My granddaughter has BPD

[Gram]

My beautiful 20-year-old granddaughter has BPD.  She also has a 4-month-old baby boy who is so precious.  Now she wants to break up with her boyfriend and keeps calling the police on him, saying he's abusive.  Maybe he is.  But I also know that when she lived with me, and at other times as well, she can push and push and push until you want to run and hide from her.  So it's hard to believe that it's all his fault.  He's a wonderful boy and a very good father.  I don't think my granddaughter can make it on her own, from working to paying all the bills to raising a child on her own.  So far, she has been a very good mother and the baby is still breastfeeding.  But, it scares me so much to think that she might harm the baby if she's stressed to her limits.  She has a counselor, but the counselor seems to be too much on her side and not trying to teach her how to behave and cope with everyday stresses, without turning to her medical marijuana.  I don't seem to be making very much sense, but just know that I am scared and I know there is nothing I can do.  I can't talk to her because it always turns into a fight.  I've tried telling her therapist how she acts, but the therapist acts like I'm not patient enough, and seems to think the same thing about my daughter.  I don't know what made my granddaughter this way, but is there anything that will help her lead a successful life?  Nancy

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Vivienne V.]

I have so much sympathy for what you are going through! The love you have for your granddaughter comes through your post loud and clear. She is so lucky to have you in her life! And, OH, the baby! I can just imagine how much you worry about him! 

I have some suggestions. Please understand that I am just a mom of two children with BPD, and not a medical practitioner in way, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt:

Simply accept that, as you said, there is "nothing you can do" for your granddaughter short of being there to provide her with love and emotional support in ways that are not enabling to her dysfunction. Instead, turn the focus to laying the groundwork with her so that she sees you as the perfect respite place for her baby. I think it's awesome that you feel that she has been a good mother so far. Make sure you tell her that every chance you get! Are you able to babysit him very often? Does she live with you? If she knows that you think she is a good mom, maybe she'll allow you to be a big part of his life so that you can keep a good eye on him.

Practice saying things to her like: "Wow, that must be so frustrating to you!" instead of trying to talk to her about her issues because, as you noted, it will "always turn into a fight" and then she will cut you out of her baby's life to punish you for daring to "judge" her.  I would stop talking to her therapist completely, as your granddaughter is an adult and this is her journey to take. Instead, write down and practice supportive, non-judgmental statements that you can say to her that allow you to empathize with her feelings without having to imply that you agree with her bad choices. Because of her illness she probably encounters a lot of negative feedback, judgment, and consequences on a daily basis. So maybe you can just be the parenting cheerleader for your granddaughter; maybe instead of trying to talk to her about her issues, you only talk with her about her darling baby and you constantly reiterate to your granddaughter what a good mom you think she is.

Anyway, I'm not saying that my advice is right. These are only suggestions based on some of the successes I've had with my own daughters. I've also done plenty of things that didn't work, so I'm not an expert in any way. I just tried to put myself in your granddaughter's shoes and think about how difficult her life must be (even if most of her difficulties are self-inflicted). My own daughter once described her own BPD as a constant tornado going on in her brain. Just imagine how awful that must be! My daughter also suffers from crippling self-doubt, so I wonder if your granddaughter is also struggling with feelings of doubt about her ability to be a good mom to her son. If so, having you on her team will be of tremendous help, both to her and to her baby!

Good luck. Please write back soon and update us on how things are going. You will be in my thoughts... .