grief cycle

[helpheals]

To who ever is out there listening,

I have no idea how to start, its been an incredibly intense 2 weeks because I feel like I finally have come to terms with my mothers BPD. I had always shrugged it off and fed into the drama. She is a single mom with a terrible history of being widowed and such and raised me in Mexico . Its been hard, I have no family here so I was always very dependant on our relationship. I don't know how to look forward and I am dealing with so much grief, wondering if I will ever have a life. I am collapsing emotionally and feel helpless. I guess thats what the "death " of a family member does to us. Is there life after this'? I need to know that one day I can be loved , and feel connected to others. Safe , and grateful to be alive. I no longer want to deal with her past , suffering and mental anguish. Its just not fair.  I am in so much pain. 

Thank you

mx

[cleotokos]

Hi grief cycle, when I came to terms with the reality of my mom's uBPD, I mourned the mother I never had like it was a death. I think I had always hoped that she would become the mother that I needed, but I realized that was never going to happen, and that I did deserve to have a "normal" mother as a child and life had cheated me out of this. That was very, very hard to take. I can tell you that it's been about 3 or 4 years and I am much, much stronger than I was then. It was a traumatic time for me but it is a necessary process to go through. I think you will come out stronger in the end, I know I did. 

[Andrea_]

Hi and welcome! I'm sorry this welcome comes under such emotionally difficult circumstances for you.

I'm sorry for the grief you are experiencing at the realization of your mother's BPD. It makes a lot of sense that since you became very dependent on your relationship with your mom, you would feel an overwhelming sense of loss and bewilderment upon realizing something as significant as you have now.

As painful as this is, I do want to say that from an outsider's perspective you have made a lot of very intelligent statements here, even during this time of emotional turmoil. You seem to acknowledge the very acceptable justification for not needing to own your mother's troubles. You can only own your own, and that's hard enough! But good for you for practicing self care. YES you can be loved, YES you can feel connected to others, and YES you can be grateful to be alive! It sounds like your heart want to truly feel these things, so I know that you will. You are at an incredibly painful part of your journey right now, but the fact that you came here in the first place shows that you most definitely have hope for a better future. It's not easy, it's not quick, but by seeking help and awareness you have already done better for yourself than if you didn't.

Welcome. Stay strong.