Re: Whats so wrong with your ex not detaching?

[NCEA]

So these people are trying to contact you.

At least it means that they care about you. Even if it's in their own twisted way, they still care.

Would you really rather have them ignore you, post discard, as if you never existed?

I don't think so.

[Mutt]

I was split black for three years. A way to look at it is that she cared about me. A pwBPD split people they care about most. She can't handle emotional intimacy.

[thisworld]

Sometimes, their not detaching does not mean writing e-mails or something. They start smear campaigns, contact our workplaces, try and threaten to punish us in the hands of law. I'm sure there are many people on this site who don't want anymore of this twisted care and would give their left arms to be completely ignored. Everyone's story differs.

If my ex was not extreme in his ways, I still would not feel very positive because he cared. That wouldn't make me feel anything specially positive. I'd be indifferent, and OK with indifference, that would make me more comfortable.

I'd be feeling positive if I didn't hold any bitterness.

I have empathy for him, I cry for him sometimes, he is in big turmoil. My near-rapist. I don't feel anything about his "caring" though.  

[fromheeltoheal]

So these people are trying to contact you.

At least it means that they care about you. Even if it's in their own twisted way, they still care.

Would you really rather have them ignore you, post discard, as if you never existed?

I don't think so.

Does a borderline really care NCEA, or is a borderline feeling abandoned by an attachment, or abandoned in general, the worst thing that can happen to someone with the disorder, and is flailing against an emotion they can't soothe and turning on all the attachment skills they have to reattach, to use an attachment as a soother?  Everyone's different and you know her, and it can be helpful to discover the motivation behind the behavior.

And then, moving forward, as we create the life of our dreams, part of which includes populating it with empowering people and removing the disempowering ones, it's helpful to realize the relationship ended for a reason, or several; either we had had enough and left, or we got dumped, in either case, is our borderline ex someone we would want in the life of our dreams, someone we want to make room for in it?  And I mentioned dreams, not fantasies, so although we may want the idealized version of our exes in our lives, the ones who showed up in the idealization phase, that proved to be unsustainable and the whole relationship was based on fantasy in many cases, so as we create that life of our dreams, it's also helpful to look at our part in the creation of a fantasy, learn and grow from it, and stay grounded in dreams and goals moving forward.  It's a brand new world!

[zeus123]

BPD CARE? i don't thing that BPD care about you or me or the relationships in general. BPD has no empathy or remorse this is caused by the lack of bonds with the mother in the first year of life. during the relationship your needs didn't matter for a BPD partner and they won't matter after the relationship ended. you were just a piece of meat for them, an accessory that is required. after the relationship ends,a BPD will contact you for reasons other than 'CARE'! like MANIPULATIONS, TRIANGULATION, FAVORS, NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY, MONEY, ETC... CARE is by-product of morality, and anything that is moral does not exist in a BPD vocabulary.

[Joem678]

Ummm I've been accused of rape and stalking and many other things.  In time, it gets worse.  They do care but keeping that in mind is what got me in trouble. Now, four kids later, they are having to deal with it too.  So, it is twisted and it gets harmful.  This time around we foreclosed on the home, banks account were closed and much more.  All because I was patient and I knew she loved me.  I really don't want her to reach out right now.