be in contact. That you wish her well and are grateful for your time together, etc.

Brief, gentle, informative, and firm.

If you do this, it's important to realize that she will test those boundaries, not because she is malicious or trying to hurt you but because she suffers from impulsivity, and has learned from past experiences with you that boundaries aren't necessarily strong -- she won't know what it means to go no or low contact and she'll try a few things to figure out what's going on. It's essential that you not use the email to bait her... .it will just make it worse down the line.

So it will be in your ball park to exit gracefully and really follow through. This won't guarantee that she will come back to you, but it does increase your chances. It's up to you how you want to announce (or not announce) NC and how much strength you have. Announcing it in an email is classy   and it also draws attention to what you're doing (changing the program). She may increase the pressure to engage if she thinks you're trying to do things different, and you have to be strong enough to stick to your convictions that this is best for you right now.

You'll feel like you're withdrawing from a drug, so it's a good idea to think about habits you can change, weaknesses that may come up, and ways to self-soothe and take care of yourself when you know you'll feel lonely or drawn to engage.

Do you think you can do that?

[MapleBob]

So it will be in your ball park to exit gracefully and really follow through. This won't guarantee that she will come back to you, but it does increase your chances.

I'm far from an expert here (you've read my threads!   ), so take this with a grain of salt: I agree with livednlearned on everything except this point. I don't know if NC necessarily increases your chances of her coming back. It might be more accurate to say that, in your particular situation (her being with someone else), LC is decreasing your chances. Thus, NC might increase your chances by default.

[kc sunshine]

Oh this is interesting, but I'm confused. I wasn't thinking about it so much in terms of increasing or decreasing my chances, but rather as self-protection, that hopefully wouldn't ruin my chances.

Is what you both are saying is that NC will increase my chances? Or is livedandlearned saying NC will decrease my chances, and maplebob is saying LC will decrease my chances. Can you each explain why? (knowing of course, that know one can know what is going on in her head and in her life right now!)

[kc sunshine]

Here's the NC email I'm thinking about sending:

Hi,

I need to go a bit cold tofurkey on our communication to clear my head/heart a bit more. Could you do me a favor and hold off on texting or calling me for a little while? I wish you so well and am so grateful for our time together. 

(tofurkey= because we are both vegetarians!)

[thisworld]

Hi kc sunshine,

Given your recent history together (and regardless of her hurtful actions), how would you feel if you received this all of a sudden? She might be feeling that but ten times stronger. I have a feeling that using her name, saying something more ordinary than an addiction related term (implies her power over you) and stating what you will do instead of telling her what to do might be a bit more constructive for all purposes here. 

[livednlearned]

So it will be in your ball park to exit gracefully and really follow through. This won't guarantee that she will come back to you, but it does increase your chances.

I'm far from an expert here (you've read my threads!   ), so take this with a grain of salt: I agree with livednlearned on everything except this point. I don't know if NC necessarily increases your chances of her coming back. It might be more accurate to say that, in your particular situation (her being with someone else), LC is decreasing your chances. Thus, NC might increase your chances by default.

I'm not suggesting NC is necessarily the way to go or not, or LC, only to say that whatever you do, saying it or just doing it without malice, and doing it in a way that feels in line with your values, is more likely to increase chances of a better outcome.

Ideally, no matter what, you come out of this with your self-esteem intact and feel like the next relationship (whether it's with her or someone else) is healthier.

Skip and others are much better at helping people navigate the NC path in romantic relationships. From my perspective, NC is a hail mary that can give you essential breathing room to rebuild or restore your emotional strength. That means you aim for emotional health and nothing less before starting the next relationship, as opposed to going NC until she tests the boundary to see if you're still interested... .

NC as a strategy to get her to come back to you seems unlikely to solve anything long-term and could lead to even more emotional injury.

[thisagain]

I'm sorry I can't tell from your recent posts: When you say you don't want to wreck the chances of reconnecting, do you mean that you'd be willing to reconnect tomorrow if she asked? Or do you mean more that someday maybe if she ever got herself together, stopped running around with this other person, stopped devaluing you, etc, that then you'd want to be together? Or are you in some in-between place?

If you want to reconnect ASAP, then I agree that NC would not be helpful. Even if you told her you just wanted a break for a week or a month, that would probably send her flying into the arms of this other person. And at the end of the week she'll be behaving just as painfully - probably worse. Stay with LC and spend the time learning and practicing the tools (Staying tools) that you'll need if she ever does offer to get back together.

If it's more that you don't want to totally burn bridges in the event that someday maybe she's doing better and wants to reconcile, then I think you could go NC and just try to communicate the decision in a gentle but clear and firm way. Just tell her that you won't be answering her calls or texts anymore, and don't do anything to suggest a limited time frame - by saying "for a little while," you're inviting her to try again in a few days? a week? a month? etc. Don't ask her not to call or text, just stop answering.

I think that leaves open the possibility that if one day she genuinely sees the light, she might reach out to you to reconnect. But assuming she keeps running around with new folks and generally wreaking havoc, being NC protects you from the havoc.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you all for the thoughtful advice. She's stopped contacting me after last week so maybe I don't even have to do anything, just do the work of not trying to contact her (very hard work in itself-- impulse control work).

Also, it might help that now the holidays are over so there is no "special day" that I feel like I should call/contact. It was three weeks in a row of those days-- first her birthday, then Xmas, then new years. Now we are back to regular life.

[kc sunshine]

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You'll feel like you're withdrawing from a drug, so it's a good idea to think about habits you can change, weaknesses that may come up, and ways to self-soothe and take care of yourself when you know you'll feel lonely or drawn to engage.

Do you think you can do that?

This feels like very good work to do. Why does it feel so much like withdrawing from a drug I wonder? There are definite times when it is worst: mornings when I wake up and then afternoons. I guess it is good that it is not all the time.

[livednlearned]

This is the article I was trying to find -- Skip does a nice job describing "No Contact" The Right and Wrong Way

This is also a really good discussion about why it hurts to let go so much.

Having good boundaries is a core skill in healthy relationships. They're hard work and can feel strange and require a lot of concentration, like riding a bike for the first time. If you haven't had a lot of experience with boundaries in intimacy before, whether it's because of family of origin stuff or a history of dysfunctional adult relationships, it's going to take a lot of effort. It's also worth it because it will become part of you going forward, and it increases your chance that you can be an emotional leader in whatever relationship comes next.

[kc sunshine]

This is the article I was trying to find -- Skip does a nice job describing "No Contact" The Right and Wrong Way

Hi-- this link doesn't work for me-- could you post it again by any chance? Thanks so much for all your insight-- totally appreciated.

[livednlearned]

Oops! Try this: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm