New member: BPD sister splintering family

[Ditmas]

Longtime reader, first-time poster... .I have an adult sister with BPD who has been using her son (now 8) to tear our family apart. My parents, too afraid to lose access to their grandson, won't say anything to her about her behavior - and thus I have ended up being the person who's essentially cast out of the family, as BPD sis has decided I'm "bad" and cut me off. It's terribly hard to explain this to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but this forum offers a lot of similar stories so I'm hoping to find some support here while trying not to let the frustration and anger ruin my own holiday.

[Kwamina]

Hi Ditmas

This is a difficult situation you are in. Dealing with a BPD sibling can be quite challenging, I am sorry your sister is also involving your nephew in this.

Has your sister been officially diagnosed with BPD? Since when has she been exhibiting difficult/problematic behavior?

A family-member with BPD can really affect the entire family. It's very unfortunate that you now feel cast out of your own family. Do you still have contact with your parents?

I am glad you are reaching out for support here because many members here indeed have similar experiences as you've described.

Welcome to bpdfamily

[Eyeamme]

Hi Ditmas,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I have a uBPD adult daughter. My grandsons (2 and 5) have been used in this same way. I finally had to walk away in hopes of protecting the kids from being subjected to this game. Everyone in the family have been cut out except for my daughters grandparents. Do your parents acknowledge that your sister has BPD? If so perhaps you could suggest reading for them. I as a mother took all the responsibility that my daughter threw at me. Coming here and also taking the Family Connections class really educated me on what was going on and coping techniques.

[Ditmas]

Thanks for your responses. My sister is undiagnosed (in this forum, is this referred to as "uBPD"?) but over the past several years it's become increasingly clear that's what the situation is. (Walking on Eggshells and a couple of other books have been helpful resources for coping.) All her adult life she's had a pattern of throwing people out of her life for some perceived injustice; she would also regularly rant to me about how terrible our parents our and how abysmal our childhood was (it wasn't and they aren't). Over the years I have tried to maintain a limited but close-enough relationship with her to keep the family together, hoping my parents would never find out the awful things she says about them behind their backs. Then, I made the colossal mistake of introducing her to a college friend of mine... .whom she eventually married, had a son with, cheated on, informed him that they would be staying together even though she was cheating with this woman, and eventually was divorced by him, to her great fury. Years went by and I managed to maintain a close relationship with my nephew (we all live in the same city); and then, a couple of years ago, she informed me that if I continued to have any contact whatsoever with her ex that she'd cut me off. I told her that I chose to maintain contact with everyone in the best interest of being present for my nephew (neglecting to add that her behavior toward her ex has been vaguely terrifying to hear about, including her being investigated by social services for trying to give her son, then 6, adult-grade anti-anxiety meds of hers in front of a dentist). I don't have a particularly close relationship with the ex/my friend anymore, thanks to her, but neither do I have a reason to cut him off - especially since he's reliably been kinder, saner and more of a friend to me, since college (20+ years ago) than she ever was. So she has embarked on a campaign of trying to rally my parents around her - and, since they are terrified of losing their grandchild, it's worked. They are all spending Christmas together, along with a favorite aunt of mine, while I spend the holiday with my BF on the other side of the country. This is, of course, a relief in some ways. But it really kills me not to be able to see my nephew for any holidays - let alone endure her icy silences and glares when I come to his soccer and baseball games. It's also just humiliating - I feel like I am being cast out when all I've tried to do is be a good aunt and a reliable, sane adult presence for this poor kid who's growing up watching his mother say awful things about his father (despite this being illegal in their divorce agreement). My parents, despite my repeated requests for them to weigh in on this or encourage her to go to a therapist with me (or all of us) in order to make the situation more workable, have refused to do ANYTHING. Which is now making me resentful and angry toward them - another fringe benefit of BPD, as we have always had a pretty great relationship. I know I should probably distance myself for my own sanity, but I really love that kid, and he loves me. We currently have a pretty limited relationship, through his father. I don't know that there's anything to be done, but I do know that I go through several days of feeling absolutely awful after I've seen her (as I did last night, when she showed up at a kids' movie-night party I was supposed to be attending with my nephew). Just... .despair.

[GreenGlit]

Hi Ditmas,

I know exactly how you feel because basically exactly what you described has happened to me. The only difference is that my mother (who is uBPD) has chosen sides with my uBPD sister and when sis cast me out, mom supported her. This was a little over a year ago.

I can completely understand your anger and frustration concerning a situation that is SO unfair, unjust, and cruel to you. I'm sorry you are going through it. It seems unreal that family members don't seem to see what they are doing, and how hurtful their actions are. I always thought I've been respectful and considerate of my parents, who are now older and aren't as strong and vibrant as they used to be. But my mother will bend over backwards for my sister who calls them daily with panic attacks because she is unable to deal with the stresses of her life and raising her own children. My mother has been known to drive up to her (she lives 6 hours away) to babysit her grandkids so my sister can go to a party. It makes me angry to see my sister abuse my parent's generosity, but I'm completely helpless.

The one thing I struggled the most was the yearning for my family back. But I realized that I wasn't yearning for MY family - I was hoping that my chaotic and dysfunctional family could be different. It is very hard to accept that you may never have the relationship you wish with your family, and I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this around the holidays.

