HOW to leave?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,

I hope I am posting in the right place; there doesn't see to be an area for those who have decided to leave but haven't yet.

It has taken me years to get to this point (many years to realize that my husband of 10 years probably has a personality disorder, and then the last 3 years of trying to gauge his ability to change... .and then for me to just gain the strength to leave). Well, I'm at that point; I'm done.

I have a place to move to. Though I initially didnt want to leave the marital home (it's a house we built together and that I put more than half the $$ into to build), I realize now that it's probably the quickest and best option for my physical and mental health and safety.

I've been delaying leaving for the last few months--first, I was just so emotionally worn down that I could not deal with it emotionally. I took some time off from work and spent some time away from home and it really helped me get my head together. It was very restorative.

I have told my husband straight out (verbally and in writing) that I am not happy, cannot stay in this relationship without XYZ, how I feel, what I need in general and from him in order to make this work, etc. etc. ad nauseum. As you may have guess already, he does not "hear" me. He is on good behavior now, though, so something, on some level, must have gotten through. He is doing household chores, doing little things for me, even laughing hard at little jokes I make, as if he suddenly finds me totally witty and charming. I wish I could enjoy this, but after a decade of his bizarre behavior I know better--I am just waiting for the next outburst. And last month, after thanksgiving, there was a huge, bizarre outburst... .and now he's back to doing what he always does: pretend like nothing ever happened and we are Couple of the Year.

So... .knowing that I can't un-do anything I do, I've been kind of paralyzed from taking action and moving out bc I'm so afraid of doing it wrong and aggravating the situation. Yes, I know that they cannot be pleased and I should not try to change my actions around them, but still, I can only move out once and I have to do it right.

Several women from another support group advised me to just pack up and leave without warning, and leave either a note or tell him in person in the presence of someone else. It's a dilemma. Leaving a note feels easiest to me but also kind of the coward's way out. Telling him face to face, I fear, would make him feel "ganged up on" or "conspired against" in the sense  that someone else knew that I was leaving, and was a party to this "desertion."

A little background: we have no kids. I have a prenup. Married almost 10 years (will be ten years in May). I have a job and I'm financially independent of him. Pretty much all of my stuff is packed in plastic bins and the rest could be packed by myself and movers within a couple of hours, probably. I just have a desk and bookcase in my office I'd want to take. Since they're in my office (I only use them) I don't see an issue with that. However, I'd like to take the kitchen table and chairs and the living room furniture--I bought all of it outright (not from shared funds) and he's never liked/does not use the sofa/loveseat anyway. However, since I did buy it all with the intention of it being for the house, maybe legally it could not be a good idea for me to take them?

And though it may seem petty to be thinking about the furniture, believe me, it has taken me a heck of a long time to get to this point--a point where I could emotionally be strong enough to walk away from a home I literally helped build for years. And I bought outright or paid half for tons of still I intend to walk away from--lawnmower, truck, plow, major power tools, etc. etc.

Sorry for rambling. I care for him somehow still, yet I know he has destroyed this relationship beyond hope and I need to move on; I will never get what I need from him and I did not sign on to this marriage to be a lifetime caretaker for someone who treats me, at best, like a roommate and, at worst, like a piece of crap.

Just... .HOW do I leave? If anyone has advice, I'm all ears. And by the way, I have asked two lawyers this question and I got the impression that both were wary of giving any advice on this topic beyond, "if you want the house, don't be the one to leave."

My leaving will be the end of the marriage but the beginning of divorce proceedings. And I don't want that to be any more difficult than it probably already will be.

Thoughts? Thank you for reading. I know this was long.

[booklover25]

Hello,

I hope I am posting in the right place; there doesn't see to be an area for those who have decided to leave but haven't yet.

It has taken me years to get to this point (many years to realize that my husband of 10 years probably has a personality disorder, and then the last 3 years of trying to gauge his ability to change... .and then for me to just gain the strength to leave). Well, I'm at that point; I'm done.

I have a place to move to. Though I initially didnt want to leave the marital home (it's a house we built together and that I put more than half the $$ into to build), I realize now that it's probably the quickest and best option for my physical and mental health and safety.

I've been delaying leaving for the last few months--first, I was just so emotionally worn down that I could not deal with it emotionally. I took some time off from work and spent some time away from home and it really helped me get my head together. It was very restorative.

I have told my husband straight out (verbally and in writing) that I am not happy, cannot stay in this relationship without XYZ, how I feel, what I need in general and from him in order to make this work, etc. etc. ad nauseum. As you may have guess already, he does not "hear" me. He is on good behavior now, though, so something, on some level, must have gotten through. He is doing household chores, doing little things for me, even laughing hard at little jokes I make, as if he suddenly finds me totally witty and charming. I wish I could enjoy this, but after a decade of his bizarre behavior I know better--I am just waiting for the next outburst. And last month, after thanksgiving, there was a huge, bizarre outburst... .and now he's back to doing what he always does: pretend like nothing ever happened and we are Couple of the Year.