Who are you spending Christmas with? When I suddenly became the black sheep, I started reaching out to extended family and close friends for support, and I was surprised at how quickly people came to my aid. A few months after the blowout I spent Christmas with my family and frankly, it was the worst Christmas of my life. Christmas day I spent mostly crying in my room, inconsolable from the cruel and hurtful things my mother had to say to me, and my sister completely ignoring my existence.

Are you planning on spending the holidays at home? How do you expect that will go? Do you have alternative options? After last Christmas I decided I never wanted to do that again, so this year I'm with my in-laws. My parents aren't happy (well, they wouldn't be happy if I came to them either, so it's basically a lose/lose), but at least I know I can have a peaceful and happy Christmas around people who treat me with respect. Do you have other family you can see?

[Ditmas]

I'm spending Christmas with my boyfriend and our pets. We saw all of his family, and my parents, at Thanksgiving so we could take a break and spend Xmas with each other and chosen family (i.e. close friends). So far our vacation together has been lovely. Still, the minute I start getting calls/emails from my mother updating me about what's going on there, I start to feel terrible again. I even asked her via email to please just not mention my sister to me; that I want to talk about (and to) my nephew on the phone but that in order for me to feel OK about spending Xmas on my own, I'd rather skip the topic of my sister, who's there with her girlfriend and our favorite aunt. Of course my mom still mentioned her, not because she's malicious but because I really don't think she gets how upsetting this is for me. Not sure how to convey that to her short of going NC with THEM, which I don't really want to do. No one will talk to a family therapist with me. No one will even really acknowledge what's going on, because they are so afraid of my sister turning into a vindictive monster (which we all know can happen at a moment's notice). So... .not sure what to do, other than mostly ignore the situation and enjoy the fact that I have a stable relationship and a close group of friends.

[Eyeamme]

Hi Ditmas,

I felt like I needed to respond. I am the mother of a uBPD 34yo daughter. I have a 30 yo son. I have been guilty of trying to keep the peace at any cost. My son suffered from this. I feel really bad that I couldn't protect him more. He finally cut his sister off on his own. When my daughter dysregulated and went for me on my last visit to her I tried to make up and keep the peace. She became so verbally abusive that I went NC. This meant that I also lost contact with my small grandsons. Although it breaks my heart I really thought it was for the best. I don't want those kids used as pawns.

I guess what I am saying is you need to do whatever it takes to take care of YOU. If your mother can not abide by your boundaries then maybe you need to tell her what that will mean. Low or no contact perhaps? I know that for me when I heard consistently from my son "I don't want to hear about X" I have to go" I caught on. Have a wonderful holiday.

[Ditmas]

Thanks, Eyeamme. I appreciate your feedback. I know the situation is hard on my parents too, and I try to be sympathetic to that. One of the most nefarious things about BPD is the toll is takes on the non-BPD family members, as is discussed at length on this forum. Every time I get angry at my parents I try to remember that taking it out on them, or letting my feelings further splinter our family, is sort of like letting the terrorists win. But at the same time, you need to take care of your own mental health too. It's a tough balancing act. What I don't get is why nobody will take me up on my offer to see a therapist. You'd think if my sister was an convinced as she says she is of my incredible wrongdoing, she'd want to have her feelings validated by an outside party.

[Eyeamme]

Are you in therapy yourself? It really helps. You can't make the others go but you can go. It is invaluable to me.

[Ditmas]

I have been in the past but am not now - partly bc as a freelancer, I am no longer on a company insurance policy that subsidizes it, and it would be painfully expensive, but also bc I eventually got really frustrated with the amount of time and money I was spending in therapy talking about my sister. She became the topic of nearly all our discussions, as if in lieu of being in my life as an actual person she could still take up all this emotional space in my therapy sessions. I eventually decided to focus on more personal, holistic methods like meditation and yoga - not to mention getting away from her physically (I now live in a different state, with frequent returns to the city she lives in, both for work and to see my nephew via her ex). I have considered going back to therapy, but every time I start thinking about the amount of money it would cost to try and fix what she's broken in me, I get angry all over again. Which I suppose is a good topic for therapy, ironically.

[Eyeamme]

I totally get it. I really do.

[Ditmas]

Update: Got engaged to my boyfriend on Xmas eve. Called to share news with my mother on Xmas day. She crept out of the room to talk to me so my BPD sister wouldn't hear her doing it; promised to call later to let me wish my nephew and father a merry Xmas (after the call my dad texted me a brief congrats). FOUR DAYS LATER I have yet to hear from either of my parents. Basically feel my sister has entirely hijacked the family, and now wish I hadn't said anything about the engagement at all. Therapy suggestion, in an above comment, will definitely be taken now. I honestly cannot believe how one sibling with a never-ending chip on her shoulder could derail what I had, until the past few years, believed was a relatively tight-knit relationship with my folks.

Rant concluded.

[Kwamina]

Congratulations on getting engaged Ditmas  

I think it's only natural that you wanted to share this happy news with your family. The unfortunate reality is though that as a result of your sister's BPD, your entire family seems to be struggling. Having said that, your parents are still responsible for their own behavior and choices, regardless of whether your sister has BPD or not.

To help you deal with all of this, it can greatly help to have a support network in place. I am glad you are utilizing bpdfamily for support and are also considering other avenues for support.

Take care and thanks for this update

[Eyeamme]

Ditmas! Yay! Congrats. How exciting. Remember what I said below. You work on you.