So... .knowing that I can't un-do anything I do, I've been kind of paralyzed from taking action and moving out bc I'm so afraid of doing it wrong and aggravating the situation. Yes, I know that they cannot be pleased and I should not try to change my actions around them, but still, I can only move out once and I have to do it right.

Several women from another support group advised me to just pack up and leave without warning, and leave either a note or tell him in person in the presence of someone else. It's a dilemma. Leaving a note feels easiest to me but also kind of the coward's way out. Telling him face to face, I fear, would make him feel "ganged up on" or "conspired against" in the sense  that someone else knew that I was leaving, and was a party to this "desertion."

A little background: we have no kids. I have a prenup. Married almost 10 years (will be ten years in May). I have a job and I'm financially independent of him. Pretty much all of my stuff is packed in plastic bins and the rest could be packed by myself and movers within a couple of hours, probably. I just have a desk and bookcase in my office I'd want to take. Since they're in my office (I only use them) I don't see an issue with that. However, I'd like to take the kitchen table and chairs and the living room furniture--I bought all of it outright (not from shared funds) and he's never liked/does not use the sofa/loveseat anyway. However, since I did buy it all with the intention of it being for the house, maybe legally it could not be a good idea for me to take them?

And though it may seem petty to be thinking about the furniture, believe me, it has taken me a heck of a long time to get to this point--a point where I could emotionally be strong enough to walk away from a home I literally helped build for years. And I bought outright or paid half for tons of still I intend to walk away from--lawnmower, truck, plow, major power tools, etc. etc.

Sorry for rambling. I care for him somehow still, yet I know he has destroyed this relationship beyond hope and I need to move on; I will never get what I need from him and I did not sign on to this marriage to be a lifetime caretaker for someone who treats me, at best, like a roommate and, at worst, like a piece of crap.

Just... .HOW do I leave? If anyone has advice, I'm all ears. And by the way, I have asked two lawyers this question and I got the impression that both were wary of giving any advice on this topic beyond, "if you want the house, don't be the one to leave."

My leaving will be the end of the marriage but the beginning of divorce proceedings. And I don't want that to be any more difficult than it probably already will be.

Thoughts? Thank you for reading. I know this was long.

[Mutt]

Hi booklover25,



I'm sorry to hear that. You can share on the leaving board. We have members that are with their partners and want to exit the relationship. We can relate with how emotionally and mentally exhausting a relationship with someone that suffers from a personality disorder can be. You had ti take time off or work and stay away from home to recharge your batteries. I left my house once a year for several years for a couple of weeks to several weeks. I took advantage of this breaks.

I think that you got good advice from the support group. Are they familiar with personality disorders and follow up protection?  BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are caused by others and they don't believe that they have done anything wrong in the relationship. A pwBPD seldom detaches and will contact you after the relationship break-up. Here's an article on how to leave a borderline partner that will help.

I don't think that leaving a note is the cowards way out. Your relationship is having an impact on your health if you have to take time off of work? I think it's very important to shift the focus off of our STBX's and shift it over to us with self care. A lot of self care is good really. Self care is self compassion and self love.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

Don't apologize. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes. I'm not a legal expert. I would suggest following your lawyers advice if you want to keep the house. I don't think that it's petty to talk about taking the furniture. It took you awhile to obtain your furniture and it's difficult to start over.

My ex wife took 90 % of our things when she left. I didn't care because my emotional.and physical well being were more important to me than materialistic things. I am young enough to be able to recuperate, so I started over. I did minimal contact to put a buffer between my ex wife and I so it gave me time to detach and heal my emotional wounds. She doesn't understand the impact of her actions and behaviors because she doesn't think that she doesn't do anything wrong. She didn't understand why I was angry. I also implemented boundaries to.protect myself from her bad behaviors or the possibility of something like that to happen again. I want to protect myself and my assets and trust the right person.

I understand  if you want to take your furniture and if you're not worried about staying in your house. You have to live with your partner and it's difficult to understand for people with the things that you're going through unless you have experienced it. It also helps to talk to people that have made it to other side. My mental.health was more important for me. I had reached my breaking point. I have no regrets, life is peaceful and a lot less dramatic. I feel better and happier than before I had met her. Hang in there.

[booklover25]

Thanks very much for your response. After I posted I did see the "leaving" thread so I will post there going forward. Will re-read your post--very helpful!

Thanks again. Oh, how difficult this is... .